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..to one of my children. This is not easy tinsay, but no matter how hard I fight its simply not enough.
He is isolating child and now has exclusive access. Child is old enough to make their own choices and they choose to play happy families with a father who was violent and terrorised them for nothing.He has full access now due to thei r age and I am so sick of hearing that once again my information has been given to him. I will never shake him off and its only a matter of time. I have heard everywhere that this is how it goes.
I cannot be duplicitous, he has made our lives hell, I cannot pretend that happy families is actually a thing for this child. Goodbye child. I do my best, and it just isn’t good enough.
You want so much more than I can ever give you. I am now poverty stricken and can’t lavish mone on you and psychologically and emtionally broken.
I can no longer keep you safe. You are alone with him. Goodbye.
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Hey there. Sometimes we have to just let them go and discover for themselves. That’s what I had to do. We can only hope in years to come when they mature and have some life experiences, they will come to understand who the real monster was. Meantime, keep the lines of communication open under your terms. It’s the most horrendous time but it really is about putting your own oxygen mask on before you can help others. I’ve come to terms with our situation. I have peace in my life and know my son can’t spy on me or be a flying monkey for his dad anymore. You can only do your best. The rest is upto them. If they won’t meet us half way then we have no option. I also like to think I’m leading by example. Abusive behaviour has consequences x
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Thank you KIP. I’m done. I really am. I should have seen it coming. I have done all I can. Been ignored, told I’m wrong, had my experiences invalidated.
Police, courts, cafcass, the poor men, the poor fathers, give them the access they have a right to continue abusing, isolating them from their mother, the court was told all this all court orders broken…noone cares. The father must see his children no matter how abusive he is
When will this ever end. If I had been stronger I would have put a stop to it.
There is an unwritten rule that women must be nice, cannot rise up in anger, must be ever patient,so much more harshly judged than a man who vents his anger aggression and intimidation in court and totally gets off scott free!
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I really appreciate you replying KIP
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hello twisted.
I have been in this potential situation many times.
It is about staying alive.
You deserve better.
No one judges this here.
Just so sorry this has happened. It could have happened and does happen to any one of us.
Please know that whatever happens with your kids the sisterhood and us ladies are still with you.
all best
ftc
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Dear TS
I can’t imagine the turmoil you must be feeling. It’s hard to let someone you’ve nurtured and loved go, but sometimes you both need space and that makes it the right decision.
You can’t put up with the to and fro of your business being shared with your ex.
You did not screw up. Not your fault.You did not deliberately find yourself an abusive relationship just to screw up your relationship with your children. They may be “old enough” but they’ve got a lot of maturing to do before they are truly grown up, and may be your words and actions will be a strong positive memory for them.
Look after yourself xx -
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Hey, we are all here for you, feeling the same pain. Don’t feel defeated. It does feel like we’re never getting out of this horrible situation. But, I tell myself in time situations change. In my experience one door closes and another opens. These men fall on their a**ses eventually. To be honest I hope that eventually grooming children in this way should be recognised as abuse and be acted apon accordingly. It not our faults that it’s gone this way. When your a prisoner in your own home what can you do realistically to challenge anything? I hope you get some rest tonight xx stay strong xx big hugs and support sent to you x
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Thank you darling
Women’s aid told me I shouldn’t expect anything. That I should want to be married that I should feel privileged to have his name well f**k them
What a load of b******s if this is whatbwomensaid stand for now. Abusive men. I’m done here
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Oh goodness it’s heart breaking to read this Twisted Sister.
It’s so low how the abusers are using the children as chess pieces.
They don’t fight fair, straight up, they are cowards and go for the vulnerable.
If the b****y system backs this up, what else is there to do but deciding for yourself what’s best for you.You are so right not to play along with his illusion of a happy family, you are so strong to see through it.
The problem is that the system wishes too the illusion of a harmonious divorced family ‘for the good of the children’. So they’re actually arming the abusers with legal tools to continue abusing you and your children through access. And it’s working.
I wonder why isn’t the mother being put in the foreground instead of the children? Everyone knows that a happy mother = happy children. The system lacks the most primary common sense of all.I too refuse to play happy family with my ex. He wants the children and the system backs him up more than me so be it. I just don’t have the strength to fight them both. Him I could probably fight. But the system…no.
Life is long and I am standing my grounds until the end.
