I thought I wanted us to try to reconcile but I’ve realised that I don’t

[Lizardlady]

Hi everyone,
I’m so confused and alone.
Spoken to him and he’s apologised and admitted that he’s abusive.
He’s signed up for help for perpetrators. He thinks I’m taking him back as long as he proves he’s serious. He’s never so much as said sorry in the past.
I felt like I really wanted this afterwards, I was so emotional and so was he.
Now today I feel like I do care about him, but I don’t want to be with him anymore.
I feel guilty if I end it I suppose and fear he will do something to himself because I’m all he literally has.
I feel stuck due to the kids encouraging me to give him a chance as they’ve never saw him admit or say sorry or anything else either over the years. (detail removed by Moderator)
I have no friends or family either so I feel we are both codependant to a degree.
What do I do?
I just feel like all of this is a nightmare, sort of regret phoning the police in the first place now and keep thinking am I just blaming him for all our problems?
Thanks ladies

[Footballfan1]

Hi Lizardlady,

Your feelings are completely normal.
The best advice is to trust your gut.

Throughout my turmoil of should I take him back, or shouldn’t I, I understood the difference between what my heart was telling me to do, and my gut.
Unfortunately, abusers rarely (if ever) change.
They do not believe they have a problem.
They know how to say all the right words when required, such as when we leave or threaten to leave.
Learn to react off his actions rather than his words.
I’d be surprised if he follows through with the abusers programme.
They often say they will do it, but either don’t or use it to their advantage to carry on abusing.
If he chats a load of nonsense about changing but doesn’t do anything about it, that’s no good.
We have emphathy, we feel guilty, we feel sorry for the abuser.
They are very good at painting themselves as the victim.
We hear all their problems, hurts and sorrow.
We feel bad for them.
It is all a tactic.
They know full well how to tug on our heartstrings, and which buttons to press.
It is heartbreaking to hear you are alone.
Have you contacted womens aid directly yet?
There is support out there.
Domestic abuse teams.
It is scary and daunting, but there is so much help if you are able to access it.
Keep posting on here, anything and everything.
You will have support and kindness from thus forum.
Be kind to yourself, you did not ask for the abuse.
X

[Camel]

Saying sorry doesn’t make you safe. Admitting he’s an abuser doesn’t make you safe. Promising to get counselling doesn’t make you safe.

‘Signing up’ doesn’t really show he’s serious. Perpetrator counselling is a long process with absolutely no guarantee of success. If he is genuinely remorseful he would value your safety above his own needs.

[StrongLife]

Sorry you had to call the police. This must have scared your kids too.

I too had the kids wanting and begging me to stay with him – though no commitment nor understanding towards perpartrator training from him – just vagueness towards couples counseling which was never attended.

It’s common they say about hurting themselves. This is just controlling tactic to keep you there.

Please be careful. Perhaps seek a counsellor for this. There is ways around no money and community help. I to had limited money – no job and it was far gone and still got out.

Please be careful and reach out for support.

[Author]

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