I think this is emotional abuse?

[Poppy Hill]

Hi all,
I’m new on here.. I posted an anonymous message on a mum group on (detail removed by moderator) about my husband and it got hundreds of comments all saying that I should leave my husband.
We’ve been together (detail removed by moderator) and we have a (detail removed by moderator) year old.
Basically, my husband is very controlling. But he really plays with my head. One minute he’s saying I can’t do something. The next he’s saying I don’t need to ask permission even though previously I’ve had to. If I want to spend any money (considering I work full time too) I have to ask permission. I can’t do anything with the house. If I tidy things away I get yelled at for moving things.
He never takes anything I say as fact. For example, if I give him advice on something to do with out daughter he immediately says it’s wrong.
I know what’s wrong with my daughter most of the time but he never takes my word for it. Says mothers intuition is a load of rubbish.
I feel like I have to make up for anything I get or do.
He always moans that I use too much petrol and that I must be driving my car badly. (I’m a very safe careful driver). He doesn’t like me going to see friends or family because he says it costs too much in petrol (they live under an hour away).
I just feel like I can’t do anything. Growing up I lived with a parent who emotionally black mailed me into doing a lot of things for them and I didn’t have much of a childhood because of it. Now I feel like I’m back in the same situation.
I just don’t even know where to start with things. I believe I need to leave him.
Ive pneumonia recently and he wasn’t sympathetic at all. Still had to do everything and he was awful to me.

I wouldn’t want my daughter to feel like I do so I know I need to get the strength to leave but I just keep thinking that this is just in my head and not the reality of the situation.

I feel so alone in all this. I have no one to talk to either.

[Dragonfly]

Hi

So sorry you’re going through this. He is controlling you completely. Abusing you. No way do you need his permission to do anything or spend your own money. Families communicate, they don’t live under a cosh. My husband was the same in respect of our son. He didn’t have a clue what he wanted or how to care for him. (I use the word care loosely).

You are an independent woman, you have a job, your own money, your own mind. Please don’t let someone dull you down so much you forget who you are.

In my situation my ‘husband’ knew there was something on my mind for days. Eventually he asked what was wrong. I just said I don’t want to be with you anymore (I’d said this many times in the past) this time however somehow he was stunned, had a panic attack but he still left. Now he’s been gone almost (detail removed by moderator). The relief was immense.

You are not alone. You will get lots of support here. You might want to ring the helpline too?

You know you can’t live the rest of your days like this. But I do understand the confusion and doubt you feel. Clarity is difficult to find when you’re in this position.

Trust me. Telling him to go was the best thing I did – for everyone.

[Poppy Hill]

Thank you for your reply.
I feel like I’m trapped.
The house is in his name. He likes to remind me of that quite frequently. So I don’t know if I have any rights over the house at all. Also, all my money goes into our joint account. So I literally have no way of even hiding money from him to start putting it aside or anything. I literally have nothing financially. I have a car on finance that is in my name but all other bills are in his name. I just feel so trapped.

[Dragonfly]

I can imagine how trapped you feel. You do have rights though. Please try to call the helpline they really are brilliant. (Lines can be busy but keep trying). They have lots of advice and tips. They can direct you to other agencies and will support you.

I think the main thing just now is you don’t have any control over your finances so are reliant on him, which in turn means you are trapped. And of course you also have the doubt and confusion of what the relationship actually is. It doesn’t have to be like that. He doesn’t own you.

I can say one thing for sure abuse always gets worse never better. He is emotionally and financially abusing you. With him saying it’s his home he’s only trying to intimidate you. It’s matrimonial property at the end of the day.

Please call the helpline x

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