Like KIP said, leading by example.Keep your head held high, you are an excellent mother, the BEST that your children could ever ask for, they are just fogged by the abuser right now. One day the fog will dissipate.
Look after yourself, YOU come before anyone else, including your children.
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here is the blurb
‘MATCH is a charity that offers non-judgemental support and information to mothers apart from their children in a wide variety of circumstances. Our members include those who are sharing parenting and those who have little or no contact. We believe that children have a basic human right to continue to be part of a loving, nurturing family network for life, no matter how many times that family re-makes itself, no matter where their mothers live.’
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I have just noticed that on this website there is a telephone counsellor advertised who has written a book that may also be helpful for some of us the book is about Mothers apart here is the blurb. Her name is Sarah Hart.
Book – A Mother Apart
My self-help book, ‘A Mother Apart: How to let go of guilt and find happiness living apart from your child’, provides empathy, non judgemental help and practical strategies to women struggling with their feelings, as they adjust and come to terms with no longer being a full-time, hands on mothers.
A Mother Apart has been written to relieve the isolation of the many women separated from their child who say, ‘I thought I was the only one’.
Women live apart from their children – lose residency, have minimal contact, become estranged or choose part-time motherhood for a number of reasons. A Mother Apart moves beyond the stigma linked to mothers who leave their children and offers insight and sympathetic approaches to help manage complex situations and strong emotions, including how to:
understand and free yourself from excessive guilt and other difficult feelings
grieve your loss and move on with an open heart
learn the art of big hearted mothering: deep love from afar, over time
find positive ways to integrate your life as a mother apart and independent woman
fully appreciate how the capacity to love deeply from afar makes you one of the most extraordinary mothers in the world -
Thank you so much.
Very wise words Hopelifejoy, its good to not feel alone with this.It all feels so horribly messy and painful.
I can believe it’s come to this.Thank you for sharing all that ftc, my goodness that this is happening so much. I guess when you think about how abuse there is its obvious there will be so much of it.
We talked even about him having the agenda of dividing us, but evenso. Hes the only one not torn in two, everyone has to be one, not two, its devastating.
With thanks wonderful women
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i feel so sick to my stomach that our communication has broken, and feel i’ve done that by saying tough things about him using child as pawn to spy on me and my friends, for example, i’m always in the wrong, i really get that its so hard to accept for us all, and i really do struggle to have those convos because of the reaction of anger and shut down.
oh gawd, its so s**t, and it just doesn’t seem to end. I feel like I have judged more severely than i would another woman suffering the same, being sujbected to it but not being ready to deal with it and thats cruel of me, but its because of the link straight back to me, i am torn in two always with him in our lives, child is torn in two…hes not.
much hand-wringing and wailing :'(
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Hi there TS, how are you feeling today? I know it’s extremely difficult loosing our childrens mind and/or body to the DV abuser…it feels like torture to a loving kind parent…
You don’t deserve any of this – that is happening or has happened. No one of sound mind would choose to be in a DV relationship. Some of us had bad examples of what love is as girls and some of us fell in love with men who seemed perfect to begin with only to change….
Follow the advise given to look after yourself first, you have been through enough all ready…you can teach and inform your children as best you can but they don’t always listen…sometimes they have to learn the truth the hard way and as a parent that’s hard to see, we just want to protect them…if your child leaves and goes to live with the DV father – keep communication open, on your terms….time will reveal the truth to your child, at the present time they are in denial….you know the truth already….warmest wishes Xx
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Dear Shipoffools
What a helpful post ..especially:
keep communication open, on your terms….time will reveal the truth to your child, at the present time they are in denial
I am feeling so stressed. The nightmares are horrendous as it was only this week that I have spoken to (sorry might be triggering) rape crisis, who outlined crimes committed to me and I reported to police.
Not knowing what the end of the week would bring of course.
Shaky and scared for tonight’s events now.
It’s time think,that now I have to give to me and I can now concentrate on my healing and have relationship on my terms. They don’t know about the police report and Samaritans think they should. Would you tell your children he did this, should I do you think. I’m not doing anything right now obvs, but in time?
