I want to press charges

[puzzledatlife]

Now…there was no physical violence in our relationship, just a lot of his tons of problems, and his inability to deal with anything multiplied them. Like a miracle of the fish and bread, he would multiply problems, eventually, as you may know because we have been reading each others’ posts, me and my son were abandoned from one day to the next and he took away his child from our home. Returned, did some very crazy things, and disappeared again.
I want to press charges now, on two grounds, and I have contacted some solicitors about this. He has removed his kids from the home we made together, at his own convenience and not allowed any contacts. Kids were really attached and my son is devastated and his child will be devastated too (because child was very, very attached to me); this adds on to the years of medical neglect I witnessed and fought which concerned his kids and other things I saw that were either neglectful or otherwise illegal. I thought when I was with him that he was ‘victim’ of his difficult circumstances, but what he has done to me and my son is not the result of his difficult circumstances. It has been child cruelty plain and simple. I want to pursue this because of one reason: with blended families the kids (and the moms too!!) involved are likely to be particularly vulnerable. Yet this is the least regulated area of family law. “you are nothing to them” “they are nothing to you”; you feed them, bathe them, take them to the dr, are the one to remind of medications, of repeat the prescriptions, of doing their clothes, read the bedtime stories etc etc, all with love and joy, as if were yours, you are the one to make space to adjust your own children, and you are ‘mother’ then. When they are taken away from you you are nothing. They can take everything away from the house, their clothes, including those you gave them, toys or paintings you made together, everything, and you need to shut up and swallow this poison because “you are nothing to them” “they are nothing to you”. Who says that I need to shut up and swallow this poison? Who says that we all need to?
In truth, what would constitute child abduction, a crime punished with imprisonment, is condoned in these cases as “the adult’s right”. What is it that makes what is a crime into a right? It is too big of a gap. The child’s welfare disappears in this legal void. I want to challenge this. I am also considering making claim for the existential damages, but this is another matter over which I need to reflect more carefully because I don’t want revenge. I am interested in your thoughts here. x

[Freedomfighter]

I’m not in your situation, but a friend of mine was. Both her and her daughter both suffered from the sudden separation. He moved abroad with his son out of the blue to take a job without discussing it with my friend. They weren’t married. He was living in her house and my friend did most of the care for the son who was young. Apparently the boys mother was aware and had arranged visiting rights, but my friend didn’t even have an address and couldn’t do anything. She felt very used after. She had given him a home for nearly two years when he was struggling after splitting up with the mother. They don’t seem to have a conscience at all these men. All they think about is themselves.

[puzzledatlife]

I am sure there’s thousands of women and maybe men in our situation now with the blended families. I think is time for things to change. Did your friends press charges? Any lawyer would say don’t do it because you have no legal right but in my experience if you bring a sensitive natter to a court chances are that a judge will listen and set a precedent.

[KIP.]

Pick your battles carefully. Court is expensive confrontational and gives the abuser the chance to continue his abuse. Ask yourself what you want from this. If it’s access to his child then this brings its own problems. A chance for him to continue his abuse and mind games. A link to your abuser. If you are genuinely concerned about the welfare of the child then social service may be able to help. Maybe get the police to do a welfare check. If it’s Financial recompense for his abuse I would say get good legal advice and if there is a chance then take the shirt off his back. That’s not revenge it’s holding him accountable.

[puzzledatlife]

Kip you are right. The issue of access brings the possibility of link. I need to think. However on this basis one is encouraged to act as cruelly as possible so that one tends to leave it. Yes i thought of social services but not about the police. There has to be a way to make small changes.x

[shine bright 2]

Hi,
I have no experience of living as a blended family, but I do have experience of court albeit a crown court. I would agree with KIP that it’s a frightening and intimidating. It can also take forever and be deliberately manipulated by abusers. It’s a very hard thing to say and I don’t meant to sound harsh at all but he has a lot of rights. My ex can still have access to the children if he fights for it and he has beaten in front of them.

I do really understand what u are saying about being a care giver etc but as he has parental responsibility he is in a strong position. You would be amazed the circumstances in which parental responsibility goes above all else.

If you are worried I would agree with getting a welfare check and it will be referred to social services if there is a problem. I don’t want to sound like I’m saying don’t do it..as it’s your choice, but my experience of court, the legal systems and social services were exhausting and overwhelming. I would say think very carefully. You sound like such a committed and good family person, I hope u can find a way.

[puzzledatlife]

I know the lawyers will try to dissuade me from taking legal routes, and shine bright you are right: parental rights go over everything else. But I have learnt in my job that if nobody ever speaks and challenges nobody ever changes. When I had my boy, it used to be the case (still is) that if one of the parents, say typically the dad, decides not to have contacts, or have erratic contacts, it is virtually impossible to guarantee continuity. The adult has a right to have no contact, under English law. The child has no right to have no contact. so Shine Bright even if your kids didn’t want to see their dad afte what they did their dad still has a right to access. I challenged that. I took my ex to court. I wrote about this. I had a partial victory in England but a very big one abroad. A woman contacted me knowing I was working on this case, her ex partner refused to have contacts with the child. Against ALL legal advice she challenged this into court. I supported her; we wrote a piece together, we published it, I did lots of research on the topic and put together an argument that persuaded the judge that existing jurisprudence was wrong. With other things too I have seen that we have presupposition, and the lawyers say “there is no right to this”; but judges can listen, and can change things and set precedents. THey can interpret the rules to accomodate the changes of the time. This is why I want to go ahead in one way or another. The social services are helpless and they are not specialist in that way and whatever I complained about would remain confidential between parents and child. I have already reported my concerns in the past to the social services. They were involved with my ex’s daugher’s half brother (complex – my little girl, his little girl, has a half brother who attempted to take his life and social services removed him from his mother); however, from their point of view the child is either placed with the parents or with social services. People like me ‘do not exist’. It is this emptiness I want to challenge. How many of us take care to then have what have been our kids removed, abducted? Ok parents are always parents, and nobody wishes to deny this; but other meaningful figures are not nothing. I have contacted a legal advice centre and I will keep you posted. It won’t heal me, but knowing at least out of something awful something good may come out gives me some courage and hope. The way I feel now is that nobody, nobody ever adult or child should ever go through what I and these kids went through. Keep telling me what you think please. I treasure everything and even if I go ahead I will listen and consider every single line I read. Thank you xx

[shine bright 2]

You sound very much like you need would what he thinks is the right thing to do. I think you have a vast amount of knowledge. My only experience is testifying in criminal court and how scarey it is, but you sound very strong. What u say makes it sound very much like you think u should do. I’m glad there are people out there who want to fight for change. I have found it incredibly hard to stand out up against injustices in my background…it is inspiring that there are courageous and strong people who an.

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