6th May 2016 at 12:31 pm #164969347440ccParticipant
At first I wanted nothing to do with him. I didn’t want to know what he was up to or who he was hanging out with.
It’s not even been a week yet and I’m desperate to contact him to ask if he’s ok and that I still love him and want to be with him for the rest of my life and give him everything and more like a family that he wanted to make him happy and we should just run away and start again fresh.
I know I shouldn’t but I’m becoming weak and starting to cave in.
I don’t know how to stop myself
6th May 2016 at 12:41 pm #16498Eve1Participant
I don’t know your story, but this is all so normal, not that that makes it any easier. I left my abuser and then got involved with an other relationship which was abusive, which I have ended. Today has been a horrible day for me and the urge to contact this second abuser has been almost overwhelming, but I ‘ve conquered it. Keep busy, remind yourself why you left. Anything. Go for a walk. Realise that this idea you have of running a way and starting again is a fantasy. If he is abusive, you will never ‘make him happy’. You’re out now. Be kind to yourself and stay out.
6th May 2016 at 1:19 pm #16502
I am in a very similar situation as yourself though further along. I finished with my mentally abusing ex about (removed by moderator) months ago. Still now I would like to have contact with him. I am not bothered about contacting him and have no urge to, but I would really like him or a relative or associate to contact me. It is contradictory as I blocked him in the main ways but I tell myself he should make an effort to write to me visit etc and would do if he loved and missed me. He has done neither. As we were breaking up I sent him a message telling him that I loved and missed him, he did what I believe was a calculated manipulative tactic where he pressed return mail so it looked as though he were saying to me that he loved and missed me too. I know, it sounds crazy. The body of his email was agreeing as I had said, to end things. This communication from him together with other actions and words have since left a doubt and question mark in my mind now for (removed by moderator) months. I try to focus on the relationship rather than these tactics at the end, he was no good for me. I recommend all books by HG Tudor but mostly, No Contact by HG Tudor, this really helped me. My ex during our relationship was big into coercive control, mind games, silent treatment, gaslighting etc, he broke me mentally. Do be careful and realize the breaking away is not easy but hopefully worth it once you are disentangled mentally X*X
6th May 2016 at 1:43 pm #16505
ps, I had the same thoughts and have wanted to say the identical things to him over the past (removed by moderator) months since we split. When I was with him I felt pure hatred, nothing like this longing. I am wondering if this longing is as a result of some unclear to see manipulation. Take care, it has screwed with my head. X
6th May 2016 at 1:46 pm #16506SuntreeParticipant
I think it is doubly hard in this day and age of social media to not want to know what they are up to.
It’s almost like a drug.
Your feelings are normal.
What you are projecting is the dream of family and happy ever after, but that is what it is, it is a projection of what you want and not the reality.
it does get easier as you find ways of dealing with the feelings.
6th May 2016 at 3:19 pm #16512undertherainbowParticipant
I completely understand this urge, I think many of us on here have gone through or are going through this. I’m still at that point of desperately wanting contact but also know nothing good will come of it. I’ve never had the chance to confront him on his behaviour as the police got involved and now he’s in prison. It can drive me spare at times.
Some days are worse than others and I hope things feel a bit better for you soon. X
6th May 2016 at 10:12 pm #16548Confused123Participant
JUst remember why u left and the pain he caused u, u maybe thinking but i still miss him, fight with your inner self to not make contact, they only harm us , please block him, delete his no, do whatever u have to keep away
7th May 2016 at 8:18 pm #166509347440ccParticipant
Thanks for your advice and support. I’ve recently learned that he has moved in very quickly with someone else, who is only (removed by moderator) and they are playing happy families with his friends and family. I know the same thing will happen to her if not worse as well.
The police released him without charge because of the lack of evidence with no witnesses, even though I was covered in bruises from my neck down.
You’re all right I need to remember why I left him. The only thing I can do is to keep myself occupied
7th May 2016 at 8:33 pm #16651AyannaParticipant
Did you speak to WA? You could do the Freedom Programme. That will help you for life.
7th May 2016 at 11:18 pm #16680Confused123Participant
YOur last post just said it, he covered u in brusies, dont contact some one like that, its a blessing he has moved on so u have a reason not to go back to him
8th May 2016 at 8:01 am #16691
I am dangerously close to writing to my ex. We have been no contact on both sides for (removed by moderator) months. yesterday i was thinking in another way about him, a more compassionate and understadinging way. This morning i have been thinking about what I would say in the letter. I will give this a lot of thought before I do anything. I am asking myself if i really want to be living like i would, when I am an old aged pensioner which is what I would be lining myself up for. Most of the time unhappy, stressed, over compromising, feeling angry a lot, what for? Company, companionship, sex, sharing my life with someone. I did not have visions of my life where reaching old aged I would be in such a negative state. I am a very fit and active person and had visions of myself hiking up mountains and reaching my full potential as I approach my 80s, not in the other terribly stifling state. This is what I will think very hard about before contacting him. I feel that I still love him and would like to try again.
8th May 2016 at 8:41 am #16695Falling SkysParticipant
We all trauma bond with our abusers to some extent. I found the having to think for myself quiet daunting and it took a long time to realise that I could come and go as I liked.
Also as time goes on we dilute the abuse to make the pain stop.
But I have a diary of events that I look at when I feel weak.
You like us all deserve better.
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