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I joined up to a niche site on a whim, mostly to see how I’d feel. It wasn’t as triggering as I expected, I think because it wasn’t one of the sleazy mainstream ones. Most of them seemed pleasant and sort of wholesome and sent me polite messages.
However I just felt bored with them all. Not interested in any of them at all. Nobody nearby. A lot were ten years older than me. I really wish men would just date women their own age, it would save everyone a lot of grief. One man even had a daughter who was nearer to my age! Pretty creepy I felt. I’ve deleted my profile now and feel relieved.
I also noticed that I didn’t trust any of them. I met my ex on a dating site. I used to be very trusting, assumed everyone had high empathy like me (I didn’t even realise I had high empathy until I met my ex, who had very low/no empathy). One said he’d written me a long message and lost it so ‘could we talk on the phone instead.’ Eye roll. It feels sad because I’m not sure how I can trust a man again. I imagine that if I ever get into another relationship, I’ll want to check his phone, any apps, messages etc just to make sure he’s not cheating on me like my ex was. I wouldn’t want him having any 1-1 female friends or overly chummy female work colleagues. I don’t want to be taken for granted, used, abused and made a mockery of anc cheated on again. I’m still so angry about it.
But obviously it would impact badly any relationship if I couldn’t trust them. Good men would find it stressful. Have any of you managed to have healthy trusting relationships after abuse? How did you get to the stage of being able to trust again and how long did it take?
I feel like it’s going to take me a long time to heal from this, and then it will be too late for me to meet a man and have my own family. I feel so angry at my ex for detonated this bomb in my life and causing so much destruction and giving me yet even more healing to do after I had done a lot of inner work before I met him. It’s like I’d healed my wounds and he ripped them open again.
And I was still checking his social media up until this morning when someone reminded me that’s technically breaking no contact. I feel addicted to checking it. To see which new person he is following and is following him. Ugh. I wish I could just move on and stop obsessing over him.
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hi hun
i dont think u ready to date yet, theres nothing wrong with joining dating sites, i did the same to test myself and see how i felt, its good u joined to see how u felt, its also a good way of picking up on red flags, i personally think guys on these sites are just after sex, but hey that could just be my negative thinking or experience or the fact like u didn’t really connect to them and the ones that had red flags were completely ignored.
Ye sit is frustating and annoying how they wasted so much of our lives, part of recovering i had to decide not to let him spoil the rest of my life, wouldn’t i just love a guy so i could be in a relationship, but i know i’m still not ready, i need to be able to know who i am and not let anyone change that, i need to become even more stronger so i never stop loving myself and be aware of who has my best intrest at heart, in mean time i continue to make male friends and female friends and build my confidence , watch how men behave around me and make sure they don’t overstep my boundaries. I used to do same follow ex and his family ocassionaly on facebook, its not worth it, they do move on with their life and we need to do same. We don’t achieve nothing by viewing their profile, why upset yourself, i block all ex side so i cant view them either, there are some decent guys out there, i believe we will be attracted to them when we have recovered ourselves first
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I think you need to block your ex on social media (particularly facebook) so that you are not reopening wounds every time you see stuff about him. I wouldn’t rely on will power, because basically your relationship to him was addictive. Will power alone cannot overcome addiction. That’s why we use this site, block contact, get counselling, support from friends etc. etc. I would also consider breaking social media ties to his family and friends of his who he spends a lot of time with.
Also it is really hard, but try to reduce the pressure on yourself to heal. I admit I don’t have extensive experience of recovering from abuse, but I am treating it like a chronic illness whose symptoms I can reduce until it’s impact on my daily life is negligible. Reducing the pressure and going at your own pace are the only ways to move forward consistently. Well that and getting whatever treatment might be available. Counselling will probably speed things up (I’m on a waiting list, not sure about you?). But things will come together and you will trust people again. Maybe not quite as much as before, but enough for a healthy relationship!
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Hi everyone,
Thanks for your replies. I am pleased to announce that since I wrote this I have not checked his social media accounts which is positive, it’s the longest I’ve ever gone without checking them. I realised that it was not helpful checking them although I was doing it in a sort of addicted state. The addiction to checking it may well return so I’m taking it a day at a time and keeping busy working on my goals. The difficulty is that I have actually blocked him on everything, but on this one particular app I can see if he has new followers even though he’s blocked. It also means he’s permanently in my blocked list so I have easy access to his page. I think I’ll just have to keep doing what I’m doing and be mindful if I ever want to check it because no good comes of staying in any way connected to someone like him.
Isn’t it so strange and awful how at one point these men were everything to us, we spent all our time with them, loved them, shared everything with them and told them all our dreams and secrets and fears, and now we block them. Something terrible and sad and unsettling about that. I guess there is something sad about ripping up a relationship but when its abusive, we have to do it to save our lives, but afterwards there is so much pain and healing to do that sometimes we just wish we could go back to that state of blissful ignorance when we thought they were the bees knees.
Confused I think you’re exactly right I’m not ready to date, it’s still very early since I ended things and I still cry about him most days. It was good to test it out but I really am not a fan of dating sites and agree, most men I speak to just seem interested in casual sex with as many women as they can get. Even if I am feeling balanced, I find my mood drops after being on one of those sites for about a month, and I am back to feeling depressed about the world again and therefore probably an easier target for abusers who initially seem like knights in shining armour. The sleazy messages from (detail removed by Moderator), the lack of decent men, the lack of interest from the rare men I like, the emotional manipulation and whiny messages from some of the men if you take a while to reply to them, the way men set their age preferences for decades younger than themselves, the sparse barely filled in profiles and the hundreds of men who post pictures with no teeth showing!! A friend warned me of the ‘no teeth picture’ man and sure enough I ended up on a date once with a man who had rotting, missing teeth, foul breath and B.O. I kid you not. No wonder I was impressed with my ex, I met him after a long line of terrible men and he seemed like this amazing catch simply because he had nice teeth and good hygiene!!!
Tiffany I hadn’t thought about putting pressure on myself to heal but you’re right, I think I have been doing that. It’s because I’m scared time is running out for me to have a family. I am on a waiting list for counselling but it’s almost a year long wait they said so I’m looking into paying even though I have barely any income at the moment. But I feel I really could do with it as soon as possible.
It would be good if everyone just boycotted these sites and we went back to men respectfully asking women out and us being friends first and knowing eachothers communities. I think cheating and double lives would be harder for them to get away with then. Although it’s depressing that they want to cheat and lead double lives.
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I am on and off dating sites. Not looking for sex at all just someone nice to talk to. Some men are all over excited and sexed up and I drop those right away. I went on a date with one, he was nice but talked incessantly and I didn’t feel any kinship or attraction, just seemed like a nice chap.
I am on the verge of giving up for all time as a proper partner died last year and I have a male companion/pal a very kind person and maybe that is enough…
I do not find many men attractive…. sadly the only one I ever felt like that about was a no good abuser.
I am thinking of getting many cats ( joke) and settling down with my carpet slippers -
I am very aware of that pressure. I was planning to start trying for a baby next year… But putting the pressure on won’t help anything. I’m staying clear of dating sites until I feel like I might faintly enjoy it. I know if I push it I will just feel bad about myself. Which I b****y well chose not to do!
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