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i dont know how or why but everyones turning against me. i mean obviously i know that my husband is behind it,with his crocodile tears and sob story of how he never saw it coming, apparently we were very happy, and now ive ruined our marriage, destroyed the kids future, and made him look like a criminal because i got the police involved……
my dad whom knew the actions i was going to take has turned on me saying me leaving on the sly whilst hubby was on holiday was wrong and unthoughtful, and i shouldve called him over and told hubby that i want to leave you, and thats it. he doesnt get the vicious, verbal and mental abuse i would have recieved afterwards from husband and family. apparently it wouldnt have been all that bad because he couldnt physically abuse me. he doesnt get that me telling hubby i want to leave him probably wouldve drove him over the edge to get physical.
i tried to reach out to so many people, but they all feared him, and now ive left theyre all on his side feeling sorry for him and blaming me for everything. just because i left behind his back. now im regretting everything i had done. now i wish i had done what they all expected of me and told him to his face that i dont want to live with him anymore and just took the consequences.
my eldest met her dad on (detail removed by moderator) , and she poured her heart out to him, of everything he had ever done and said to us, but now im getting blamed for all that aswell, that ive taught her what to say, ive filled her head with lies and her heart with hatred.
i feel so defeated and alone, not what i thought id feel after i left him. i never thought he would be so manipulative, all he did was verbally abuse the kids when they met him (detail removed by moderator) , after crying to everyone about how much he was missing them. and thats all he did when i stupidly answered his call (detail removed by moderator). there was no remorse or guilt of how he had treated us, there was just anger, abuse, denial, and accusations. i dont get why hes crying to everyone when he doesnt even want to “act” like hes sorry in any way when hes had contact with us.
i wish i could turn back the time, and just not do any of this. now its too late and im getting hated by everyone. i just want to disappear now, but ive got nowhere else to go.
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I just wanted to say. I think I get this one. After having been round, and round, and round such feelings both in therapy and endless conversations over a number of years, trying to at least understand why what I thought of as my closest family have reacted in the way they did, i.e. blamed me and having become alienated from them as a result.
First I would like to say, you didn’t make a mistake. You had no way of knowing if the situation could have turned out to be extremely dangerous (it was dangerous enough by the sound of it, both psychologically and physically). You did the right thing not telling him you were leaving. If you had told him – you might never have got away. This is the truth. It is an uncomfortable, very harsh truth for many people, but those of us who have lived it, and seen it, know absolutely that it is the truth. And more than that, it is the advice given by well-trained professionals on safety.
Sometimes I feel still an immense outpouring of grief because I seem to have lost my family entirely as a direct result of what my ex did. Other times I am comforted that apparently I have gained a ‘new’ family – though this feels quite disparate – at times.
When you say you have nowhere else to go – can you see that you have a whole future ahead of you. A new future, which you can build step by step? It is not easy and all of us know that. But we can move forward together…
all best
ftc
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Dear Wishful,
Well done on getting out safely! Well done to your daughter for speaking her truth to her abusive father!You both did right. Feeling isolated is part of the consequences. I’m afraid. You are now faced with a whole bunch of people, some of whom love you dearly, who all know the rules for regular relationships. What they don’t know is the very different rules that apply when you’re in a relationship with an abuser. I won’t say ‘abusive relationship’ because a relationship has never yet abused anyone: it’s always people!
Here s the thing:those people need to be educated about abusers; how they function’ what they do and how to escape them safely. They may look to you, but educating them is NOT your job. You have more than enough to be getting on with.
Why not tell your father that what you need from him is just his love and support, not being judged? You could point him at The Survivors’ Handbook on this website and tell him reading it will help him understand your actions and why it was necessary for you to leave without warning.
If he’s a reader, he might get himself a copy of Lundy Bancroft’s brilliant book Why Does He Do That? He’d begin to get it then. But please don’t wear yourself out and get upset trying to explain and justify yourself to anyone. If your father won’t be your supporter, he’s siding with the abuser and you’re better seeing less of him until he’s begun to understand.
Your ex is creating a lot of noise and drama to confuse everyone and dodge blame and responsibility. Let him wear himself out and save your energy. You might need to limit contact with anyone advocating for him until it dies down.
After all, you’re safely out – it worked: that’s proof you acted wisely, I’d say! You don’t need everyone to approve – some never will – but you need to be sure you did the right thing.
If you ever doubt it, come and talk to us!
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Dear Wishfulthinking
Another vote of support for you here.
Stick with those that understand what you’ve been through and what it took to get out. It’s taken me years to understand the dynamic, others on the outside do not understand it, and as flower said, its not your job to do that and save your energies. Only you know it had to be done that way, end of, no explanations necessary.
Keep talking here and with those that really do get why you did what you had to. There will always be something that the abuser will use to alienate your friends and family from you, they are so very good at it, if not because of escaping whilst he was away it would be something else.
I guess others do not know how scared someone has to be to act like you had to. Maybe they could know that if you think it would help. Stay strong there, you did the right thing in the right way to keep you safe.
Warmest wishes ts
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Hi, I’ve just read (detail removed by moderator). It covers alot of the stuff your talking about. I’ve never really read much about (detail removed by moderator) before because I was scared to really confront all of my confusion being in such an abusive relationship. This woman has been through this, with him twisting everything and shifting the blame on to her. Also her family. I wish I had read this ages ago, it explains it all so well without all the psychobabble. What I didn’t realise is abusers turn the mirror on you,they deflect their short comings on to you. When you show them that you recognise what they’re hiding they crumble. Anyway I found it a really helpful read. I feel a little bit silly that I’m only just fully understanding this now ! Xx ☺
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