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I am a good number of years ‘out’ but cannot move forward. Didnt speak to him for years and did the whole refuge and relocating thing but recently have started talking to him again and do you know what it feels good, so good, compliments, flirting, feeling like… well someone again. It got quite intense at the weekend and in all honestly if i wasnt at the other end of the country i would have been there, with him, in his bed.
Gawd i cant believe i am saying all this and feeling like this again. My head is now in a full on battle with itself, its awakened something in me that i really had honestly thought i was completely past but here i am all this way down the line … longing for him i guess?
Euggghhh sorry to all for the tmi, i havent used the forum for the longest of times but didnt know where else to take this……… (really am sat here quite red faced) -
Dear Plainjane, I completely understand where you are at. I am at a very similar place though at the moment it only in my mind i’ve not taken any action. Life is difficult sometimes, its lonely, quiet and the thought of a cuddle, to have human interaction and social contact, this all seems so great. My normal pattern is just to go and get someone else, its quite easy to do with dating websites but i havn’t. I think that you are in the flush of the honeymoon/aka love bombing period. He might have hoovered you back in. The silence is crippling,it can make you feel desperately lonely and reach out to them. Did he hook you back in? Dont forget the n*********s actions: 1. Love Bombing 2. Devaluation 3. Discard 4. Hoover. If he has hooked you back in now, after the honeymoon period where you feel like your walking on air, the subtleties will start to creep in, the subtle critisms and disrespect. Before you know it he will be treating you like rubbish, its the way the cycle works.
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Please be careful.
An abuser will often try to hoover you up again when his supplies are at a low. He’s missing some attention.
Abusers also know exactly the right thing to say to get to you, to make you submit to their advances. They can say the most beautiful and believable things.
But they only want to get you close enough to slap you all over again. To them, the world is one big playground. They are the playground bully. They like to use people and play with them like toys.
You didn’t deserve the abuse then, and you don’t deserve any more now. Xx
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Thanks so much for all of your replies and i really have been telling myself all of this too, but theres definitely a change in him, i was with him a long time but have also been apart from him for a long time, several years in fact.
I havent been able to move on with anyone since him, havent had these sorts of feelings for anyone else, actually the thought of going near anyone has terrified me.
I dont understand how i can be so traumatised from the abuse from him that i cant be near any men, i get so very scared but now im talking to him, i feel these things and dont feel scared at the thought of being with him, yet he was the one who caused the trauma -
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Hey Hun
Ultiamately it is your choice, but soon as i read your post my first instinct b4 i had even got to bottom of your post was warn this lady to keep away. U have to remember this guy knows all your weak spots, he knows exactly what u want to hear, sorry to say but a guy who abuses once cant change , in one form or another the abusiveness will still be in him, i am x yearts out and no matter how many compliments ex gives me or apologizes i just have to keep away, despite him saying when his in a good mood he will wait for me, im glad we are not on talking terms so he cant get close to me.Never let the person that hurt u that bad b4 hurt u again, dont even be friends with him, its just not safe for u .yes it does get lonely when u have no one special, u miss the hugs and even sex , trusting some one is so hard, beelive me ive been trying this year, but that comaprission is always just in your head. YOu say his changed, hun u havent seen this guy for years, please remember how good these guys are at acting or manuiplating us , you are been pulled in again cause of your hormones and cause he knows what u need to hear, u might be comparing to it what it used to be like when u had good times, just keep away, never let the same guy destroy u twice, slowly the red flags will appear, and it maybe even harder to escape second time, why take that risk… i really hope u listen to us , none of us want u to get hurt again, just hearing that his pulling u in again, i hope our strength is strong enough to pull u away. Do u know my ex totally blanks me now and just last time I saw him , i dont know what i wanted but thx god he chose to blank me so i couldnt be pulled in , i think part of us will always love the fake them that they presented to us
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Hi there, it’s not weakness it’s trauma bonding. Try and read as much as you can about trauma bonding in domestic abuse. As humans we crave what is normal to us and perhaps you’re remembering the good parts which is how we cope with the abuse. Our brain tries to forget the bad stuff. The other way I look at it is like a drug habit. You’re craving the high you got from the relationship from the love bombing or ‘grooming’ as I recently heard it referred to. The best way to keep off drugs is to stay away from them. If you feel a craving then distract yourself and cut off all contact. My ex was an expert at mirroring. Whilst you are being nice and welcoming to him, he will reciprocate but wait till you try and distance yourself. If you try to back out again, do,you really want to go through the horror again. Perhaps ring the helpline or speak to women’s aid. Don’t let the cycle of abuse begin again. Mine went on for decades and I won’t go back to that way of life. Try concentrating on other parts of your life. Family, friends, work, hobbies. Life can be great and very fulfilling being single. It sounds like your trying to fill a void with this abusive man. He hasn’t changed. He won’t change. Please don’t go back for more. These men get a huge kick out of abusing women and I bet he’s got a plan already. What if he feels you back in just to cruelty discard you and watch you suffer again? He will stomp all over your heart. You deserve better ❤️
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Hi Plain Jane
I would consider this a relapse on your recovery journey.
