I told him I think he has n**********c traits

[DizzyFossil]

New to the forum, hoping for some advice!

I have recently started speaking to a therapist and after hearing what I had to say about my husband he gently told me that his behaviour is emotionally abusive and n**********c.

He recommended I join an DA support group so here I am!

I have reading the is it abuse post and a lot of it gut wrenchingly resonates.

On digging a bit deeper I think mine is a ‘covert passive aggressive n********t’.

Since this discovery I feel I have woken up and am more aware of what is going on but am also visibly shaken during the day, we are both working from home while the kids are at school which has made things much worse.

He noticed I was shaken up (detail removed by Moderator) and I ended up telling him my therapist thinks that what has been happening is emotional abuse.

I wasn’t intending to tell him but it’s out now and I’m still thinking we can work on it.

As it’s something my therapist said he did accept it but seemed appalled at the idea and wanting to make a change. Since then I have had the silent treatment all day and can feel his rage bubbling away.

Have I committed the ultimate sin in telling him and giving him a chance to change? Part of me thinks it’s only fair to give him a chance to fix things but the other parts are wondering if he will now be able research and counteract anything to do with that to devalue the idea, and a whole other part wondering if I am just inventing things from a normal relationship, I have no blueprint for what a healthy relationship looks like so I don’t know.

I do know that listening to ‘the covert passive aggressive n********t’ today has made me shake with worried realisation of what has been happening for so long, so many things I couldn’t describe laid bare.

(detail removed by Moderator) has been horrible knowing he’s ignoring me and just waiting for the inevitable comeback of why he is right and I’m crazy.

I don’t know what to believe anymore and am too embarrassed to talk to anyone who knows me, also worried they will also say I’m making it up.

Sorry this has turned into a complete ramble.

Thank you for this forum it’s affirming but also shocking to see how prevalent this behaviour is.

Strength sent to all dealing with stuff!!

[Eggshells]

Hi DizzyFossil. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. When you suddenly realise what’s been going on in your relationship, it can be a real shock. It can take time to sink in but slowly, the scales fall away from your eyes and you really start to see it.

I suspect he will do everything he can to convince you that he is working on it. He’ll even behave in a much better way for a while. Then when you are sucked in, the abuse will start to creep back in. Please google the cycle of abuse. It might be quite enlightening. My ex even went as far as pretending to go for counselling so that he could convince me that he was getting better.

N**cs can’t change. I have heard that, at best, they can understand that their behaviour is wrong and try to curb the behaves that they have been told are abusive but it is a life long battle for them. I’ve never heard of a n**c who has even bothered to try. Most just don’t accept that there is anything wrong with them because they genuinely believe they are perfect. One of my parents is a n**c as was my ex. I have decades of experience with them.

Please be careful now. The silent treatment will end and he may well decide to forgive you. Then the love bombing will start. Don’t be taken in by it. It’s not real.

[KIP.]

Don’t get caught up in labels. He is emotionally abusive and that’s where I’d concentrate. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven? Start there and see if you recognise some patterns of behaviour. Google the cycle of abuse. The bottom line is he’s abusive and does it deliberately to achieve what he wants. It’s typical of an abuser to deny then punish us for brining up something they don’t like. That’s the silent treatment. It makes us feel like we must have done something wrong because why else would we be getting punished. It’s crazy making behaviour. Is your therapist trained in domestic abuse. If so I’d have thought you would have been told not to discuss the sessions or even let your partner know you were going. I told my partner about my sessions and he would just twist everything round. Including telling my that I was the one seeing a therapist because I was the one with the mental health problems. Crazy making. This was before I knew anything about domestic abuse.

[DizzyFossil]

Well he hasn’t said more than two words to me since (detail removed by Moderator), any that have been said seem to be with a ‘heavy heart’.

I would have desperately tried to comfort him and apologise before but I’m seeing now how manipulated I have been. I have left it and he still hasn’t spoken to me, I never would have left it this long before as I did t want to hurt him.

He love bombs me every night, no matter how bad a day we’ve had or how awful he’s been or how much I don’t want it he full on grips me tight as we fall asleep, I couldn’t work out why it bothered me so much but I realise now I knew it was fake, controlling and nothing to do with what I wanted, but I felt like a monster; who doesn’t want hugs?!

My body has been telling me for so long, how did I miss it? It’s like I’m waking up after a fog has been lifted.

God I’ve explained everything away as my depression and anxiety, it’s not that! How have I let this go on so long I feel like I want to scream.

I think my therapist is trying to gently break it to me, I suspect if I had asked him he would have said not to say anything. The thing is I tell husband everything and I believe his statements about his life being so unfair and try to help him, and that he wants to help, but it’s not true. He only wants to help himself.

Thank you both for your responses, it means so much to be heard but I’m sorry that you’ve felt like this, it’s devastating.

I’m now worried about how I’m going to get out, so much to sort for the children, I can cope with anything but I don’t want them to suffer. At least I’m feeling now that I should get out rather than try to help him again.

[KIP.]

I spent decades on medication for a problem that was never mine to fix. Anxiety and depression are what happens when we are abused. When our feelings are ignored and buried and never validated or expressed. No wonder we are depressed. Your kids need a happy confident mum. Healthy mentally and a good role model. Abusers take up too much headspace for us to be whole around those we love and care for. We go into survival mode and everything else doesn’t get dealt with. Once you’re away from abuse, your headspace returns and your world becomes a bigger happier place to be. My life became smaller and smaller and the world became scary and my mental health was destroyed. Don’t let him do this to you. Keep reading posts and learning from others on here. These men are predictable x

[KIP.]

