i want to get better

[Anonymous]

hi, i’m new here. i left my abusive relationship not very long ago.

he strangled me but let go at the last moment. he raped me. he emotionally & verbally abused me in every way for the entire time we were together.

i still have my school exams to sit but with all this trauma it’s hard to study at all.

i was always good to him. i did everything for him. i’m a loving and empathetic person naturally, as many victims are, so i kept forgiving and forgiving but i was wrong enough times to to know i’m right in having left.

there were so many red flags but i was blinded by love. i’m sure he’s a n********t and psychopath. he matches all the symptoms. obviously i’m no doctor to diagnose him but i did know him better than anyone while we were together. these abusers aren’t oblivious to what they’re doing, they must know deep down inside.

the worst thing i did to him was refuse to see him or stand up for myself. now he’s acting religious and portraying me as a bad person but i know it’s all an act. he also says he has recordings but that can’t be possible since he’s not innocent. i know that innocent people can be falsely convicted of crime and i know he has the capability to manipulate a judge. or did he record the rape? will he blackmail me with it?

i didn’t acknowledge what had happened until months after but that doesn’t mean it’s not rape. i’m in so much pain. i hate complaining but this pain overpowers everything else in my life right now. i’ve been trying everything and anything to get better. it’s harder now that we have a lockdown. i just want one good day. i wish i never met him. i wish i left earlier. my friends warned me but i defended him and didn’t listen to them.

how do you cope with trauma? i’ve tried grounding techniques and distracting myself. i’ve tried talking about it and writing about it. nothing seems to rid me of the anger and hurt within me. i hate to identify with this pain. i was a completely different person before he entered my life. i was optimistic and hopeful at all times no matter the severity of difficulties. but this pain is so deep that it’s all i feel no matter how much i try.

[fizzylem]

Hi, you’ve been emotionally wounded and violated; so everything you thought you knew about the world has changed. It takes a while to recover but it can be done, it sounds like you have done a lot of self study stuff, so it’s probably now the time to find a professional for support, someone that understands rape, DV and trauma; someone who has a min of 5 years experience, but ideally someone who has devoted their working life to understanding trauma.

You’re right, he has absolutely nothing on you; all you’ve done is stand up to him and walk away and that is it. He’s desperately trying to protect his public image and smear your name – fine, let him carry on, those that know you know the person you are and it’s only these people that are important to you.

I would have a think about talking the police, maybe get a support worker from the local charity to go with you; if you suspect he may have some evidence at his home, this could be uncovered.

Have you ever called Rape Crisis? This is a confidential helpline and may help, Victim Support is another good one. Sorry you’ve found your way here and in need, but welcome to the forum, there’s lots of support and guidance when we need it here x

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there and well done for opening up. What you have gone through has been a terrible thing.. rape crisis are a good organisation to talk to. So is your gp. Mine has been amazing throughout all of this. What will strike you as you post more and more is how similar all our stories are. Its like they have all gone to the same school fir abusers. Women’s aid can help you with this too, they are an absolute godsend to us.i can’t thank them enough.
You’re doing so well, healing from a trauma like this can take years, or you may be able to put it behind you. Whatever, however it’s right fir you and you alone.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power. They will say anything to keep control of you,take everything he’s said or will say with a huge pinch of salt.

IWMB 💞💞

[Happiermex]

My story sounds similar to yours, looking back I feel I was raped on many occasions as I didn’t want it and after it I felt dirty and empty and used which isn’t how your supposed to feel, but please don’t forget it’s not your fault! It’s who they are not us and for that I am so so grateful. We have a chance at a bright future and potentially when ready to have a loving relationship, it could be worse that we could be them.
These feelings are normal I wish I could say other wise, I have days where I think please someone just rip my heart out and get it over with… but then I’m slowly having days where I’m ok and it could be something as simple as reading a book which he hated or I have just decorated which I was never aloud to do because I was useless. I write in a diary when my feelings get to much as I find it helps because there’s no one there to judge me. You need to try and find who you are again people change all the time for what ever reason but you can be who ever you want to be going into your future. Women’s aid said to me before…

Imagine 6 months time still being with him.

Now imagine 6 months time away from him? Which sounds more appealing!?

You got this. We all got this because we are good innocent people who just wanted to love.
And we will love again but hopefully the right person who will be loving and caring back. Speak on here as much as you can it helped me massively! X

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