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It certainly sounds like a positive response, like he actually seems to be taking responsibility which is a good sign. Tread carefully though. This might lead to a ‘love bombing’ phase where he makes a massive effort because he is panicking. When this settles, the old behaviour might start creeping in again. Only time will tell. Hope it works out for you and well done for telling him about it, that must have been hard. X
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He’s always known what he does to you and how it makes you feel. He’s always known it’s wrong, just like you and I know it’s wrong. He will say whatever you want to hear. It won’t be long before he does it again in my opinion. He’s already proven what he’s like. Concentrate on you and your freedom and safety. Ring the helpline number on here and contact your local women’s aid.
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It took about a year from me trying to make my partner aware to my realisation that there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. He too was really sorry but I understand now that it was more about him being seen as not being ‘nice’. Read about n**********c abuse, it will help you make sense of it all.
And even though I have reached the stage where intellectually I know I have been/am in an abusive relationship, my heart still doesn’t want to let go – reading others posts on here I’m guessing this is our main challenge, nevermind the practical hurdles, it’s our hearts that cause us the greatest mountain to overcome. -
I found the brain washing and trauma bonding were the hardest to break. I don’t think we love these men. How can you possibly love someone who rapes and abuses and takes pleasure from your distress. It’s all mind blowing dysfunction and programming which needs a drastic reprogramming of our thought patterns.
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Thank you for your responses. He knows that if he does it again he needs to leave I’m not with him at the moment.just living in the same house. Time will tell he’s being extra nice the last few days since his last outburst. And my son said he is being nice to him too and called it weird that he was acting bloke that. I’m waiting to see what happens.
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It’s a very dangerous time for you. In tried Living with my husband after telling him I wanted a divorce. When he realises you won’t change your mind he can easily hurt you and your son. There is no negotiating with an abuser. Are you getting support from women’s aid? Talk is easy. Let’s see how long it takes for his mask to slip. When it doesn’t, he’s going nowhere so you might want to have an exit plan for you and your son. It’s terrible and traumatic Living like this. Anxiety, walking in eggshells, waiting in the next outburst. It’s a trauma that can badly damage mental health now and later in life.
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Kip – it’s the programming I’m really concerned about – any advice or books that you’ve come across that tackle this? Being exposed for so many years to this behaviour leaves me at a loss to know what is a healthy response; reaction; relationship etc. I completely agree with you that the damage they do goes way beyond the here and now – it affects our mental and physical health plus our ability to trust others and even to trust our own judgement.
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Hi Escapee, try to get a good therapist if you can. It took me a long time to retrain my brain. It’s important to be very kind to yourself and take baby steps. Slowly expanding your life little by little. Accepting that things will feel alien for quite some time. It’s hard surviving survival. Being free felt so strange. Nothing felt ‘right’ for a long time. Try to be brave and put yourself out there when you’re feeling strong enough. Don’t rush anything. Just know that nobody will push you back down when you stand up. Mind over Mood was a good book about cognitive behaviour. The Body Keeps The Score about recovery from trauma. Don’t take on any new big stressful tasks. Start slowly with little tasks and build up. Over reaching and failing can set us back. You will get through this. It feels like you won’t ever find the person you were pre abuse. But you will. She’s still in there. Reading other posts. Validating your experience. Sharing your story with other survivors. It’s going to be a rollercoaster but I was abused for decades and I’m recovering well. You may have PTSD. Have a look at some YouTube videos about recovery from abuse. Surround yourself with positive influences. Slowly building your confidence back up. Accept it’s a long slow process just like recovery from a physical illness would be. Start by building on existing relationships that are positive already. Friends and family. I know we are often isolated by our abuser. Even a neighbour who’s been there for you. Go for a coffee. Small steps. I kept a journal of positive sayings. Screen shot posts from on here that I found inspired me. Practice mindfulness, cut out alcohol and caffeine and try to exercise. Putting one foot in front of the other sends an positive message to the brain. You can do this x
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