I thought it was love, not abuse

[Moonlit Night]

It’s been horrible, it’s truly been the most horrific emotionally painful period of my life. Deep emotional trauma. Bending and twisting my values, my dignity and my soul with one focus – to serve a deeply damaged other. Which I failed at. Of course. More importantly, I failed myself. I wished I ended it x years ago, the barely-there highs weren’t worth the continuing lows 😔

When I recall the reality of the last few years I’ve felt emotionally trapped, completely unable to end it, terrified of upsetting him, his rage, mentally exhausted, spiritually broken trying to keep him happy, or even just reasonable. Or was it to make me happy? – desperate to get my dopamine fix that was oh, so infrequent, yet all the more powerful – waiting for a comment or message that I could over-interpret and treasure, feel the rush of euphoria that negated weeks of dismissiveness.

Throughout these years I was mostly pretty low; i’ve journaled most of it and it’s depressing to read. I couldn’t sleep, became addicted to my own dopamine rush, craving for a person that didn’t exist, living for a handful of memories that weren’t real.

I’ve done my research – his intermittent positive reinforcement was far too low; doesn’t the reward of positivity peak at 50% when the craving for dopamine is its highest? And HOW I craved him. I was addicted. Notice I say was 😏. I’m guessing he didn’t know the 50% ‘rule’, or he simply didn’t care.

I became disappointed on every meet. Without fail. Little eye contact, obsessed with his phone, self absorbed, irritated at me, monologuing his constant dramas – I was bored, ignored and hurt. When he cancelled I began to notice anxiety I didn’t even know was there leave my body, my shoulders physically drop. My poor stressed-out body was telling me, signalling alarm… yet I still carried on, being there for him, listening to his rage, his frequent arguments with others, soothing him with calm words and unrequited kisses, stroking his hungry ego whilst deeply harming my Self, silently craving for him to make me feel special, just for one delicious moment. The smallest c***k of light would immediately recalibrate my mood, rid me of all anguish, clear his debt.

Eventually, at some point, I gave up hope of being wanted, I was defeated. I felt low most of the time, had turned myself inside out to appease him, hyper focusing on what was no longer a relationship, it was abuse. I recognised I’d become consumed with his chaotic, negative mood, his constant instability, his obsessive, high-functioning anxiety about how he was perceived by others and performing at work. It left no space for anything else – no affection, no fun, no idle chitchat, no me. I was desexualised and closed down feeling like a ghost of the woman I was. I questioned what on earth was I doing.. I felt the need to save myself. I felt broken.

The ‘relationship’ is over though we are connected via our professional lives. I can’t cope with him again, being over-invested and hyper-focused, attempting to meet his abundant unmeetable needs, dropping everything to hear his depressing monologue, be abused again. I don’t need to do that anymore. I needed to stop. I have to now.

I love me.

[Lisa]

Hi Moonlit Night,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Dino]

Hi Moonlit night, As I read your words I could feel your pain, I think a lot of us here on the forum will also, you expressed the thoughts & feelings so well, thank you, its inspiring to hear you finally recognised you were in an abusive relationship, and that their only thought & actions are to get what they want, for the abused to do what they want, pander to their needs, the giod times as you say become few & far between. I’m at the realisation stage & I hope I can get to the stage when I can say I’m going to look after me & can get free of this toxic relationship, good luck & look after yourself, we all need to learn that. X

[Moonlit Night]

Thank you both, this was my first (and last) intimate abusive relationship. Shocked it happened to me in middle age, though I’m beginning to make sense of it.

Weird too how it was all so textbook when I read about narc abuse – blows my mind!

[Hereforhelp]

I can relate to how weird it feels once you realise you have been in love with someone who isn’t even capable of love…. I too am middle aged, I am so glad to be free of him, that part is so empowering, it is a battle to move on, physically/mentally I had a lot of push and pull feelings escaping the cycle of abuse which I had become so used to that I didn’t know how low I had got, health wise I was always in and out of hospital.. that has stopped as my body is recovering.
Be kind to yourself, it is a lot to process ❤️ HFH

[Better-days]

This post is so touching as it’s so relatable. I’m still stuck in this relationship tho and feel guilty sometimes for how I don’t show my partner any affection I can’t bear for him go touch me. But this post has just reminded me so much of the times I craved his attention and god it blows my mind to think why. When u reach the point where youv nothing left to give it’s better I guess but while im still in the relationship it’s horrible I feel s**t sometimes he should be with someone who wants him craves him like u used to.

[Baddays]

Hi Moonlight,
New too, and dont always feel a survivor but my focus has to be one.
Your experience is alarmingly similar to mine and no doubt that of many souls who only ever wanted to give warmth, care & love and indulge such in return. Which would be little surprise if like me you had all the initial ‘love bombing ‘

It seems the one thing we all end up having to accept to get by each day is it is pointless to respond at all to these liars, thieves cheats..

I dont feel I can help myself somedays, but when I look on here and see good people with real hearts going through what I didnt even realise myself I have been victim of it truly makes me question what this world allows us to deal with.

Today further accusations and any other jackanory he sees fit to insult with and I should say nothing !
Impossible at times but I do now ask him to consider if what he suggests is his version rather than that which I may have confided in the person who pretended to be in love & my best friend.
So completely wearing these individuals , to then further add other critical stuff that would possibly be meant more importantly for someone who did love & care for him . Its no wonder we all feel like we are going crazy !
I’d just say to everyone at the hands of people who do this – we have to reach out to those we trust and leave these useless snakes on the ground where they belong. I am real angry as now lost of love ,I dont tolerate these accusations . I know there intent !
This is a bad day but not forever !
Do as best you can and dont look back , we will always have empathy but wasted on them.. use your energy now always for you x

[Author]

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