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He’s in prison. People say my life will get better but it hasn’t, this isn’t the life I want. I want him, just not the abuse. He has in the past out work in to change. We have children together. I Want him to work on things in there and when he comes out but I don’t even know if we’re what he wants and I have no way of finding out as I’m not allowed contact. I do not want to live our lives without him. Help.
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There are children involved, we’re not married but I’ve read people and lives aren’t always better after divorce. There has to be a way we can give these children the family life they so desperately deserve. I know deep down that’s what he wants. I believe he has some serious mental health conditions going on
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Hi,
His mental health problems are not an excuse.
They all have excuses, they are stressed with work, struggle with addictions, had a bad childhood.
The reality is, they choose to be the way they are.
They blame shift like crazy and make us believe them.I know this sounds brutal, but you have a rare chance of a fresh start for your children.
Know this, they never change.
They don’t get better.
Have you got support through domestic abuse, police or social services.
They can help you with your future.
You are going to go through so many emotions, shock, denial, grief, anger.
It is going to be a rollercoaster.
The best thing you can do is research the break of the trauma bond and how to mentally leave an abuser, as well as physically.
Even though he is in prison, you are still mentally with him right now.
Educate yourself on how to separate your mind from his.
He will manipulate you into doing his bidding still, and control you, keep you fearful of him.
That is no way for you or your children to live.Keep posting on here for support.
Take care x*x -
What footballfan1 has said is all so true. Have you read “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft? And the Freedom Project. I am doing both rn and it has helped me begin to separate truth from lies. Like Bananaboat said, ultimately he will not change and the him you thought was there is not real.
You and your children are still a family without your ex ❤️
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This will sound harsh but, he is in prison for a reason, you cannot contact him for a reason.
We all wanted the man without the abuse, but that was just a fantasy, we wanted them to get the help we thought they needed, but only they could do that for themselves, nobody made them abuse us it was a choice they made. It is difficult but you can survive by yourself and then learn to live by yourself, you owe it to yourself and your children to live in a happy and healthy environment, reach out to the agencies that are there to help you. We can all makes excuses for them, be it mental health, a rotten childhood, substance abuse, whatever we can come up with to justify in our own mind why they are the way they are, there is unfortunately no justification. Take care. -
I’m reading the Lundy Bancroft book for a second time, 6 months apart from each other.
It is a very powerful book.
I had lent it to my friend who had 2 abusive relationships in the past.
It has brought her acceptance and closure reading that book.Like 1234Freedom said, the freedom project is amazing.
It helps you understand the cycle of abuse.
I just finished it and I’ve signed up for the freedom forever course later in the year.
There are tools out there to support and educate us, in using these tools we can give our children the future they deserve xx -
Thank you all. I know I don’t sound rational at all but I cannot help how I am feeling deep down. I am starting the freedom programme shortly. I find it hard just going to the supermarket looking at other families. The only place I’m content is in bed crying. I feel I don’t want to be doing life anymore. I know it’s not my fault but I can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. He did make me so happy and I feel so unhappy now. I’m doing counselling, taking anti depressants…doing all the right things but nothing is changing in my thoughts
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Hi there,
I understand your pain and loneliness, it’s a place I have been to too, many times.
Your life will get better, maybe not today or tomorrow, but it will in time. It will be better for not having abuse in it, or violence, or day to day fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. Your anxiety will start to lift. It will be better because your children will become more at ease having a calmer home life. ‘Better’ does not necessarily mean you will find happiness, contentment or an amazing man who will be all the things your abusive ex wasn’t. ‘Better’ does not mean you will not be lonely at times or sad.
Sitting and wishing for a better past is of no help to any of us. We can’t undo it or change it no matter how hard we want to. The life you built with your ex was not amazing or content, you are clinging on to the occasional times where you may have felt that way, but the reality was something very different, otherwise he would not be in prison for abusing you.
He has gone from your life at this time and you can’t have contact. Don’t underestimate how hard that is, it’s like a living bereavement for you. He’s gone, you want answers that you can’t get, you want promises he won’t keep, you want a life with him that was never possible, you want hope for a different future with him, and all of this continuously churns around in our minds day and night. It is all-consuming and affects our waking day and causes sleepless nights. There are some aspects of your relationship with him that you have lost all control of, but you haven’t lost control of your own life.
Some abusers can change, but it’s very, very rare. In order to change they have to admit to themselves they are abusive and violent. It’s one thing to admit to violence because they were ‘provoked’ by something we had or hadn’t done – therefore, not taking responsibility for their actions, it’s another thing to take responsibility for what they have done and how they behave. If he’s in prison he will have time to reflect on this, he will have the option to talk to some of the professionals inside and get some help. He will have time to work on himself during your time apart and come out a different man if HE WANTS TO. All of that is outside of your control or influence, even if you were able to ask him to do it.