I got to the point where I deliberately set him up to see his reaction just to prove to myself that he was abusive, that his answers were gaslighting and lies. It’s totally shocking when the fog lifts and I had decades. Contact womens aid for support and to help With a safe exit plans. You need to get all your ducks in a row, to be safe and financially secure x

[DizzyFossil]

I will contact them, thank you.

I am supposed to be having an operation at the (detail removed by Moderator) for a (detail removed by Moderator), ironically because I thought that was the cause of my lack of sex drive!

I am worried because I will be laid up for a few weeks and dependant on him. He’s always moody if I’m ill or need him to help me with my stuff, I am thinking I should postpone the op and tell him it was cancelled.

The (detail removed by Moderator) symptoms are mostly mild and I feel like waiting to have that until I’m safe and independent would be a far better plan.

I feel so foolish.

[Beautifulday]

Hi @dizzyfossil
And welcome to the forum lovely to meet you.

Silent treatment is a form of abuse my H has done it all through our relationship and at first id be so upset , id be grovelling around him apologising even though I hadn’t done anything as the silence would cripple me but this is why they do it, they like watching us suffer they like making us feel anxious and upset, they like making an atmosphere! This is who they are and usually they know you’ll start talking to them or ask them what’s wrong so dont! Play him at his own game if he’s giving you silence give it to him back get on with your day, keep yourself busy I know this is easier said than done but he will realise your not playing stupid games with him.

Also just wanted to say when I discovered terms and names like you I told him and it was the worst thing as they usually then start calling you these names so beware of doing this, these men are crafty they will most likely Google the things you’ve told him to sort of get one up on you that’s what they do and thats what my H does. He’s called me an abuser hes called me a n********t! ! They don’t like being called out and will do everything in their power to turn it around make you feel like the bad one so from now on dont tell him anything make your moves private, dony say a word of what the therapist has said or what terms or things you’ve learned otherwise he will most definitely use it against you.

With the love bombing dont be sucked in by it, I used to but not anymore. Its all the cycle of abuse they know they can abuse give silent treatment then at the end of the day go to hug you and act like nothing happened.stand your ground ive started applying the grey rock method.

Stay strong lovely you’ve made the first step by coming here so your in realisation phase, its hard and you will doubt yourself I still do but keep posting here and give womens aid a call you should have a local one and then the ball will start tolling. Take care lovely xx

[DizzyFossil]

The silence has been broken as he heard me on the phone to a very distressed mother and calling her an ambulance thinking she was (detail removed by Moderator) The paramedics said she is completely intoxicated, stank of alcohol and needs to go through detox.

So now he is supporting me, helping me phone family and sort it out, saying he can take me over there and his mum will look after the children (detail removed by Moderator).

This does feel like genuine care, like he snapped out of it when something bigger was wrong, really wrong.

How do I reconcile that with the other behaviour?

I feel like I was starting to make progress in understanding what is going on and actually reflecting properly and then suddenly my mum is up to her usual stuff and I need support, and I get it.

Am I reading this all wrong?

I’m so confused:

[KIP.]

It’s a hook to hook you back into his dysfunctional games. Part of the cycle of abuse. He knows if he’s dreadful all the time you will just leave.

[KIP.]

You’re giving him credit for what a normal loving partner would do. He gets no credit for this. It’s just a good excuse to step in but no doubt he will cast it up to you or want something in return x

[DizzyFossil]

I know you’re right. I just want to have a real conversation with someone who can listen and cares.

My mum is so unstable, speaking to her actually hurts my head like she’s psychotic but she’s not, like dementia but not. I want to be held without worrying what the motivation or price will be.

I want him to be my husband I have given so much.

I’m sorry this all seems to be happening so fast and unpredictability, I can’t find solid ground.

[KIP.]

It’s the most hurtful thing to accept that someone we love is Deliberately abusing us. It’s a shock to the whole system. We have lived in denial for so long because it’s far too painful to accept. So take baby steps and be very kind to yourself. You don’t need to do anything at the moment. Just take time to gather yourself x

[KIP.]

Loving and giving him everything will not stop him abusing you.

[DizzyFossil]

KIP thank you so much for your replies, I was in a pretty dark place yesterday and knowing there are people out there who understand really does help.

Beautiful day thank you also, I have just reread your words and badly needed to hear them.

He’s being perfect family man today which is making me queasy; I feel like I’m lying to him and it’s so against my nature. Is this common, to feel like you’re the deceitful one? He can see I’m completely off balance and I really have to stop myself from talking to him about what is really going on in my head.

So many questions I’m sorry! I feel I’m monopolising the forum but also have nowhere else to turn to.

If anyone needs advice about other things maybe I can help, e.g. excel or arts and crafts…!

[gettingtired]

@DizzyFossil, I’m feeling like the deceitful one. In my head plotting and thinking, not being honest like I would always usually be. It’s a horrible feeling. I felt like I was taking over the forum with all my posts too! In fact, I contacted Lisa the moderator to see if there was a limit to how much I could be posting! She said it actually helps other women to read posts. I forget there are probably women out there who can’t make accounts on here and can only read posts. I wish I was an Excel expert but arts and crafts sounds better 😊 x

[KIP.]

Abusers control us using guilt so yes it’s very normal to feel guilty about keeping stuff from him and the anxiety of him finding out is because of past experiences of his abusive behaviour when he doesn’t get his own way. It’s all coercive control x keep up the arts and crafts, a great way to relax 👍

[Author]

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