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Yesterday he shouted at me once again: I am cold and not feeling, his never experienced this by anyone else, I shouldn’t be so cruel, I should have more sympathy for him and his situation. He was sobbing away. What a terrible abuser I am.
He makes a scene either by violent swearing and shouting and sometimes combined with this (what I think is learned behaviour to get attention via pity). Of course in the early days I was more ‘kind’ (I think) to him for his sorrows that is mainly boarding school childhood, but in this case loosing her sister in the 90’s – which I think is quite a while back.
Our pattern is, once “I have managed to wind him up enough”, that I stay calm and quiet, nod my head, as it is difficult to get a word in between, and it would be useless as well once the steam is at its full force. Of course inside I am boiling, and I use all my energy and concentration to stay calm. I think it may look outside that I really don’t care and that I am too calm. But I have such a turmoil inside of me that I am physical exhausted and and shaking when I can have a moment on my own again.
That as a background: yesterday, having blaming me of my coldness (though he corrects “he is not blaming, he is stating facts”), I was expecting him to give a list other people who think so too. (That I find always most cruel as, I will find it difficult to relate to these people same again, having been told what they “really” think.) He said the normal “and I am not the only one to think this.”
“Yes, I think so, too” came a faint voice from next room where our son was.
This of course fuelled him, and naturally it hurt me. But once the situation was over and I was alone with the little one, with whom we are very close, I asked him what did he mean with the comment he made. He replied very maturely that I could have been kinder to dad in that situation.
I have been thinking of that since. How can I explain to a child what emotional black mailing is?
For I think that that’s what he is doing to me. But of course it may look odd to the child that I don’t comfort his father who cries for the death of his sister. He uses crying a lot. And “I am the abuser in our relationship – though unfortunately it does not look like this”.
Grrrrr
I fight so much not to fall into that trap, as I see it. I am still in the process of leaving. I like a term that I have picked up from here ‘mental separation’. I am nearly there, but not quite yet: to go or not to go, and how to go. I am so scared of that battle. If everyday wears me out like this (and keeps awake the nights) how can I face the uprooting.
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Its so frustrating isn’t it when they have convinced others that they are the victims. My abuser was abusing me on every level, (taking me to court to get full custody of my children and to have me out of our house with him living there and me out. And the reality was he wouldn’t have had what he had (house, children ) without me. As my barrister rightly observed ‘he was a complete waste of space’ and I agree ‘a good for nothing’. The only thing he’s good at is abusing. And I don’t say this to be mean or bitter. This is the actual truth. Abusers are lazy, selfish, arrogant and only do something good ‘to further their own ends’ and ‘feather their own nest’).
Anyway that aside, my abuser, abusing me on every level had ‘everyone’ feeling sorry for HIM. He was blatantly abusing (yes I can relate, he shouts, I’m quiet) yet to my children He was the one to be pitied, felt sorry for, supported etc.
I (the target of his abuse) was the one, by my children, his family and mutual friends, even one or two of my friends, to be blamed. My abuser is ‘a very good actor.’ Mine would win an Oscars for his outstanding performance. Yes I remember him ‘blubbing’, hands in his head, visibly distraught (after just screaming abuse at me) sitting at the kitchen table and my then teenage daughter running to comfort him, telling him it would be ok while I stood in a corner of the kitchen shaken and upset after ‘his verbal abuse screamed at me’ . My daughter ran to his rescue (the perpetrator) and left me (his then victim).
He had all the rescuers (all my children, all his family, his relatives and friends and family of his relatives), all our mutual friends, all his friends and 2 of my family and one of my friends, supporting him and his abuse.
I know my children aligned themselves with him because of their fear of him. A friend of mine said ‘My children’s fear of him is as great as their love for you.’ That helped me. They were doing (and still do, oldest child always aligns herself with him, he still has influence and power over her) what they had to do to survive.
His other rescuers were probably ‘influenced’ and ‘swayed’ by his oscar-winning performances and ‘pity ploys’.
Grrrr is right!
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Wow! This is like my situation. He yells, he controls, he criticises, he scorns…. And then he crys. The kids hate his behaviour but when he cries they are all around him. When I am left crying because of his abhorrent behaviour they just go off into their own spaces.
I too, am heart strings detached, emotionally detached, now waiting, after several counselling sessions, to find my literal way out. It means leaving our close knit community, leaving friends, business interests, but I would give anything to be out – it just had to feel right. He was so awful a few weeks back that I told him I wanted out and he did the most disposable thing and brought the kids into it, knowing they are my weakness. He is the most loving and patient sad at the moment, scoring points and favour, whilst I am left on the sidelines, dealing with the aftermath of his abuse X -
Oh god, im in the same situ as both of you. He will tell everyone what a cold unfeeling unloving wife i am. He lies about me. Brings our kids into everything, tries to turn them against me. He will go mental, screaming at me, calling me a psycho b**** etc, then he sits sobbing and rocking in a corner, saying ive caused this. Even called his mother saying i was hitting him when in fact i had been nowhere near him, i was in a different room trying to stay calm while he screamed the house down. I am emotionally shut off from him now, i have been driven to the point of wanting to die just to escape, but id never do that to my kids. He has told me hundreds of times im a psycho and if i leave he will take my kids away from me. Its an awful lonely place to be xx
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Yes, very familiar to me, only when my ex cried after his horrific outbursts, I would rush to comfort him! That’s trauma bonding. After many many years, I began less and less to go and comfort him and the fear grew. I was continually waiting for my ‘get out of jail free card’ which turned out to be catching him with another woman. The sad thing is, and I can’t empathize enough, you don’t need one. You’re desperately unhappy and you don’t have to live like this. You have every right to walk away from an unhealthy dysfunctional relationship which your children are now being exposed to x
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I feel for you so much. What you’ve written is SO familiar. And really well written. I know the exhaustion too well. Yest he told me off for being cold and distant with him (he knows I want to seperate) and I replied with “im really sorry, its not intentional I think it’s just my way of coping with how things are between us’ at which point he started calling me a p***k and telling me to hurry up and move out… in front of my kids. It takes SOOOO much effort to keep calm and focus on being a great mummy that I feel like Im constantly drowning and never able to feel ‘alive’ or full of energy.
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Yes, i can see my situation in this too. My ex lied during our relationship and I think that he told his friends and family massive lies about me when we split up. They all gave me the complete cold shoulder and it just did not make sense. He must had told blatant lies about me for them to act like that, its really hurtful isn’t it.
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