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Hi, I will try to be as short as possible.
I am still in my abusive relationship and have been for years. I did leave once with the help of women’s aid but I was so stupid to comeback and I will never forgive myself for this.The thing is we have a child now together (he didn’t want the child but I refused to get an abortion). My child is literally the only reason what gives me hope to a happier life and who saved my life.
I am at the stage where I want to leave very bad but I am so so so scared. Scared not because the abuser might hurt me, but because my abuser might try to take our child away from me. The thing is he as money (good money) and I don’t. There has been days where he said if I leave he wouldn’t try to contact me or see the child ever (which to be honest made me so happy inside as I would rather be a single parent). But on the other days I keep getting threats that if I leave he will do whatever is in his power to get a full custody and take our child away from this country.
Keep in mind numerous times he said how he does not feel like a father or feel any sort of attachment to the kid, he keeps calling me nasty names because I ruined his life after not getting an abortion and now he has to live knowing he has a child somewhere but he doesn’t feel any attachments to the child.
I’m just so confused of what to do. I don’t know if it was just manipulation or truth when he said he talked to solicitors once, because he was asking me if I ever took pictures of the abuse marks he left me before and showed them to anyone to which I said no at the time. But I didn’t take anything and now I’m regreting it so bad as it would be a good proof of abuse if it came to court.
Also when I left that one time I didn’t have any marks on my body because I ran before he could touch me and hurt me again.Is there ANY way to contact a solicitor free of charge or someone in secret and get an advice? Through email or something because I wouldn’t be able to send any payments to anyone as the abuser might check my bank statements and is checking my phone constantly as he’s paranoid.
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Rights for Women provide free legal advice but you’ll need to be persistent as they are inundated and difficult to get hold of.
Some solicitors will give a free half hour consultation but I didn’t find these helpful as the solicitors I spoke to were reluctant to tell me anything useful for free.
Some solicitors will, apparently, work on a payment plan.
You could also try Citizens Advice who should be able to give you a brief summary of your options and likely outcomes for free.
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Hi, if you Google free 30 min solicitors (DA experienced) in your area it should bring up local solicitors who offer free 30 min consultations, if you are not earning and he is then some solicitors will offer a payment plan or reduced fees which can be taken say if you have to sell your home (if you are homeowners). If you are in receipt of UC you can apply for Legal Aid.
You left him before, you are not stupid for taking him back… we have all done this, be kind to yourself Blueberry field xPersonal circumstances dictate the legal side…
You are welcome to PM me as writing anything legal on here will be removed to keep us safe.
HFH ❤️
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Hi @blueberryfield sorry to hear you are going through this. I felt the same as you – scared to leave for fear that he would take my baby away from me (as he said multiple times I can leave but I can’t take our child or that he’d take me to court for 50/50 etc). Anyway, I say all that to say even with the fear, I left with my baby. It’s still early days, a little over a month now so who knows what’s around the corner or what he’s plotting but I am speaking with a lawyer and essentially these men love to tell you things like they will take the child etc. but it’s mostly so they have a hold on you and try to create fear in you to control you. The fact your partner is telling you he would take your child out of the country you can look to put in a prohibited steps order against him (once you leave) to stop him from taking the child. Make sure you have yours and your child’s documents (passport, birth certificate etc) with you and also take out a non molestation order which will prevent him from coming near you (again, once you leave). You may also be entitled to free legal aid but all of this you can arrange once you leave. The main thing and first step is to leave and take it one step at a time because it is overwhelming and if you think too much about it, you’ll end up staying. Have a rough escape plan in place, where you can go, even if it is to a refuge if you don’t have friends or family, and pack a small bag – nothing too noticeable to him, that will have yours and your child’s documents and some clothes, anything else you can get/purchase when you leave so think of essentials only. Also, speak to friends/family someone you can trust about it so they can help you.
I was always told I am the mother and no one can take your child from you. The courts/and system favour the mother and unless under very special circumstances (there’s proof a mother is unfit to take care of their child) very unlikely that the father would have the child primarily. I’ve been told even 50/50 (when a child is young/baby) is not a stable environment and that is what the courts want to see, stability. Yes the men may have more money but you’ve been the primary carer of your child and that’s what is important. People raise their children on less financially so money is not the be all and end all.
It’s not easy leaving, and even after you leave it’s still a process but it’s worth it. Yours and and your child’s safety is very important. And the FREEDOM, the freedom to breath, to be away from the toxic environment is everything- it’ll feel weird at first, but You can do it, just take it one step at a time. Even in the fear, take it one step at a time to get through it.
Kemi x
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Also, once you leave there’s very little he can do – if he takes you to court even that process takes months, so it gives you breathing room. And by the sounds of things he’s not prepared to look after a child, he’s saying it all to get at you, to spite you and to control you.
I know you say it’s tricky because he tracks your moves/checks your phone. There’s ways around it.
Happy to talk further in PM.
Kemi x
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Please please don’t let the fact you went back to him put you off if going to Women’s Aid again now. They know better than anyone what the statistics are for people going back – these men are manipulative bullies who will say / do anything to get what they want and hook people back in. They’ll help you get away again by telling you what support is in your area and helping you to make a safe exit plan.
Whatever you do, don’t let on you’re thinking of going and cover any tracks well. A good start would be changing passwords and PIN numbers for everything and have s ‘spring clean’ – this will allow you to have essentials you need to take in one place ready to grab, and even sneak an emergency bag out in the guise of charity donations, and to locate important documents that you need to take with you.
Even if you don’t think you know when and how yet, at least if the 💩 hits the fan you’ll be prepared (mine couldn’t believe how quickly I managed to get out what I needed – under ten minutes) because I’d prepared well .
Don’t look at your previous escape as failed, but more of a learning journey.Hugs
GR xx -
@greyrock I agree, don’t feel guilty or let the fact that you went back hold you back.
A bit controversial but I wonder if someone should change their passwords? As much as I don’t want to give these “men” credit, they can be quite clued up and can sense a change. So as hard as it may be, don’t change your password as they will think and ask why you did and suspect you’re hiding something or up to something. Instead there’s various women’s help lines specific to the area you are in, call them (when he’s safely not around) and they will create a file for you, essentially where everything is noted down. Once you leave, they will (with your permission) pass on your info to wherever you move to / and it’ll be useful for when / if you go to court, it’ll be evidence essentially.
Also I’d advise going to the police – with caution I say this because depending on circumstances the police can arrest him without your consent (I.e if there is physical violence / assault) again, scary but they’ll take him away for questioning which lasts for hours – during that time, you pack your things and leave, he won’t know where you’ve gone and you begin making plans to put injunctions etc. in place. While there’s an investigation the police can/will also put a “bail ban” in place meaning he cannot come anywhere near you for however long months+ while the investigation is ongoing.
You can still speak to the police, without raising a charge, just saying you want to document what has been happening. Express your concerns and they will work with you to protect you. Again, they will create a file which you can bring up and use for later.
This all helped me when I was planning to leave. And like Grey Rock said, never tell them you’re leaving or thinking to leave. Not in an argument or anything.
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Thank you so much for your replies, I can’t even explain how much it means and calms my heart!!
First thing tomorrow when he’s gone, I will gather all the documents and hide them somewhere safe and as you say do a “spring clean” (I was thinking of doing it for a long time for the same reason, just never got to it).
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