I underestimated him, now what?

[Purplecupcake]

I woke up in the middle of the night to him raping me. I never thought he would stoop to that level, I underestimated him.

I froze and pretended to keep sleeping, should I tell him I know what he did? Should I wait and see if he mentions it first? Should I just keep quiet until I can move out and get away from him?

I’m not sure what to do now.

[Lisa]

Hi Purplecupcake,

I’m very sorry to hear this has happened, it’s important you are able to speak to someone to talk this through to understand what is best for you moving forward. Ultimately, it is up to you if you confront your partner, but please keep in mind a positive outcome is unlikely. It could be safer to first engage in the support services I’ll mention below, as their sole purpose is to help.

As you’ve expressed it can be hard to know where to start, but perhaps speaking with Rape Crisis, who specialise in sexual abuse and assault would be a good place to start. They will understand what you have been through and go over all your options with you so you can make some decisions.

Please do also speak to your local domestic abuse service as well, as they can help you further emotionally and practically. They will prioritise your safety in all this, which is so important.

Take care and keep in touch to let us know how you are,

Lisa

[pigeonperson]

Hey Purplecupcake,

This happened to me, throughout my marriage. I’m so sorry. It’s absolutely horrible.

I challenged my ex and I was told it wasn’t rape, that I had a duty as a wife to let him have sex with me whenever he wanted!!! He didn’t have the concept of consent. He pretended to be all confused and say he didn’t understand why I thought it was rape, told me he was only being romantic and “spontaneous”. He actually tried to make me feel guilty for calling him a rapist, because of course, in his entitled mind, there was nothing wrong with what he did and I was overreacting.

I would advise you exactly the same as Lisa has, follow those channels and do not back down.

It’s only going to get worse.

Mine started his sexual abuse exactly as you describe. It got progressively worse and worse. He won’t change.

Sending you hugs. I hope you are feeling better today.

[Eyeswideopen]

So sorry… are you already trying to separate him? Can you sleep in different rooms/beds for now? Get a lock on your door? If you are married likely the housing situation will drag for a bit but you need to create phisical boundaries asap.
Even after I told my ex I wanted to separate he’d try to force kiss me and things like that, so I slept with kids as he wouldnt try anything around them.
I wasnt raped but felt like it as was coerced into it while still married. He isnisted “nicely” until I gave in, as if I didnt it’d be silent treatments, verbal abuse and stress throughout next day…

[Anonymous]

I went through the similar to in the comments , was not constant but made me think there was something wrong with me as it repulsed me, I was s.a before so I didn’t see it as non consensual as had had consensual as well and we were married but I knew it felt wrong and was always after abuse and not loving, felt like piece of meat and had to to avoid further abuse in other ways, was accused of having affairs also otherwise and had to prove wasn’t, was called degrading names and rough handled, ended up refusing all physical contact, he never hugged me, it was only all sexual he wanted, felt so unloved, was not sleeping 🛌 in same room last couple of years which was berated for but couldn’t take it anymore, been out relationship for nearly (detail removed by Moderator).

[Author]

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