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Am really really grateful to the staff at the hospital, but am in a side room, can only see now out of one eye, and mind racing.
But can see the look in the staffs eyes, as they check on me, can see their look saying * why did you let him do this to you?*,
And I know I allowed it to happen, but only you ladies understand, understand the way they make you feel, make you believe them , I didn’t ask for this, didn’t want it, but pity in their eyes makes me feel guilty, I just want to go home. -
I know what you mean, unless people have experienced it they don’t understand. Even my close friends didn’t really get it. Its not that simple. Abusers are cunning and maipulative. At the moment in my workplace the boss is an abuser/n********t/bully. I am the only one who has awareness of the behaviours of the boss. My workplace is in a ‘cycle of abuse’. She runs the workplace using power and control and fear. All these intelligent members of staff are hoodwinked by her. She knows how to charm. She is nasty then nice. She is headwrecking. She uses silent treatment and then the ‘staff ‘ who trusted her and who were taken in by her charm are confused. This a whole workplace taken in (except for a few bully personalities who join her in her behaviours).
Nothing prepared us for coming in contact with an abuser. How could we have known. We were good, kind, caring people. We didn’t know that there was such a thing as the’ cycle of abuse’ and ‘the power and control wheel’. We didn’t know that in the early stages of the relationship that the abuser was grooming us for abuse. We did nothing wrong. Its the hardest thing I ever did was to leave my abusive marriage. By the time I wanted out (when the abuse escalated) I was truly trapped, emotionally, financially, mentally, by my religious beliefs(marriage is for life) and my lots of children. Its not so easy to leave.
Chances are at least one if not more of the medical care staff are themselves in an abusive relationship and don’t know it yet. It is very common.
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Actually just thinking about it, the other day I had to deliver something to a house I didn’t know. I was just dropping something in letterbox when the door was opened by a beautiful, blonde young lady with a few young children around her. I recoiled when I saw her. I was visibly taken aback. My immediate reaction was to ask her ‘are you ok?’ but I couldn’t as I didn’t know her. And she answered the door in a cheery way.
The reason I was visibly taken aback and had a look of horror on my face was she had 2 huge black eyes and her whole face was bruised, with her beautiful blonde hair surrounding it. I left the house and it affected me for the rest of the day. I wondered was she the victim of an accident/fall or Domestic Abuse.
There was a For Sale sign in the garden.
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Dear Brokendreams, You must try to shift your mindset, prepare yourself for this change in your life. It is so terribly hard to do BUT WORTH IT IN THE END. I did not realize the challenges, all mental and emotional that I would have to face when I dumped my ex. I thought when I dumped him i would be home and dry and could happily get rid of the nastiness and get back to my nice life. How wrong i was. I had no further contact at all on either side, for me this was a problem (silent treatment by him, it destroyed my peace of mind). But in those months after I split from him, I could liken it to the emotional pain of someone you love dearly dying, combined with an assortment of mind games all of which are designed to target your psyche and vulnerabilities. My vulnerabilities were being left, abandoned and discarded, he knew it so he used that, it screwed me up FOR A WHILE. You will have minutes, hours, days and weeks where your thoughts are so confused, jumbled, irrational and don’t make sense. You will feel deep, everlasting love for your partner and be desperate for him and your settled life. This is at the same time where he might be saying to you “I love you, I miss you, I was wrong, i am sorry” etc. All of these things are the mental pulls which will pull you back. Together with familiarity of what you have, fear of change, you feel like nothing etc etc. BUT, if you can be strong, focus as fully as possible what you will find is eventually you will face freedom and independence. The trauma bonding is so strong. There is a topic on here on Trauma Bonding, if you want to look it up. I still have times now, every day as soon as I wake up and think about him, trying still to find inner peace as to what happened. But I think that I am now handling it and my life in a much happier positive way. I love my home, i have just put the washing out and had my breakfast, all innocent but wonderful things. I feel content and look forward to the weekend. I do not feel fear, anxious, dread, hate and longing. I am sending you all of my love, thoughts and best wishes Brokendreams. You can be a strong and powerful woman and get back your life. I love the book N********t Free by Zari Ballard and all books by HG Tudor, free to read on Amazon. N********t Free is great for explaining the psychology about what you feel so much longing, missing and love for your ex who hurt you so badly. It is all tied into the dynamics of abuse, targeting your vulnerabilities, power and control. Please do try to read N********t Free. HG Tudor books are free short reads which explain how abusive men act and what you can do to understand the behaviour & protect yourself. I am so happy I am now single, i’m (Detail removed by Moderator) months out and have not once regretted ending it. I still have days of sadness and missing him but these I can handle. XXXXX
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Hi broken dreams, when we are low we can think that people are thinking things when they maybe arn’t, they will show pity seeing your injuries. They may not understand the depth of DV but they will care for you and help yopu, let them do this , you have been through so much trauma and you need time to rest anb be cared for and mostly to feel safe.
