I told him I want to separate, now he wants to work on things

[DizzyFossil]

I spent the day hiding in my bedroom, my children staying instinctively close to me.

I have a plan for how I can be financially independent but it involves moving (detail removed by Moderator) miles away and he agrees it’s the most logical solution but he won’t let me do it.

I have never seen him so upset, he was literally shaking when we went to bed so much that I said I would try our upcoming counselling session.

Then he kept begging me not to take the children.

I want out with every fibre of my being, but he won’t let me go, and I am not leaving the children.

What can I do? I don’t want to stay in the area we live, I have 0 support system and it’s too expensive. We have nothing tying us here as renters except his parents and they offer help occasionally and have a good relationship with the children. I don’t want anyone to be denied access but I can’t move on without the support I have been offers.

I feel like he wants to keep me trapped. I am the breadwinner and primary caregiver and he won’t let me go.

I feel worse than before.

[KIP.]

It’s not up to him to let you go. That choice is yours to make. Talk to your local women’s aid about a safe exit plan. Do not tell him you’re leaving. It’s a dangerous time for you when you try to end a relationship. They will do anything to regain control and that includes hurting you. My advice is to plan that move as soon as possible without him knowing. Get some legal advice too. Rights of Women offer free legal advice as you want to be the legal primary carer. Keep a journal of his abuse and report it to your GP. You’re going to need something in writing as evidence so that journal is important as it confiding in your GP.

[Living Warrior]

i agree with KIP- it is not HIS choice to let you go, its YOUR choice to leave. get in touch with womens aid, my school nurse helped me get out too.. diary all the incidents in as much detail as possible. dates times witnesses etc. take screen shots of any messaged call logs etc. womens aid or other charities will help you make a safety plan, and get out. NEVER tell your partner what you are doing, (you are not lying, you are keeping yourself and your children safe) i have been in your situation, it is a terrible one to be in, my now ex, pleaded begged etc to make me stay, he played so many mind games that i didnt even know where he ended and i begun. dont get into that cycle here.
dont tell him your going, the children can go with you, but you must get legal advice as kip says, this may sound drastic. but im speaking from experience. if you can get it all sorted before hand, then it saves you and the kids more grief in the future, schools CAN AND WILL let him take the kids if he has parental responsibility, regardless of the situation at home, they have no legal standing to stop them, unless you put things in place. police will not get involved if he takes them because of the shared responsibility.
my ex was vindictive, and no i never thought he would do half the things he did.
my advice is speak to womens aid, get a place, talk to solictitor, you can apply for court orders which are emergency ones and done quickly, and can also done without giving him notice of what your doing.
dont stay where u arnt safe. people who behave this way can be very good at acting, and zoning in on our insecurities, they never really change, they just get better at hiding what they are doing and discovering worse ways to do it later down the line.

all the best, i hope you get out safely x*x

[Author]

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