Thank you. Ts
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Hi TS you gave me some real insight recently and kind words. Can’t sleep just yet without sharing, we are good parents we care we go that extra bit. But we broke the line and left what for our children was a family. A crazy broken head mashing family for us, but for them the only one they’d known. We took the blame at least I did to protect them. My son came over for the first time in months for his birthday he just wanted the money sad but true. I’ve heard nothing since and he had ignored all contact. How do the abusers get away with it? I think perhaps because they are unequivocal ,they are right and we are wrong make your choice it’s my way or no way. My children were forced to go with him he made them. Let go for now TS, it’s too painful to hold on. You have done all you can. If you blame yourself you are letting the abuser get to you on another level. Hold your head high. I cried my eyes out earlier thinking of my son and when I read your post I think I felt your pain and disbelief. I know my ex will never leave me alone he’s obsessed with being right no matter the cost. Thinking of you.
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Hello to all of you ladies, I’ve been doing so much thinking about all of the above. I too have given up on my elest and it just doesn’t sit right as I dream about her nearly every night. The hurt is unbearable when I wake up. You know the court system has let alot of mums down over the last decade especially. Is this because good fathers campaigned for their rights to see their children through the courts. Families need fathers tied themselves to the court railings dressed as a superhero I believe. They got what the wanted but that meant contact at all costs. Our children under this umbrella, that cost now lies with us and our kids. We’re paying the price. I saw on the news today that new laws are being discussed around mesogony that will be interesting. I’m not suggesting tying ourselves on railings but I am going to write to my MP. It’s a start I feel, that if we chip away to a degree eventually we can raise awawreness some how it is something. We all know the weakness of these me is exposure xx
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Men I mean xx
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Dear ftc
Thank you so so much for sharing that link.
The havesuch a great helpline. The woman that answas cmpletel understanding and so helpful tha tida I’ve been able to get support in place fory my child, and that helps a lot as child had been having panic attacks and not sleeping while nights which I attribute to her open access from him now. Went days unable to eat was feeling so sick. I can only hope that all is OK and support is given an taken up.
Many many ta’s. Ts
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Gosh ladies…mums…I’m so sorry to hear there are more mums like me who have ‘lost’ their children to the DV abuser (father)…
TS how are you doing today? Sorry I’ve not been on for a couple of days.
Newwings and DIYmum my heartfelt thoughts go out to you both too. I miss my children everyday. They left a few years ago now. They are young men now. They still live with their father. They are brainwashed. I do see them every (detail removed by moderator), overnight. And I texted them everyday and ring twice a wk.
To answer yr question TS. I protected/sheltered my lads fm a lot of the DV – the sexual and the violence if I refused. The jealous behaviour. The threatening behaviour. I’ve wondered about telling them about it…leaving out the graphic details, but I think at the moment they’re too brainwashed and it would backfire on me as they wouldn’t (want to) believe me. So I’ll wait. It eats me up at times this guilt shame and regret (of losing my children)…but I need to stop because me punishing myself Is not loving myself and I’ve been sad long enough. Learn a lesson fm me and don’t do the same xx
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Shipoffools my heart felt good wishes to you too. Your right we can’t blame ourselves and now when other mothers cast an eye of judgement over me (sometimes in the street)I simply say to myself that it’s not my fault this has happened. I hold my head up high these days because I know in my heart I could not have prevented this happening at the time. What she saw was forced on her by my ex. I did everything I could. I want to help her to understand too, prove myself to her. I want to strive to make that connection but like you I need to let myself heal first. Then move forward.xx all the best to you, I hope your ok ☺ xx
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Thank you Shipoffools for answering that question. I think I don’t know how to move forward any more but I don’t feel I can hide anything going forward, I have hidden so much, like you, who knows whether that made any difference, but I feel different now child away from me and space to process that I can’t face going back to that being torn in two but his continual access to us, via the informer child.
I have to heal and put myself first, it has to be different, I just don’t know how to move forward, but no more.
TS x
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Morning ladies, yes DIYmum I’m fine thank you. And it helps to know I’m not alone (sadly).
TS when my boys lived with me, my eldest bless him, would sing like a canary to his dad when he went to see him. I knew he was because my ex would send me texts after he’d returned them home to me, to tell me (to prove to me their loyalty to him, I guess?)…and sometimes I’d be angry with my boys for telling dad stuff…which only fed the situation further with their support for their dad – as dad was telling the boys they should be able to tell him anything! And obviously this made the boys feel very important and they loved that feeling, who wouldn’t? For years they’d longed for a closer connection with their dad….and now they had that…(even tho he was manipulating them).