You said he had contacted you, what for , is he hassling you or trying to put it all right either way it isnt safe to be with him, you have suffered so so much and we all know how it is to love an abuser or to be trama boned to them whatver they do to us, but this has been so physical and dangerous. Even letting his friends rape you,have the hosptial taken evidance for the rapes, these men must be charged for it. Take time to rest. When you do go home will he be there, you really need space away to collect your thoughts and recover, maybe a refuge would be good for a whilst to get support, been thing of you, take care and let the nurses help and care for you xxxxxxx -
Never cried so much, ( I feel guilty for crying, but always been told crying is a weakness), through the night, I kept hiding in the bathroom to cry, but couldn’t seem to stop, he has tried visiting, but the staff told me that the police advised them no visitors, and because I only have him, know won’t be anyone else, staff have been fantastic, I didn’t sleep, every little noise I freaked out, plus they won’t discharge me until there is someone / something in place, which they say will be Monday, but feel a fraud, holding up a bed that can be used for someone who’s ill, just wish I could turn clock back, never felt so alone. Xxxx
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Dear Brokendreams, why don’t you speak to the hospital about getting you into a refuge, they can organize it for you. This will be the immediate break away, its a hard first step as we’ve already spoken about. You are in such a dreadful situation and you do not need to be, i understand you may feel that you do need to be. I posted on this forum recently that every one of us deserve to have a decent day to day experience of life. Its your birth right. There are so many opportunities, to be single, to travel, get more education, relax at home alone, read good books, soak in the bath, make new friends, feel happy inside and have fun. This is what life is all about. Its not perfect we all have problems and ups & downs, I comfort eat, can be lethargic and sometimes feel lonely. But I work on these things. My mindset when I have been with abusive ex’s has been to be constantly on eggshells, having to consider what i say and how I say it, feel fearful, feel dread, feel anxious, highly insecure, feel elation, anticipation and extreme happiness. I’ve been on my own a few months now and these the things that i feel now: a steady happiness & contentment sitting in my home surrounded by my things, looking forward to good things on TV & nice food, excitement about my holiday later this year, nervousness about making new friends in a social club that I have joined. I am trying to get you to see Brokendreams that it is not right that you are in the position that you are in and with some help, support and courage you can get out of it. Sending you lots of love. X*X
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Thank you for your kind words,
Am resting as well as I can, pain relief is working, and injuries don’t seem as bad now,
I still want to return home, know I have to speak to several people first, but I am tired of all the questions, the C,I,D arrived this afternoon, as well enough to talk, but I feel torn, I mean he got his punishment, so why they still questioning me? x*x -
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brokendreams,
Please don’t let him have any contact with you. Make sure the hospital doesn’t let him come near you. He is still a real danger to you. He wants to regain control of you which he feels he will if he manages to have contact with you. His abuse will be more severe as he will want to make sure you are so terrified of you that you will never call the police again.
He has no concern for you. He does not care for you. He does not love you. Love is not getting his friends to come around and rape you. And love does not beat you and cause you such emotional and physical pain. All these injuries you have sustained are a result of his hands.Remember the previous few days. You spent the day cleaning to placate him (despite your injuries). This did not work. You can not keep him happy. Remember the tea you cooked. That was too hot or was it too cold. Nothing is ever right.
