I thought I had dealt with my past

[Frumpy]

Hi, I left my very controlling husband (removed by moderator) years ago, divorced him got full custody of our child and as far as I was aware he had returned to his country of origin. Last year I heard he had died in UK (removed by moderator). I’m still trying to find out from his family if they have kept some ashes for his child. Complex grief going on there.
Anyway I have also spent the last (removed by moderator) years dealing with family estrangement issues in my own family, and after 6 months of counseling was finally at peace with my family circumstances. After just one week of feeling like I was in a better place I have just had a massive emotional breakdown regarding an aspect of domestic abuse in my marriage I had previously not been aware of. I feel completely floored and joined this group to help me work through some unresolved stuff in my past.
So I’m wondering if it’s normal to go through this kind of thing years later, when you think you have finally dealt with everything? I’m scared of what else might be lurking in the background that I have failed to acknowledge from my past?

[Shaishai]

From my experience this is totally normal. My abuse happened a couple of decades ago and I have recently struggled with it. Partly because I burnt out and finally started to get help for it with someone I could actually talk to. Are you able to get counselling or other preferred form of help? It sounds like you have had a massive amount of stress to deal with lately. That can’t help. Have you been to your GP and talked it over?

[Lisa]

Hi Frumpy,

Welcome to the forum, it seems you have just started posting here.

Know you are not alone in the way you feel. We all process trauma and grief differently and in our own time. It sounds like there has been quite a lot of emotional upheaval in your life, and that may have been the catalyst in resurfacing trauma from your past abusive relationship. It’s important your able to talk about how you are and receive the appropriate support to help you move forward. Coming here on this forum is certainly a positive step in doing this.

You may find calling Supportline helpful. They offer confidential emotional support by telephone, email and post. They work with callers to develop healthy, positive coping strategies, an inner feeling of strength and increased self-esteem to encourage healing, recovery and moving forward with life. They also keep details of counsellors, agencies and support groups throughout the UK. They cover a wide range of issues, including domestic abuse. They can also refer locally. You can contact them on 01708 765200.

You mentioned you have been to therapy recently, but you may want to specifically get one to one emotional support that deals with your past experiences with domestic abuse. Your local domestic abuse service may offer emotional support groups or one-to-one support/counselling. It is worth asking.

Also, The Freedom Programme is an 11 or 12 week rolling programme which provides information about male violence to women. This programme identifies the tactics abusers use, the beliefs held by abusers, and the effects that domestic abuse can have on women and children. The Freedom Programme is for women who have experience of domestic abuse, be it in their personal or professional lives. You can start the programme at any time, and you can attend as many or as few sessions as you choose. Each session is entirely confidential, and you can contribute as much, or as little, of your own thoughts and experiences as you like. Many women find this a very useful support group as it is available to women whether they are experiencing current or past abuse. The Freedom Programme is run in many locations across the UK.

I hope this helps. Do keep posting as I’m sure here you can receive plenty of validation and assurance too.

All the best,

Lisa

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Frumpy

Sorry for the abusive situations and challenging family experiences you have been through.

These things tend to come up when you have the brain space or emotional capacity to better deal with them. So its common for women to suffer the fallout of their abuse after having left their partner. When it behind you, and you are not trying to survive in it.

Do keep posting here for some support and I hope you find the links useful too. Look after yourself well, and sending you strength for facing these past traumas.

warmest wishes

ts

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