I think my relationship might be emotionally abusive?

[RelearningMe]

I think my relationship might be emotionally abusive?

I ((detail removed by Moderator)F) have been with my other half ((detail removed by Moderator)M) for over 10 years,  married with a kid for (detail removed by Moderator).
I saw a post recently about emotional abuse and it worried me how much were similar to my relationship.

I decided to see how some common themes matched my experiences.
He has belittled me in the past. He has told me that he doesn’t find me physically attractive. Has pointed out to some of the less desirable parts of me (my belly, unwanted body hair). It often feels like he  notices flaws before compliments.

Do they usolate you from your family and friends?

Not intentionally. He doesn’t work and I am a stay at home mother so we are always together and I think it makes us ‘fester’. He will often find an excuse not to go out. I am sympathetic to the fact that we both have mental health issues but I try and get out for the sake of our child.

I’ve been accused of having affairs when I’ve not been outside without him in at least a year. He told me after an argument once that he wouldn’t be surprised if I had found someone else and he had no trust in me.

He has absolutely threatened to destroy my belongings. My stuff is always referred to as “(detail removed by Moderator)” and he has told me that if I don’t keep things the way that he wants then he will bin my stuff.
I will always be the first person to admit that I can be a little bit untidy but he has called me “(detail removed by Moderator)” like he often criticises my spaces and belongings.

(detail removed by Moderator) he found a (detail removed by Moderator) that I had left ((detail removed by Moderator) and its kind of disorganised right now). My (detail removed by Moderator) was thrown against the wall.  I asked if he could have a bit of respect for my belongings and was told that he will when I put s**t where it belongs. I get that the (detail removed by Moderator) wasn’t put away but surely  chucking it was too far?

He has never physically hurt me or our child but sometimes he moves our child in a way that I see as too hard but he insists it isn’t. It makes me feel like I’m accusing him of abuse or something.
I feel like I have to carry a lot of the burden of childcare even though we are both around him the same amount of time. I feed him, give him juice, will often be the one doing enrichment and play. I have to tell my husband when he’s crying that it’s cause he’s wanting a snack or juice or a cuddle cause my husband tends to have the belief of letting him cry it out and then he’ll shout at the baby.

If I mention things like this then I am often made out to be the bad guy.
If I mention that he has said something mean then it’ll be “Oh it’s just a joke babe, lighten up”. Either that or I am the bad guy.
I think he’s been love bombing me as well. (detail removed by Moderator) he’s noticed my sadness and every other word has been “(detail removed by Moderator)” or “(detail removed by Moderator)”.

Recently I have been questioning if I even want to try and fix it or just start again and work on myself.

I’m just so horrifically conflicted as I know he is a good father and a good guy deep down. I worry as well what would happen if I were to ask him to leave in the future, like I worry he would hurt himself or worse.

I feel trapped, like the only way out of this without disaster is if he falls for someone else?

[Hereforhelp]

Hi, he isn’t a good guy or a good father as he would be naturally showing you and your child how he is a good father. He is leaving most upto you, he is chosing to ignore his baby and leave to you. Him accusing you of affairs is so common with abusive partners. Sorry to be so blunt… I do not want to sound mean however he is doing what he wants. Mental health is no excuse as he is an adult who can seek help for himself if he so wanted. My husband made me believe I was mad, many many years together and the drip drip of I am untidy, he can only show love or feel love through sex! Putting me down in so many areas of my life, he attacked my charactor subtly and so often that my brain believed him… until I started to recognise that it wasn’t all me and that his behaviours weren’t healthy.. Once you start to see the abuse it is very hard to unsee it.. I would get a feeling in my chest that something wasn’t right and in the end that feeling wouldn’t go.

My husband did threaten suicide, it is another Common tactic, having said that it is upto your partner to seek help if your partner ever claims to be suicidal as that’s something for him to work through and not a joint health issue or for him to blame you.

It is exhausting when you do everything as it is… I felt the same, now separated I just carry on doing it all but without so much grief from him so in that sense it is easier.

Also, sex made me feel physically sick towards the end…he woukd puy so much pressure on me to have sex or do sexual stuff that in the end I just couldn’t.

Keep posting ❤️

[Littlepixie]

I’ve had this for years from my husband. Putting me down, calling me a fat s***, coming in from work & complaining the mess yet it’s ok for his stuff to sit around for weeks on end.
My children are now teenagers but even back when they were babies I did everything. It can be fine for a few months then it starts again.
If you’re unhappy I’d try and get yourself ready to leave him. I regret leaving it so long & now my kids have grown up in a toxic environment. My son will break his heart when I do get a place for us because he idolises his Dad but I do think he can see how bad it is that I don’t want to go downstairs when he’s here.
There’s so much support out there that I knew nothing about.
Contact your local WA. I now have a support worker who I chat to on the phone & the lady at housing executive was so helpful too.
I’m the world’s worst person at asking people & I hate being a burden. My close work colleagues who I have told have been fantastic.
Sending love x

[Author]

Posts