And its not your fault England didn’t win the football. He hurt you for that. He is a very sick and dangerous human being and you need to keep him away from you. You cannot go home if he is there. -
I agree with LONC brokendreams. Life out there can be great for you, its for the taking. What you have got is rubbish, it will ruin you in the end. Another lady on here, Prisoner, you might find it helpful to read her posts her ex who has since died was very physically violent, as was Better Day’s partner. It may help you to chat with these women. XXXX
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Lover of no contact, your right, nothing I did was right, and I know the staff won’t allow anybody to visit, that’s why I’m in a side room next to nurse’s station ,
Archive, I have read these women’s posts, but I really don’t think I’m that severe, I do love him, and probably forgive him, so probably good I haven’t seen him, but knowing him he won’t quit x*x -
3am and wide awake, my brain won’t switch off, what happened to me going round and round in my head, I want to scream stop, but know won’t work, am constantly fearful with every noise, even sleeping medication hasn’t worked, but I think am more afraid of his friends than him, I don’t know anymore, just know when I was with him, least I used to get some peace, but now my head doesn’t know what to do or say x*x
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Hi Brokendreams, I’m awake too. Of course things are going round your head, you’ve suffered such a lot of trauma. Please don’t let this natural reaction cause you to feel you need him to protect you because he won’t. He’ll only harm you more. I know how hard that is though when you’re emotionally dependent on them and have no family to be there for you. I’m not at all surprised you’re frightened of his friends after what they did to you. Do the police know about them? You need protection from them all. Could you talk to the nurses there? Maybe they could give you something else to take or just listen and offer some kindness so you feel less alone. You’ve been so brave. I hope you are able to take this opportunity to stay safe. Lots of love x*x
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Hi Brokendreams,
I just wanted to show you some support and to let you know that we are all here for you. I hope that you are starting to feel a little bit less sore and that you managed a little bit of sleep? I wondered if you have any specialist Domestic Abuse workers coming in to the hospital to see you? If you feel able to do so then perhaps you could ask use a phone to speak to The National Domestic Violence helpline. They could offer you some support and also perhaps talk to you about going in to refuge somewhere where you can be safe. You deserve so much to be happy and free from abuse.
We are all here for you so please keep posting.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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We all support you and care about you Brokendreams. You are a lovely, beautiful worthy woman but you cannot see that because it has been beaten out of you. You feel that what you have is normal and comfortable for you. This is brainwashing, he has penetrated your mind to make you feel that way. Normal life is different from that. Please keep posting, try to read the posts if you can. XXXXX
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Hi brokendreams, so sorry to hear you had trouble sleeping and so jumpy this is the result of the trauma and you need care to help you, do the nurses know how jumpy you are Please take advise of those who come to help, you cannot go home like this and be subject to more fear and possible abuse from your boyfriend, he stood by and let his friends rape you he has broken your bones, he is dangerous, I know you say you love him but he is dangerous, you can make a new life maybe live in sheltered housing and make new friends,you have a lot to work through and need a lot of help. you say this is not that severe yet it is very severe.
Please dont go back to him , we all care and want to know that you are safe.
sending you hugs , take carexxxx -
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It takes a giant leap of faith and effort to haul ourselves out of the hell that the abusers have created for us.
One hung that hinders healing at the beginning is out feeling of worthlessness, guilt and feeling disempowered. They leave us an more wreck.
I wish I could ‘fast-forward’ the stage of self-blame and feeling guilty for all women who are escaping violent relationships, but it seems to be something we all go through.
Please, please don’t feel guilty and like you have no right to be there or to be protected. Anyone of those nurses could fall prey to a perpetrator. Who is to say they haven’t? More people are victims than you imagine.
It’s all too easy to slip back into contact, especially if you are fearful of repercussions, but you would be returning to a prison of fear.
It takes all the guts you have to make a drastic change, but freedom is truly out there. Eventually.
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Hi Brokendreams,
I am afraid that it is more likely that he is wanting to try and manipulate you into lying to the police than he has actually had the realisation that he is wrong and wants to change. Please report to the Police that he has been in contact with you and the content of his contact and please do not speak to him. He is a very dangerous abuser who does not love you and without meaning to frighten you he sounds very capable of causing you horrific injuries. This is your window of opportunity to get some help and support to be safe so please grasp this opportunity with both hands.
We are all here for you. Please phone the helpline. If it is busy then you can leave a message and the helpline will call you back.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Lisa,
How can he be afraid of me speaking to the police?, as he’s had his punishment, and he says he just wants to talk and explain how sorry he is, he won’t come near me, but will give me space, with the other thing, well I don’t know, as for the injuries, they did plenty of texts and x rays, and found have broken older injuries that had healed themselves, but also found I’ve got a fractured skull, which explains headaches, and a broken arm, but won’t look in the mirror as with the facial expressions of staff, I don’t look good, swelling is the worst part, they want me to go to eye department tomorrow, as can’t see out of one eye x*x
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Hi, Were these older injuries inflicted by him and to have fractured your skull and broken your arm surely is GBH.
Did the courts even know the extent of your injuries. Im afraid I dont beleive for one minuite he just wants to say sorry if he does it will only be to vindicate himself and make himself feel better. If he were sorry he would not have kept beating you up , drink is no an excuse , he is an abuser.