You haven’t exactly described what was better?
I think something has gone awry in your self esteem to make you think this after all the hurt and pain he put you through. Have you forgotten?
You say refuge and relocating. No one would go to a refuge unless they were quite desperate. Is being desperate to get away better than were you are now? Did you feel more safe and secure when you were with him inspite of his abuse? I know I feel safer without someone calling me names and threatening me on a daily basis.
What steps have you taken to help your recovery? Maybe you need to revisit those steps. Going back to the Freedom Programme. Re-reading books on abuse. Going back to women’s support group. Going back to specialist domestic abuse/violence counselling. Taking up courses on self esteem and assertiveness. go back to your recovery plan and look at relapse prevention. You sound lonely. The key to loneliness is to try to develop enough self esteem and confidence to go out in your community and meet new people (not men just people women, children and professionals)
All it is, is that he’s knows which button to press, which trigger points to put pressure on.
What aspect of your life can you not move on with? Flirting is cheap. Anyone can flirt with you. I date men. I’m not in any relationship but I have taken up dating to see how I can relate to men as a whole and realize that not all men are like my abusive ex. I’ve has hundreds of men flirt with me but I know their talk/texts/words is/are cheap.
Talk is cheap. Actions speak louder than words. If he has changed and is so great, why isn’t he in another great relationship instead of trying to lure another woman on the other side of the country? That does not make sense at all.
Do you know of co-dependency and trauma bonding? It’s almost better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know. However if the devil is literally trying to destroy you, it might be better to steer clear of all devils.
Why the giant need to move on with anyone else? The bigger need is to be happy by yourself without some other person being tied to your self esteem.
How did you make contact with him? I suggest cutting off all that contact again. Stop talking to him, he’s just reeling you in before he whips you out of the safety of the ocean and into his frying pan! Change and block social media, apps etc and change and block your phone number and email.
He is a poison snake. slippery smooth handsome and deathly dangerous!
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Dear Plain Jane, sometimes life is mundane, difficult, stressful and empty (sorry to start off sounding so negative). I noticed what you wrote about the massive high that you got last weekend from the contact. When you have got the stresses, strains and challenges of everyday life, and then all of a sudden you are receiving texts telling you that your sexy, desireable and basically showing you lots of attention. You may not have had such texts or messages for some time. These messages are laden with feel good vibes and huge pick-me-ups. They seem to awaken something in you, I guess it is the desire for some excitement, basically life is difficult and not great for a lot of people. A lot of women seem to want the knight in shining Armour to rescue them. All of a sudden you are being shown greatness from this contact that you are now having. What you have said so much reminds me of my own love bombing period and the period that I have read about in all of the abuse books (I have some fantastic resources, I will send you the details in a private message). It has just struck me that when we are finding day to day life tough, at least it is our individual tough and not ‘abuse tough or man tough’, we are in control of our life with all of its pluses & minuses, this is a much better position than when we were controlled and had no say. When I met my ex all of a sudden I had met someone who made me feel amazing, I received endless messages of attention, telling me how beautiful and wonderful that i was. The sex was basically out of this world and I felt that finally after years of searching I had found a companion that I could spend the rest of my life with. After the initial love bombing when he got me emotionally invested he subtly messed with my mental well being until in the end he nigh on destroyed me. I think he might have been a con-man who targeted me for unscrupulous purposes. I think it might help you to think about your ex and your cravings as a drug, visualize the drug and put it away in a box somewhere. Perhaps view it as one of your vices in life that you are going to forever keen an eye on, some people have difficulty managing alcohol, drugs or food, we could look at these feelings (I feel the same as you do but havn’t acted on it) as a vice/drug in our life that we have to pay attention to. Only this past week I have had fond thoughts about my ex & it crossed my mind to contact him. With this recent contact that you are having, once your ex has ‘got you’again either your heart and affections or you in person when you visit him, he will then start the devaluation. It is a cross between the thrill of the chase for them combined with the powerful feelings he gets when women want him. I am sure that he is really loving what is going on now, loving how powerful that he feels.
