I want to leave but feel trapped

[Ladyclarabow]

Hiya everyone.. I’m new here.. This is my first post.. I’m looking for a bit of advice.. I’ve been with my partner for over (removed by moderator) years.. Ive wanted to leave many times but couldn’t… But
Last year everything just got to much for me.. I confronted him, told my g.p and my mother about everything going on..ive been playing happy families for so long I don’t know what my next move is..He has spent the last year grovelling and love bombing.. And iv been dealing with facing up with the fall out of years of abuse.
I’m having panic attacks.. Insomnia.. And I’m waiting for counselling from a support group.. I feel like I’m stuck..because of the type of abuse my kids haven’t seen his unreasonable behaviour so they won’t understand why we split up .. I’m not sure how to own my own truth and be honest about my situation without feeling humiliated.. I don’t want my kids to bear the burden of the whole mess.. I’m not sure if I’m making much sense.. Thank you for help or advice

[Hetty]

Would you feel able to speak with your local domestic abuse service? They’ll help you gain clarity. X

[fizzylem]

You sound like a mother who has tried her best to keep her children protected and things appear normal – for them. There’s no shame in this, but yes, can relate to how you feel when you say it feels humiliating – but this is just where you are right now, eventually you will see that you have absolutely nothing to feel shame or guilt for. It is his behaviour that has caused the relationship to fail, you never signed up for the abuse did you, so the very first time this happened, was also the day the relationship began to end because you did not commit to this when you comitted yourself to him – this was not even in the small print!

I just told my child that we are seperating, we’re going to be living in seperate homes, sometimes this happens, like a,b, and c in your class, sometimes grown ups really try to be together but sometimes this doesn’t work out, so there are going to be some changes, that we will deal with together, but one thing that will never change is that we both love you. I understand you will have worries and feelings about this, so it’s important we all talk about what we think and feel so we can make these changes good.

You are going to need some support with regard to how to deal with this, Parentline, WA, us on here, local WA support worker, Samaritians, NSPCC are all good options and you may need one or all of these.

Your children will feel reluctant to the change to begin with, which is perfectly understandable, so it’s important to empathise with how they feel only, not to react to these feelings and thus feel you shouldnt go, because they do not understand why things need to be the way they do, and wont do until they are old enough. Children are fine and can adapt, as long as they know what is happening and when and that we include them in any of the decisions they can be included in. We also need to attend to their emotional needs, give them space to talk and express what they think and feel, respond to them, let them know you undertsand this happening to them too and you are always there to help – they can ask you anything. There is always an age appropriate answer that can be found, without blame, an answer they can understand and accept.

Would be good for them if a transition can be made that involves dad a lot, where you both support them, but sadly, this is not often achieved with these types of men, they put themselves and how they feel first, before what their children need, but this can be managed by you if this is needed. Keep posting x

[Ladyclarabow]

I’m not sure..I’ve thought about it lots.. I’ve also passed it thinking.. If I could just walk in but Ours is next a bus route and I m sure I want anyone to see me going in.. Its frustrating.. It was the first place gp suggested.. However she also gave me information for places further away.. But that comes with its own problem.. Thanks you for your help

[Hetty]

Ask for them to make an appt with you at your gp surgery. I’m sure your gp could arrange this for you.
Take one small step at a time. I’ve been unhooking myself for months and months. Each step I take – going to domestic abuse service, clearing out stuff and selling things to make money, viewing houses has been done with a heavy heart. It’s scary and daunting. Just tell yourself you’re exploring options. That’s helped me stay calm and not feel overwhelmed x

[fizzylem]

If you’re OK they will be OK, if you’re not OK they will suffer too, so if this happens it’s your signal to get you and them more support. Happy mum happy child, you think they are unaware but will have felt the tensions. It wont be until he’s been gone a few months or you are settled in your new, stess free, abuse free, happy home that they really start to feel this is ok, infact it’s better x

[Ladyclarabow]

@fizzylem.. Sorry Ive just noticed your reply..my problem is apart from my family.. Everybody thinks my husband is a hero or a Saint.. As he will go out of his way to help anyone.. anyone except me.. Unless he’s making a show for others..or wants it himself..he has told me he will leave if I want him to but I know it will be twisted and kids will be hurt by it..he knows that the kids are my everything..to make matters worse even though I’ve made some steps to knowing our relationship isn’t right I’m pretty sure I’m truama bonded to him..ive got so much going on at moment I’m not sure what to feel, how to act or be.. Thank you for your help and support

[Hetty]

He’ll be going nowhere. I’ve had the threats to leave and as soon as I say ok he retracts. They just test us and try to make us feel weak. My husband knows I’d be overjoyed if he left. Not going to happen.
Mine also appears like a decent man although those close see his temper. He’ll feed and clothe the homeless, walk an elderly lady over the street yet at times he speaks to me like I’m a dog and is so cruel, no compassion if I’m ill. He’s vile x

[fizzylem]

Yes this can be difficult to deal with; they are masters at playing with peoples perceptions and will do anything to hold onto their public image. The key here is to not try and justify yourself to anyone you both know. Just like the queen, never explain, never complain.

Get your support only from those who understand, the people who get it, us and support services for now. The problem most of us face is that there is a false assumption in most people, that we are both equally responsible for the success or failure of a relationship, that this is a dispute – when this is simply not the case when there is abuse, it is his behaviour that ends it.

You can get support from family and friends in other ways without really having to go into it, like help with school run, or just time with a friend etc etc, whatever it is you need; I find that people are often unwilling to listen and really hear others – unless they ask the question, only then are they ready to listen. I would only answer those you trust though here; there are the nosey, gossips who also ask questions hey – need to avoid those.

Perhaps if you felt you had one family member’s support to begin with this would help? It’s better when your family can support of course, but it is not essential, my family support didn’t show up fully until a few years down the line; they supported me with practical things but didnt really see where I was coming from or understand for years. It’s better not to put yourself through the frustration and hurt this causes for a while, until you have grown in strength, maybe all you need to do is test the water and if this person is anything less than supportive leave it for a bit?

Would make things easier if he found a new place hey, would leave you free to focus on you and the chidren x

[fizzylem]

Suits him this way huh, can play the victim – ignore it – let him carry on; you cant stop this but you can stop yourself feeling wound up about it by accepting this is him, just what he does and will do, will feel difficult for a while, especially if he runs a smear campaign against you and tries to manipulate others, because sometimes he does have some success here, others not so much, some people like to trust their own expereince of you, the sensible ones, whereas others will take his side simply after listening to him – their choice hey, and foolish, leave these people to get on and do what they’ve got to do as well – you really dont have time or energy for these folks x

[Lisa]

Hi Ladyclarabow,

I just want to welcome you to the forum as I can see you are new and have just started posting.
Already I can see the amazing, insightful support you have been getting from the other women on this forum and it’s great to see. We all understand here that ultimately you need to take action in your own time and figure out what works for you in terms of the relationship but it’s just useful to know you have options. You are not alone.
I hope you continue to post and find this forum helpful.
All the best,

Lisa

[Ladyclarabow]

Thank you for all the information.. Its gave me food for thought.. I know I’m at the beginning of this journey of getting myself back.. But I need to do it for my own sanity.. Its hard to unhook myself from mess all round me.. I’m not there yet but I’m closer than I’ve ever been.. So I hope I’m strong enough to do whats right for me even if I feel like I’m letting the kids down.. Thanks again for your help and support.. I really appreciate it.. Nobody really understands how much it messes up with your head unless you have been there.. X

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