I asked my boys not to keep telling dad stuff but it’s hard for children/teens not to. And my ex was good at slyly getting info out – as he used to do it to me… So as children they didn’t stand a chance really. Unfortunately I didnt realise it was abuse, I probably told my divorce solicitor and there might have been a letter sent to ex but it didn’t stop him. I remember consciously starting to not tell the boys things so they couldn’t accidentally tell dad when they saw him, but it’s hard living like that….xx
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Shipoffools, anytime honestly,I know what your going through and it such a comfort all round when we all understand. We’re all in this together ☺like the post above says I do believe if these relationships can be torn down they can also be built back up. When were strong and ready. I’m not going to give up hope. It’s an old saying but where the heart lies the feet will wander. Big hugs xx
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In haste… Thank you Lisa. I really appreciate your sympathies. I was also ‘found’ going into a freedom programme, and shoutly at loudly ‘TS! What are YOU doing here!?”
Thanks wasnt by my WA support,but was by someone who supposedly supported women in the community, who wà forever saying how much women make up,and then misrepresented the truth in court.
Everything I tried to do was blocked and blamed repeatedly.
So, thank you your validation is so helpful. ts
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NewWings and DIYmum, I have just been re-reading this thread as I am struggling a lot tonight, and I was so sad to hear especially what sad and difficult feelings it has brought up for you too.
That you think you felt my pain Newwina and that you son came to visit took his money and you’ve not seen him for months. Can they really have ost their sense of connection so easily?
This is hell. I don’t know how you ladies do it. I know there’s no choice really, but having a life with nothing left, and having been told I was wrong and not believed all that time.
It’s all too much it really is.🙁
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Yes it is too much.
It is mind blowing too much, all of it.
It’s like being out at sea, getting one big wave in your face after another. The only thing to do is to keep safe in the boat and never loose sight of the lighthouse.
I don’t have really comforting words, it just sucks big time. BUT it will be ok somehow, someday again. I just don’t when and how.
Keep walking forward. Wear your disaster as a crown, that’s the best advice I can give.
To be tired and fed up is alright too, some days it just is all very heavy on the shoulders. The next day will be better. Keep breathing. One day at a time.
Sending you a big hug 💕 -
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This to Lisa needed re-writing cos of stoopid phone!
Thanks wasnt by my WA support,but was by someone who supposedly supported women in the community, who was forever saying how much women make up, who then also misrepresented the truth in court.tried to stop a woman going to fp!!?
Everything I tried to do was blocked and blamed repeatedly.
There were two different women doing plus men, and ex didn’t get any consequences for clear non-compliance of court ordered contact and breaches of non-mol.
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Update: 11 distraught days later, child informer, possibly on track for us to stay in touch. For me, since this link(child) has been away, I have had two dreams, and I mean about nice things instead of horrific. Tells me a lot about how enormous the issues are being forced to keep any connection at all with ex through childre, and that children are forced to see their father is sick. Its a sick sick system that assumes contact with father is best, without consideration of hrm to mother or children.
Now there is hope for us, just wanted to share
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Just wanted to send u my support.my youngest is also with her father.througg her own choice.understand the hurt this causes. Also how guilt it leaves one feeling.but that guilt is not ours. We can only ever be here when they see the truth for themselves.my belief is one day they will see it.they will then understand the reasoning in our actions.take care of yourself in the meantime and remember you aren’t to blame for any of this.
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Dear Determinedtobefree
Thank you for your support, its so true, and I have received a long email from them saying exactly that! That it’s not my fault and its all him that tried to destroy our lives. I hope we can get back on track, albeit wih some new boundaries in place. Shipoffools words still ringing in my ears, “on your terms”!
Ts
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Hi TS, just wondered how you’re getting on? Read your above post…I’m so glad you’re still having contact with the child whose gone to live with their father.
I hope the atmosphere in your home is easier now and you feel calmer? I can’t take credit for the ‘on your terms’ statement btw, KIP mentioned it in her post first lol but it’s really good advice (KIPs advice is always good)…we can’t be door mats, not even for our children, they must learn to respect us and our wishes. We are survivors after all not victims!! They may have seen their fathers treat us without respect but that’s not how it should be or how it is now…
Take care warm wishes xx
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Thank you Shipoffools!
I am desperately trying to get things in place and do wonder how on earth to do these boundaries when at the end of the day it’s 5 the child that’s put under fearful pressure to dvulge and manipulated into it, like ‘I need to know/I am very worried/its only because I care/love you/miss you’ type c**p!
Feeling so much better about having communication, and knowing they are managing OK.
Thanks, ts
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