I thought I was in a healthy, loving relationship. Was I?

[pavementfrogs]

My (detail removed by moderator) relationship recently ended. He treated me as though I was the love of his life. Affectionate, loving, attentive. Since breakup and opening up to a couple of close friends, they are suggesting my relationship was far from this and he was indeed financially and emotionally abusive.  I am sorry to post here as I know some of you have been through real and worrying difficulties. But I need to make sense of what happened. Was it a lie? Was he genuine?
(detail removed by moderator)

First date, he was nice, but I didn’t feel any real connection. He, however, was gushing. He told me I was so beautiful, wanted to take a photo of me as I was “far more beautiful in real life”, he felt a real connection and pursued me immediately after. I agreed to a second date and things just started to develop.

I had a very successful career, (beautiful) own home, car, big circle of friends, lots of interests.

He was working as a (detail removed by moderator), living with his (detail removed by moderator), borrowing money from his (detail removed by moderator), (detail removed by moderator)

He was however charming, good looking, great body! He treated me as though I was the love of his life. The dates just kept rolling. I paid for most things, including meals out, weekends away.

He pushed to move in at about the (detail removed by moderator) but I resisted and was clear I did not want it, I was not ready. Fast forward (detail removed by moderator) months, (detail removed by moderator), he moved in and lived with me (detail removed by moderator)

During covid, things worked. He was furloughed, spent the summer in the garden, sunbathing, while I worked. I enjoyed the company of him being there. He helped around the house, maintenance, DIY, cooking, washing. We got along really well. He fitted in perfectly to my life/environment.

(detail removed by moderator) I asked if he would start contributing to some household finances. Not a lot, but something. I explained cost of living had gone up and also, I was concerned about him being with me for the right reasons. Was he only with me for a free life? He reacted badly, saying he couldn’t believe I could suggest such a thing, that he truly loved me and he wishes he could contribute financially, but he just didn’t have the money.

(detail removed by moderator).

I had a constant n****e that something wasn’t right and that there was something I didn’t know/he wasn’t telling me. He didn’t disclose much about him, his past and never discussed the future. He would justify this as, because he didn’t earn much (by now working as a (detail removed by moderator) and bringing home on average (detail removed by moderator) a month), he felt he couldn’t contribute towards future planning discussions.

I was not included in his life/family. In the first few months while he was living with his (detail removed by moderator), I met her on numerous occasions and she came to my home (detail removed by moderator). (detail removed by moderator) into our relationship, we were meant to take his children out for the day but his (detail removed by moderator) stopped it saying they were not comfortable me being a part of his children’s lives. I was never included/invited to any of his family events. (detail removed by moderator) I met his children (detail removed by moderator), his brother (detail removed by moderator) and never met his sister; he was included in my whole life. He said he felt terrible about this but didn’t know what to do about it. When he went to family occasions, he would send photos to me of them all enjoying themselves.

Despite this we got along, walked together, hiked together, went out for meals. I loved his company (mostly). We were great doing something or nothing. We spent all of our spare time together, doing something or nothing. Everybody that knew us thought we were perfect together. Made for each other. He was always truly attentive, affectionate and made me (and everybody else) believe that I was the love of his life. He absorbed himself completely in my life, joining me in everything I did ((detail removed by moderator), taking the kids to (detail removed by moderator), everything).

There were however ups and downs, lots of periods of not talking (I can’t know even recall why it as if my memory has blocked it), he would leave for a night or two, with no communication. Upon his return, we would sweep things under the carpet and move on.

(detail removed by moderator)

Relationship aside, I had a lot going on with my son who, post-covid suffered school withdrawal, substance abuse, depression diagnosis, involvement with the police. This was incredibly stressful (and continues to be). Life at home was difficult and I became very low and could be quiet/withdrawn with my ex. He sometimes tried to hug me and I would pull away. My ex mostly supported me through this and was somebody to share some of the load with.

Earlier this year, I found messages from my ex to (detail removed by moderator) girls approx. (detail removed by moderator) months in to our relationship arranging to meet them for sex. I hit the roof and asked him to leave. There was no discussion, he just left.

(detail removed by moderator) later he messaged to say “(detail removed by moderator)”. We arranged to meet up to talk things through. He wouldn’t admit to sending the messages, he said he hadn’t even looked to see which messages I was referring to.

A few days later, I caved and I asked him could we try again at our relationship. He said he was unsure, but would “try”. For (detail removed by moderator) months, he cruelly played me. One minute all over me saying he loved me, I was his future, instigating intimacy. The next, completely cold and cruel. (detail removed by moderator). During the (detail removed by moderator) months of “trying”, my son attempted suicide and my ex didn’t even ask if I was ok. My ex finally ended our relationship saying he was a shell of his previous self and couldn’t continue in the relationship, it wouldn’t be fair on either of us. I thought he had chosen a single room, in a shared house in the roughest part of town over me. However, (detail removed by moderator) later, he moved in with his current girlfriend and they are now professing undying love via social media, they have never been so happy, talk of marriage and babies.

He treated me so cold and cruelly during these (detail removed by moderator) months. Since separating, many people have come forward saying they believe he is smarmy/sleezy and he had been messaging people whilst with me (detail removed by moderator) and an allegation that he was having a fling with a local (detail removed by moderator). Since the relationship ended, I have discovered he is many thousands in debt. (detail removed by moderator)
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(detail removed by moderator) Please comment.My overriding opinion of him is that he was lovely to me. So affectionate. Did everything with me.

[Lisa]

Hi Pavementfrogs,

Thank you for your post and welcome to the forum. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. you mentioned what he was like when you first started dating- “love bombing” is when someone uses big romantic gestures, makes big promises to get you into the relationship. Once the abuse starts to creep in- you want to go back to that and hold onto those good memories- it can be very confusing.

You described how he pushed to move in quickly- how he didn’t contribute to the household finances- and he would react badly when you asked him about this. you were going through a lot with your son and should have felt supported by your partner. You have described someone who was unfaithful towards you and was very manipulative. He knew exactly what he was doing and its understandable that you are focusing on the good times- and the time you spent together. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Author]

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