I told my kids’ school. Why am I doubting myself?

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Recently had a conversation with the headteacher at my kids’ school and they asked why me and my ex were no longer together. I’ve had a good relationship with the school and felt they were asking out of genuine concern & not because they were wanting to be nosy. In a split second I thought back to much of what I’ve learned from all of you on here, and decided that I would tell them some of the difficulties I’ve experienced with my ex. What I ended up saying was “He has anger issues. It got to a point where I realized it was not the type of environment I wanted to raise my children in, and so I left.” I felt like I said enough to get my point across, without totally giving details of what happened. I felt good about it, and felt good that I didn’t try to cover for him which is what I usually did. I also felt like it’d be a good idea for the school to have a general sense of what happened with my ex, so that if any issues arise in the future with him, they have a heads up. I also thought about how I may need the school as an ally in the future and how giving them some heads up now might help to protect me & the kids down the line. I can totally imagine my ex showing up at the school one day and telling the staff false things about me such as I’m unhinged or an unfit mum or severely mentally ill. I feel like now that they have a little bit of background information on him, if he ever were to try to tell school staff negative things about me, they would be more skeptical and see him as an angry man being vindictive. I feel this helps to protect the kids.

However later today I started to doubt myself and wonder if I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Am I just so used to protecting him that telling someone he has “anger issues” digs up feelings of guilt? I feel like I did the right thing for my kids, but I’m also feeling a little bit of doubt creep in.

[Footballfan1]

Hello,

You have done nothing wrong.
You have given facts to the Headteacher.
This will help them understand what you and your children were subjected to.
Further down the line, your children may show signs of trauma.
If the school aren’t aware of their experience, it can look like bad behaviour or acting out.
Once they do understand, they can offer support in a beneficial way.
It is a good thing to have the school on board.

I eventually told my children’s school about what we went through.
They offered me help and support and they offered the children emotional support.
Both the children have improved mentally and academically since leaving the abusive situation.
If they had no support from school, I don’t think what they have achieved would be possible.

Feel proud of yourself, you have done the right thing for your children.
It must have been uncomfortable and triggering to confide in the Head.
X

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much for your reply! I’m happy that your children’s school was able to offer you & your children emotional support! This was one of the reasons I told the headteacher. I’m hoping that if they notice any behavioral changes in my kids, especially on the days after my kids have been at their dad’s house, the school will be able to document it and offer support. I think that I’m so used to not saying anything to anyone, out of fear that my ex will claim I’m trying to alienate him, that saying much of anything felt like I may have been saying too much. Thank you for confirming that I did the right thing.

[Hereforhelp]

Hi singlemomsurvivor, yes you absolutely did the right thing but I understand your self doubt… I do believe we become so used to protecting them, making excuses, minimising what they have actually done. That feeling of self doubt remained with me at the start of separation etc… each time I spoke up I would feel awful anxiety in my stomach… then when nothing happens,no consequences for being honest, my anxieties started to lesson. No I do not have self doubt where my husband is concerned. I told both my children’s schools abouy the DA as I wanted them to know so as to support my children.

It is brave of you to speak out, we as women are conditioned to put up and shut up… speak your truth, you haven’t done anything wrong, well done for speaking out.

HFH ❤️

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much HFH!! Your message helped me to feel better. Outside of a few friends & my family, I haven’t really told anyone what happened. My children’s doctor doesn’t know and up until here recently the school didn’t know either. I think I need to start being more honest with the professionals in my kids lives, about what type of father they are being subjected to. I don’t have to give all the nitty gritty details, but I can at least give enough information so the they are clued in. You are so right, the feeling that I’ve done something wrong is definitely left over stuff from the abuse I experienced. I made excuses for his behaviors for years and didn’t tell anyone what was going on. Telling people feels very different.

Thank you for your support ❤️

[Footballfan1]

We are used to keeping silent for fear of repercussions from our abuser.
We have to retrain our brains to stop thinking that way.

You have taken a brave step!

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Thank you so much! This is so reassuring to hear!!

[Twisted Sister]

Hi SingleMomSurvivor

Haven’t seen you on here in a while and hope otherwise things have been going well for you all.

What you say is absolutely spot on, how saying anything to someone outside does raise feelings of guilt, can make us feel like we have betrayed, and feelings that sense of having done something good to protect the children.

You capture it very well, as thats definitely how it all feels. It is committing the most cardinal sin isn’t it, to tell anyone anything about his dangerous behaviour. Its such a deeply held unconscious drive to protect them, and exists for many reasons.

In talking carefully though, as you have done, that when asked, you say enough to be clear to someone else about his abuse, without slandering or getting nasty about it, you do indeed extend protection to your children.

You are free, of course, to say anything you want to, but for women/children being abused that can raise risk, so its wise to do it as you have. Cautiously yet absolutely, after the event, so it doesn’t come across as some kind of ‘ex’ vindictiveness.

What you’re experiencing is all part of healing, finding your way safely out and building boundaries.

warmest wishes

ts

[SingleMomSurvivor]

Hi TS! Thank you as always for your wisdom, kind words and support. 💜 You captured it all so well. What you say about not wanting to come across as vindictive is so true! My ex is really skilled at presenting himself as the victim, so I definitely wanted to make sure that I said enough to get my point across without seeming like I was bashing him. Thank you for reassuring me that I did the right thing. I wanted to come across as a rational, reasonable and concerned mother and so that now if he comes to the school saying all types of horrible things about me it will make him look like the aggressor. Thank you as always TS for your support.

[Author]

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