I dont mean to sound harsh and I know you are muddled up but we are all so so concerned for your well being.
There is no way that Judge should have let him leave court without forbidding him to come near you or even contacting you, do the nurses know about the letter, you really need to tell them, so so concerned for you, please take advise and keep safe. You really should see about having a non molestaion order on him not to conatct you or come within a certain distance of you, he is also a rapist who be serving time for that and so should his friends xxxx -
Dear Brokendreams, there is no nice or pleasant way to say this, i am very sorry about that. But from what you have said you are in such a dreadfully abusive relationship and i think you will end up a statistic, the type that we read about in the news. I am sending you all of my love and I will pray for you. X*X
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Hi Brokendreams,
Please do try to phone the helpline when you get a chance. The helpline might be able to help explain anything that is confusing you and perhaps talk you through how an abuser thinks. Please do be really honest with the Police that he is still contacting you. Please also be as honest as you can be with your appointments tomorrow. You deserve so much to be free from abuse. The helpline could help to find you a refuge somewhere far away from him and his friends so that you can be safe and have plenty of professional help to heal from the abuse and trauma you have suffered at his hands.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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I am praying for you tonight Brokendreams.
I don’t know if it will help you, but myself, White Rose and some other ladies have broken free from the cycle of abuse and are now free and living our lives. I have only been on this forum for (detail removed by moderator)months, there are likely to be more women too who have broken free from the cycle.
I don’t want to not hear from you anymore.
I am sorry to say that. I am being open with my thoughts. What about your mum or the people who love you.
X
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Hi Brokendreams, you need to look into the mirror!
Look into the mirror!
Look very carefully at what you see!
Look at your arms!
Look at every wound you have!
Observe them well!
Then tell yourself that you never ever want to be beaten up again.
This was the last time!
And he is gonna pay for it! You keep zero contact! Whatever he tries you hand it to the police immediately!
You have started a new life. There is no more space for abuse in your new life!
Take all the help you can get to keep him away and to take him to court!
Everything is about yourself now, your new life, your healing! That is the focus!
He does not count anymore!
Call the police now and tell them that he sent you a letter.
Stay in hospital until your wounds are healed.
Keep posting here!
Big hugs! x*x -
Coincidence or fate?
Listening to radio, and Britney spears came on, and I cried, be cause I’m too afraid to look in the mirror!
There’s a girl in the mirror
I wonder who she is
Sometimes I think I know her
Sometimes I really wish I did.. (detail removed by moderator-copyright)I can’t believe it’s part of me
That the girl in the mirror
The girl in the mirror is me -
Trying
Trying to call NDVH All day and night, always answer machine for call back, and can’t as don’t know right time for a call back, but I feel so guilty calling, it’s obvious more needy women need their help, not me, hoping tomorrow is a better day, as allowed to bathe, and not been allowed since incidents x*x
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well done brokendreams for taking the action of calling the helpline as Lisa advises. Please continue to do so. You really need their support. Ignore your guilty feelings. Please believe us when we say you have been very severely abused, broken bones, facial injuries. bruising, head injury, raped by several men (including your partner), temporary loss of sight in one eye, all as result of your abuser’s hands, fists etc.
Ignore your denial that your bout of abuse doesn’t warrant help. Keep posting. Keep reading the other posts and keep ringing the WA helpline.
Please don’t open any mail from your abuser or let him have access to you. He is poison. Contact with him will weaken you whereas No Contact with him will allow you to start on your ‘healing from abuse journey’.
Praying for you and your healing and your freedom. Wishing you some sleep tonight and glad you can bathe tomorrow. I’m glad you are safe in your bed by the nurses station tonight.
This too will pass.
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Yes, contact with him will weaken you, they control & dictate your mind, thoughts, actions, feelings. I believe if a man who is that abusive and controlling said to a woman in a persuasive certain way, to jump under a train, she would. How is that right? It is completely wrong. The damage/illness that Brokendreams has is the illness of having her mind penetrated by a bad person so that she doesn’t know it anymore. We all care for you on here Brokendreams, WE care. We want you to feel happy, free, feel the opposite of what you do now. Feel enthusiastic, have positive goals, smile within and sit in your home with not an ounce of fear anxiety or dread, all possibly mistaken by you as comfort and reasurring feelings. You can have this life once you have got the help and support which is what we can give to you. Please don’t have any contact, the contact will penetrate your mind again, if the rape has happened once there is no sayig it won’t happen again. Next time he smashes your skull you may not be so lucky to get to hospital. XXXXX I thought you might want to look at this article. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22610534
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