14th September 2021 at 8:45 pm #131463
Hi everyone, I’ve only just joined, I’ve been in an emotionally and at times physically abusive marriage for over (detail removed by moderator), the old confident me has worn away and been replaced by an anxious and nervous shell of my former self, too scared to even put one foot in front of the other. I cannot make decisions, buy anything personal without His say so, I’m constantly judged, criticised, belittled and ridiculed (He does it more in front of others). He tells me that I’m a ‘nobody’, that I’m ‘useless’ and that I should go and find someone else to ‘put up’ with me, and many other things that I can not go into here. However, what hurts me more than anything is that He has taken over ownership of my own thoughts, he is always there in my head, whether he is physically present or not, yelling at me that I’m ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, an ‘idiot’, a ‘rubbish mum’ and so many far worse offensive words I cannot repeat here.
I’ve spent years and years hoping things will improve, when all the while they have just got a lot worse, without noticing I have found myself alone and isolated from my family and friends, I gradually and probably subconsciously pulled away from my friends and family as a way of protecting myself from further hurt, and overtime I started turning down invites with friends, get togethers with relatives, because He would insult and humiliate me in front of others, and the bigger the audience, the more satisfaction He got out of it, but for me the more people that saw what He was doing to me, the more hurt and withdrawn I became.
Although I’ve gotten used to His abuse, I have never accepted it, and have always hoped, preyed and often dreamt of a better life, a life and future without Him. I’ve developed ways of coping as best I could, in the past we lost our home, went through homelessness, but I got us through it. I went though cancer, I fought though it and beat it, with absolutely no support from Him, though-out my treatment He continued to abused me, there was no stopping Him. You see He likes to ‘corner me’ me at my most vulnerable moment and kick me while I’m down, and that certainly was the lowest time of my life.
Anyway, now my son is leaving home for university, that “empty nest’ looming on the horizon has become a real wake up call, because now that it’s going to be just me and Him I really feel that there’s nothing holding us together anymore, and that I really must find myself, the ‘Former Me’ the before Him ‘Me’ again. I worry because I know he will abuse me even more once my son has left, it’s hard enough for me to let go of my son (although I am happy and excited for him) because my son is the only one that talks to me, treats me with respect, and never ever judges me. We share laughs together, my son picks me up when I’m down, and now that he will no longer be living here the thought of His cruel abusive words, His deathly evil stares at me, His silent treatments for days on end for no reason whatsoever, saying and doing things and then denying them, making me doubt my own sanity, telling me I’m ‘sick in the head’ (His exact words), constantly telling me to …. off, all of this just fills me with utter dread.
I know what I need to do, and that’s obviously end the marriage once and for all, but it is not that straight forward. We have separated many times in the past, but I’ve always given in and got back with Him because I am financially dependent on him. I do not have a job, I really want to work and not have to rely on Him but I have no confidence left in me. I feel I need to heal myself before I can concentrate on any single task, so the thought of actually working frightens me because I feel as through I will get things wrong and make a fool of myself.
So I’ve just posted a tiny little snippet of the nastiness I endure each and everyday, I suppose my reason for joining this forum has been to hear from people who can relate to my experiences and to share them, both good and bad, and maybe draw on some strength from what we share with each other.
Thank you so much for reading my story, I hope there will be better, brighter days ahead for every single one of us …
15th September 2021 at 3:27 pm #131491LisaMain Moderator
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing what you are going through with us.
From what you’ve described in your post, your partner sounds incredibly emotional abusive and coercive, I imagine it’s a really upsetting time for you with your son leaving home on top of having to live with this abuse every day.
Unfortunately it’s very common for abusers to create financial dependance over time and this can be a huge obstacle for many women wanting to make plans to leave. It’s important to know that support and resources are available to begin to discover your rights and options around this. For example you might want to look at the organisation Turn2Us who are able to advise around any benefits or grants you might be entitled to if you were to leave: https://www.turn2us.org.uk/
Rights of Women can offer some free legal advice over the phone: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/
You can also find your local domestic abuse support service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
They are confidential and can often offer ongoing practical and emotional support.
I’m sure other users will be along soon to offer further advice.
Take care and keep posting,
15th September 2021 at 5:50 pm #131494AnonymousInactive
Hello and welcome
I read your post as I too want to find myself, the woman I used to be before I got married, who had a job, was ambitious and motivated to do things.
Lisa has offered some excellent advice. I just wanted to say that I too had no job and was financially dependent on my OH before getting divorced. I agree it’s a scary thing to begin and can feel overwhelming. I’d recommend getting some legal advice – most solicitors offer a free 30 minute consultation. This can be done in person or by phone or Zoom, so you don’t have to use a local solicitor. Read through some of the family solicitors’ webpages to get a feel for them. Are they writing in rather dull, dry language, or do they give the impression of being more friendly? I would recommend a female solicitor in case you might be triggered by a male giving advice.