What is in your control is how YOU now act and behave. We all have the choice to fight against what is happening and how things actually are, thus creating more pain and suffering, or embrace our circumstances and bring forward courage, understanding and wisdom. Life changes constantly and many things happen that are outside of our control, but the most powerful thing we have is choosing how we are going to respond to these moments. Use this forced time apart to educate yourself on domestic abuse. As others have said, seek professional help, read up, watch videos on YouTube, do things for yourself that he would not have allowed or have been pleased about, catch up with friends, do some exercise to boost your mental health, do things with your children that won’t cost a penny – give them your time and attention without distraction – it will mean the world to them.
Your children will be OK if you are OK. My son was 2 when I left his abusive Dad and he is now an adult. He is currently visiting his Dad for the first time in several years (he cut ties with him all by himself some years ago due to his Dad’s behaviour and attitude towards him.) This is the first time in his life he has had time with his Dad as an adult and is no longer under any control at all. We had a chat the other day and he told me they’re getting on OK so far but his Dad has still tried to put him down and insulted his appearance, his hair style choice, his clothes etc. He’s told me he can still understand why I left him and he’s glad I did. When he was a teenager he thanked me for leaving him because he’d seen the life his Dad’s other children had who were living with him and he didn’t want that for himself and said that he’d seen the life he’d have had if I’d have stayed. In fact, his younger brothers are now taking the mickey out of his hair style because they are copying what his Dad is saying.
Use this forum to build friendships with people who understand. I have made a few good friends from here over the years and we are going for a hotel spa break next week. We are all DA survivors but we still have our struggles in life, it’s just the struggles no longer involve abusive men.
You are in the very early days of Recovery here, this journey is never easy, it takes years (sorry that may not be what you want to hear but it’s true – we don’t get over this overnight.) Often things get worse before they get better, but they will, it’s that old cliche… time.
A positive quote to think about is the Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the differenceIn the meantime, acknowledge your feelings, your hurt, your pain, let it out, scream, cry, sob, have pyjama mornings feeling sorry for yourself then have a shower and get dressed. Even if you still stay at home sad, get yourself dressed. In the coming days do one positive thing at least, you have to, it’s survival.
Over a decade post abuse I hardly ever think about my ex, I’ve never regretted leaving him, my son has grown up in an abuse free home. BUT, my life is not perfect, I’ve still not met anyone to share it with and there are times it’s very lonely. However, it’s a d**n site better than what it would have been if I’d have stayed with the ex.
xx
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Thank you for your caring post. I’m finding things really difficult. The only time I feel slightly happy is when I go to to bed and know I’m not going to be awake. The rest of the time I feel completely empty. I can’t see a future. I feel like I’ve lost everything, This isn’t the life I want. I don’t know who I am anymore. How do I go about finding who I am whilst I feel so low and am bringing up very young children on my own so have no time for myself.
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I don’t know if it helps to say that everything you’re feeling is normal. Everyone who escapes abuse talks about not knowing who they are. I felt that way for a long time. We can’t see ourselves as individuals with our own likes, wants, needs when all our energy has been on our abusers’ likes, wants and needs. It takes time, distance and headspace to rediscover ourselves and to imagine a different kind of future. It’s a gradual process that gets easier with every decision you make in a day – what you wear, what you cook, what programmes you watch, how you do your hair, when you go to bed. It can seem slow-going but one day soon you’ll find yourself feeling genuinely content. Your life won’t be picture-perfect but you’ll be happy in the moment.
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Hour last post i couldve written that bit. My husband is here with me sitting next to me. Yet im so lonley so hurt i cant see a future i dont want to see a future as i dont want to live with his nasty words etc any more its too hard. So you remember how he hurt you how he made you feel? How sad alone hurt miserable that dread in the pit of your tummy wondering what next. Yes its hard now oh i can only imagine how hard lonley and scared you must feel but you are free sweetie and as much as you wish he would change he wont he really wont and you will have to go back to all that hurt and pain. What you are feeling now i believe will ease in time. You need to talk to someone reach out talk to a gp a therapist share whats inside.
You certainly dont want to bring your children up in an abusive relationship that pain will live with you forever mine are older and i will never ever forgive myself for not leaving for bringing up my kids in this way, you have a chance to show them sweetie that we dont deserve this that we deserve more we deserve love respect and kindness.
Its not going to be easy but its better than the abuse.xxxxx -
I don’t think he will ever change to be honest because once a man is abusive he will always have that in him my xboyfriend is abusive and he still is know at times once children see the abusive it sticks with them for a long time and it’s not easy for them to get over the situation that they seen there dad abusive I understand you may have feelings for him please just be careful and look after your self and your children I’ve been going thought abusive for a while and I had to get non molestation orders because the dad was horrible to me and my children and I just don’t like the behaviour
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