I thought it would be better

[Ayanna]

When I rang 999 when I almost got killed I though that would be the end of my suffering. I thought …. What a wrong thought process.
Then another hell started.
I was so numb, broken, could hardly function. I do not even know how I survived the first six months. I was doomed to die on the street because I have no kids. Only due to my will to survive I did not end up homeless and kept my job. I had nobody to talk to. I was not allowed to have counselling by a charity who would have given me counselling at that time because of the court hearings. I had to keep everything to myself. I felt as if I was about to explode. I had no idea how the courts functioned, what would await me. I was scared and broken. Nobody answered my questions. They all said that they could not help me.
The so called friends were suddenly nowhere to be found. When I meet them now on the street I do not see them. I do not want to mingle with people who lack character.
I lived through an endless time of excessive court hearings, retraumatisation and incredible stress. I was harrassed by mediators and solicitors. There were days when I did not know how to cope with the work stress and this problem all at the same time. It was too much.
My nightmares started in the night when the police threw him out and they never stopped since. Gradually I noticed that I screemed during my sleep.
I had a divorce lawyer for some time, but they just collected money and did nothing. And money I had not enough.
I decided to it do all by myself then and joined online solicitors and googled a lot and phoned legal helplines a lot. I puzzled the information together, because nobody would ever tell me the full picture. Awful.
The criminal proceedings were equally awful. They were never ending and always they wanted him to go free.
I did not understand where I was, which world that was, that was so supportive of abusers.
A few weeks ago a long and terrible journey has ended and I finally saw some light at the end of the tunnel.
I had my first lovely Christmas in years, all by myself, with my own company. I enjoyed it. I am on my own for a long time now and I still cannot imagine to tolerate another person in my house.
I began to feel a little secure, that I was finally free. Then I had this letter last evening. That demonstrated to me that my freedom was an imagination. The court has messed up everything. It is so messed up, that I can never feel free and safe.
I broke down and cried. I could not take this. The insecure time has started again.
Waiting what is going to happen next … for sure it will not be nice. It will require lots of effort again, preventing me from doing things that are required from me at work. All my letters did not help. They do not care. I am a nobody to them and they keep persecuting me. They have no empathy that I have a job and that I want to have a life.
I feel as if I am up against a massive brickwall. I am completely powerless. I am not allowed to be upset. If I become upset they will say I am mentally unstable. They will say there is no reason to be upset. They want me to relive the trauma over and over again. Someone not long ago said to me that they want us to go crazy. I believe that she was right.
Abusers have all the support, they can rape, injure, do anything. As long as they do not deliberately murder their victim – I mean, as long as it cannot be proven that they did deliberately murder their victim, they get away lightly. Many rapists never get punished. Even bringing rape cases to court does often not help. The women are the ones who suffer in patriarchy. Nobody cares about our health. Getting the right medical support is a daily fight. Receiving counselling is impossible for some, me included.
Victims are expected to cry silently, to lose weight, to look like real victims, broken and malnourished. Any victim who keeps a job, who eats lots, looks ‘normal’ on the outside and speaks up is not considered a victim.
I came across these sterotypes countless times and they p**s me off.
Abuse has a number of longterm health issues as a consequence. There is research and the psychology and psychiatric world knows all about it. So why do they not support us straight away? Why this endless sitcom about being accepted in counselling or not for years, until everything is too late?
It is because women are not considered worth this effort in the worldwide patriarchy.
Women victims who speak up against this mismanaged support and who have a voice despite what they have been through are shunned. Nobody wants to listen to them. They do not fit into the category of how a victim should behave. Patriarchy teaches us from small girl on how a woman has to behave and often this is the same as victims should behave.
I became an outspoken victim. Because I suffered too much. Because I looked death in the eye, because I was so close to death that I could smell him.
Nobody ever considered that I have human rights.
But I had to tolerate when they spoke about the human rights of my abuser. Oh yes, his human rights, blablabla…..
Who ever considered my privacy, that I have a job, that I need rest, that I need a break from all these neverending procedures?
Nobody of those who are so concerned about the human rights of the abuser.
They feel that they are entitled to do to me as they please. That is abuse, nothing but abuse. Because they do not have my consent. They invade into my life without my consent. Whoever they are, no matter how powerful and institutionalized they are, they still need to gain my consent. Without my consent everything what they do to me is abuse, it is a violation of my human rights, it is torture.
They did not ask my consent again. They just invaded my privacy after everything was over. They torture me, they abuse me. And nobody helps me to stop this. What a crime! What a disgusting crime on a woman!
Sadly it is not considered a crime by legislation. It is all legal. Like so many abuses that were legal once in history.
I do not know what to do. I am clueless. All I know is that what happens to me is wrong, very wrong.

[Falling Skys]

Hi Ayanna

Thankyou for sharing your experiences.

I feel silence give abusers strength we need to be heard. Rights for victims I say.

FS xx

[tobehappy]

Wow wow wow…you sound the lie the strongest person I know. I understand how angry you feel and what a desperate position you are in but you have accomplished so much. When you feel you can do no more, try to take a step back and reflect on what you have achieved, all off your own back, despite what everyone is telling you. Please keep the faith that the truth will come out in the end. Stay strong and keep telling the facts. They are the facts, you cannot be caught out. I understand how you have to sensor the way you act and what you say to give the “right” impression. It is mentally exhausting. I hope you are able to find some support and ultimately find some inner peace. You will show them all in the end….I believe in you xx

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