I hope this might be helpful: There are 2 parts to a divorce. First the decree nisi and then the decree absolute, which legally ‘undoes’ your marriage. And then the financial part. The starting point for this is a 50/50 split of the assets. This includes the house, pensions and any money held in investments or deposit/bank accounts. The court are obliged to ensure that both parties have somewhere to live and enough money to live off. I speak from experience that it does not matter who brought the most to the marriage, who worked and who didn’t. You will not be left destitute while your OH walks off with everything, despite what he might tell you!
I’ve been left so numb by my marriage that I’m not too good at expressing the emotional stuff on here, but I believe in you and that you can break free. Take care x
15th September 2021 at 10:17 pm #131507
Thanks for your encouraging words, hearing someone say something positive makes me feel a little better, I will look into the possibility of getting a 30 minute free legal advice session because there are quite a few financial issues that need discussing, and I am very sure he would cut me out of a lot of things given the chance, especially if I ended the marriage. Everything just seems so daunting right now and I cannot even think straight but being here, reading and sharing stories is helping, it’ll take time but I know I will get there, after all, anything will be better than the situation I am in now..
16th September 2021 at 9:44 am #131519LookToTheLightParticipant
It is the most scary decision to leave when you have been controlled & are so reliant on him, especially when a child is involved because they will always use that.
But now you need to concentrate on you, most of the help & advice you can access can be done discreetly, my husband had a vicious temper & I was always scared of that it took me 6 months of planning to get away, I had one good friend close by who helped. The main thing is to concentrate on is you & feeling safe & secure, yes it is scary & you will still question your own actions but You deserve better, You deserve to be happy & You are worth more than you have been programmed to think.
I wish you well & hope that with support you find the strength to chose your own path & find yourself again 💚💚
16th September 2021 at 1:02 pm #131525
Thank you for you message. You are absolutely right, I really feel as though I truly am programmed, I do and think things without thinking, things that I would otherwise not do but do so to avoid confrontation, which ends up being pointless because He always finds something to confront me about anyway..
I hope too I will find the strength and support within me to find my old self again..
16th September 2021 at 4:34 pm #131529nbumblebeeParticipant
Hey i wanted to say hi.
Well done for reaching out and welcome.
You really are not alone in this.
My oldest has just left home and things here have become worse so I understand how you are feeling completly.
I dont have much advice really I am still trying to work out what to do myself I cant yet use the word abuse or believe it so I cant offer you much. I would say read posts on here listen to the ladies they are so full of advice and encouragement. Learning why they do what they do can give you strength you didnt know you had. Learning you are not alone helps keep you upright on those bad days. Read, learn, talk.
If you can talk to a dr a counsellor a friend start to open up it really will help you.
Be proud of the fact your son is confident enough to start a new life at uni, you helped mould and shape him be proud of that. Start to believe in yourself and start to believe you deserve so much better. All the best stay safe xxxx
16th September 2021 at 9:41 pm #131541
Thank you so much for your encouraging words, suggesting I should believe in myself and be proud of my son’s achievements has made me feel both emotional and humble.
I have submitted an online referral request to be appointed some form of psychological support, group or one to one therapy, but unfortunately no one has been in touch yet, I’m kind of doubting they will since it’s been a while now.
GP’s are now advising self referrals for therapy, since the pandemic most are carried out via Zoom calls, which I feel lacks the personal touch, but I haven’t even been offered that so am at a bit of a loss with this.
Take care too, and thanks again xx
16th September 2021 at 10:52 pm #131542BettertimesaheadParticipant
Just wanted to say all the support I’ve received past 15 months has all been virtual, either zoom or phone, but has actually been really helpful. I want sure but in some ways it was easier as no need to travel etc
17th September 2021 at 11:11 pm #131589HeadspinParticipant
Roadtohealing, you are so so brave to come onto this forum and write about your experience. The ladies here saved my sanity when I first told my story. Your experience is very similar to mine. The years of humiliation, financial and emotional abuse. The hope that it will get better, that by some miracle your husband will start to behave in a decent way. I was once a confident, bubbly person, I had money, friends, a good social life and plans. After two years of living with him I hardly recognised myself, friends dropped away, family rarely visited, I was so nervous I could hardly answer the phone. He mocked my beliefs, thoughts, plans, my mothering, the way I look, dress, speak. If you can get away, safely, do it. You will get great advice on here. There is a great podcaster called Rhoberta Shaler, she has lots of vids on YouTube. She too was abused and her understanding on this subject and advice is really excellent. I am still with my husband, he is very sick so I am trapped, however things are better since I realise who he is. I don’t engage with him unless I have to, but I guess he wouldn’t be so amenable if he was in good health. Like others have said, put yourself first now, look after you. Keep coming on here for support. Best of luck.
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