I think i’ve only gone and done it again

[bubbles]

Member from last abusive relationship but I think i’ve only gone and done it again and got with another. I feel sick and woosey with worry.

I met this guy (detail removed by moderator) years ago he seemed nice had a daughter and was a good dad. We were friends and got on well. We lost contact for a few years and got back in touch over the summer and started dating. He was perfect, he adored me and things were meant to be or so it seemed.

It moved fast and things seemed perfect I even allowed him to meet my kids which is something I rarely do even with friends and most certainly not guys i’m dating. It was so beautiful.

(detail removed by moderator) it started. His daughter was at my house so ws my daughter. They get on great and declared themselves sisters from when they met. He started getting funny implying that his daughter wasn’t being looked after at my house it died off and things resumed as they have been.

(Detail removed by moderator)

Get home drop her with my mum goes home alone. He sinks a few cans and it begins. I am a rubbish parent I should have shouted at her instantly also what sort of mother lets there kids stay with family twice a week. They should be at home 7 nights. I sit while he picks my daughter through to pieces from the night before even exclaims he hates her. He’s really angry.

I bring her home later that day and have a talk with her like I was going to do. She apologised to me and promised she’d be more careful in what she was saying. He then changes his tune says both my kids are great but my parenting is slack.

I didn’t argue back I don’t like arguments I sat and listened to what he had to say. Once I sleep on it I text him and tell him he’s had 2 strikes my daughter was wrong but if he speaks about my kids like that again or says anything more about my parenting method or kicks off in general it’s over. He apologises over and over says he loves both my kids and tells me they’re great.

I am going out (detail removed by moderator) he’s with his daughter and asked if I want to go to his after.  (detail removed by moderator) he’s been funny via text not texting often and leaving me on read a lot which he doesn’t normally do which I am wary about because my other abusers would get funny if I was going out.

He drinks a lot
Talks about violence a lot
Talks about himself a lot
doesn’t like me talking about other men even those I work with
doesn’t talk about his past relationships ( he apparently got stabbed in 1)
blows his wage in a week and is constantly borrowing money off people
Pushed this to go as fast as it has gone

good points are
he compliments me constantly
he makes a huge effort with my son and my son loves him
does things like pays for hotel for daughters thing
offers to do chores round the house
Has been single many years (something many abusers don’t do)
Plans positive things for our future
Is good with his family
is a reliable dad always pays his share and picks her up when he should. He sticks to his exes rules when seeing her even when they are unreasonable and had a tolerant relationship with her even though he says the odd negative thing about her (detail removed by moderator)

Sorry for the long winded story but I think the extra detail was necessary about daughters behaviour. What do you think? I am filled with dread i’ve done it again! My son thinks he’s great and i’ve allowed him to get attached I am angry at myself for this and now pulling away from my BF. I think he started on my parenting because he was told he was a bad parent.

[queenmaeve]

Hi, get rid! far too many red flags here with this man. Absolutely out of order criticizing your parenting. Why was he single for so long? why does he disparage his ex?, too many questions but my advice (and I’ve been there) Get rid!

[Lemonnaise]

I think you know the answer already Bubbles, and that’s why you posted.
Just because he has good points doesn’t mean you should overlook the bad ones. I’m so sorry 🙁

[SunshineRainflower]

He has loads of red flags Bubbles, well done for noticing them early on. I hope you are able to end it with him and the sooner the better. Please don’t put yourself through it again. Even one of those red flags is bad enough, they are very serious red flags such as the heavy drinking and liking violence, and his behaviour telling you off about your daughter is absolutely terrible. Imagine trying to parent with someone like that.

It looks like he charmed you at first and only showed his good side and you got attached to that, which is very common and what has probably happened to all of us here, it has certainly happened to me multiple times with both friends and romantic relationships. It’s why we have to move so slowly through all the stages of relationships with new people, including friends, because it takes time for people’s true selves to be known and abusive people are very skilled at hiding their true self at first.

You sound like a great mum with a lot going for you so hang onto that and don’t throw it away for this man who doesn’t deserve you.

[KIP.]

The good points are what any partner should and would do so he gets zero brownie points for that. It amazes me how we are impressed by things that should just be automatic in a relationship. It’s years of being downtrodden. The red flags are too much. Time to move on. At least you’re learning to set boundaries and stick to them. Sadly you shouldn’t have to even think about boundaries x

[Camel]

Hi Bubbles

This is what they call the honeymoon period, as good as it gets, yet a few months in and already he’s messing with your head.

It sounds like he does a great deal of telling you his side of the story. Was he really single for years? Is his ex really unreasonable or has she fought hard to manage contact with an abuser? Was he really stabbed by an ex? Why has he picked this one to tell you about? To make you see him as a victim? To make you modify what you say and do? Does he have anything positive at all to say about his past relationships? He criticises your children, how you raise them, plays favourites. He, apparently an adult, went into meltdown over some transgression by your child. He declares he loves your children but how can he when he barely knows them? Did he tell you this once he realised he’d overstepped the mark and felt you pulling away? At best you describe him as ‘reliable’, ‘makes an effort’, ‘pays his share’ – nothing overtly loving here, not even towards his own child.

You say that everything moved fast but was it actually him that moved things swiftly along – love-bombing then ignoring, adoring then critical? Fortunately you’re on to him before he gets himself mixed up with your home, your finances, your kids. This won’t be a failed relationship, merely a blip and a few forgettable months. Neither should you think of him as the tortured ex you failed to tame. One day he’ll just be that bloke you dated for a while.

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