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Thanks all for you kind replies.
To be clear i havent got a desperate need to be with anyone else, as i said i hadnt thought about or wanted this with anyone else, the thought of that terrified me. It was talking to him that started it, i certainly never went looking for it from him or anyone. I guess i wasnt clear in what i have written, not always the best at explaining things.
Actually as i also tried to explain not very well, what has confused me is how i am so traumatised from what he did to the point i dont go near any men but then didnt feel scared of him when thats meant to be the cause of the trauma, eurrghh things are so jumbled.
And for the record i havent gone anywhere near him, its just been talk and i did halt it at the point that was being suggested. -
Because there words, the tone used, the timing and just the right amount of attention and coolness are powerful to our vulnerable minds, when you have had an abusive and controlling relationship. This abuse and trauma bonding, its really difficult to understand. Today I thought about other men that I have known in the past, men I have been intimate with and in serious relationships with. I had NONE of this obsessive thinking, yearning, wishing and huge painful holes of emptiness in my soul. We would split up, feel sad for a while and then move on. With the ex abuser it seems to be hugely different. As though you are missing the greatest thing on earth. Quite honestly, my ex was of average appearance, slightly below average intelligence, not great company and mean, there is no logical reason for me to have suffered so much post split. The abuse holds the key.
Do have a look at the resources that I told you about in my private message they really did help me to understand the psychology around all of this. I have recently taken steps to change all of my contact details. I did this because I was worried that I was still under his control, the power of the silent treatment. I was worried how I would cope if he contacted me. By doing this I have closed a lot of doors and I feel better and stronger, though felt sad at first.
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I get what you’re all saying it’s because they just pull on the charm they know exactly what gets us every time! That’s why I completely had to go no contact because I would just think honestly he’s trying his best and he blamed me for everything and made me believe it was all my fault! I remember at one point I sat my family down and I said I’m going back to him I’m going to make my marriage work. They all had faces on with shock horror. One of my family members took my mum for a drive to this day I don’t know what was said but all I remember is there was a blur and somehow I changed my mind. If I had followed that through I would be shipped across the country completely away from everyone I knew he would have punished me for leaving and he would have followed through with his ‘Ill make sure you will never see your daughter again’. I saved my own life a lot of stuff was revealed after I left him as my parents were afraid I would confront him and he would then make things worse for me. They were terrified they didn’t know what he was doing to me and they knew I was in a bad situation but they couldn’t just be straight up and say this to me and when I sat there saying I’m going back to him that wasn’t even me speaking I had become his muppet! Even through the divorce he got me thinking about changing my mind I don’t know how he does it! These men see so dangerous, calculating and manipulative it’s beyond belief! I am so glad I didn’t follow that through I know I’ve actually saved my own life. I would have been dead in a couple of years my own family didn’t even know where I lived it was so dangerous! Listen to me ladies we are only human in wanting to speak to them even if it’s one time we shared the intimacy of a relationship with them it isn’t a weakness we are human. Don’t be too hard on yourself but instead of contacting him when you think you will have a close friend on speed dial. Ring that person say whatever it is you want to say and leave it there. That should hopefully help you in not making that move he so desperately wants. My husband tried it! He used the most vile emotional black mail possible and displayed around 5 different personalities. Only difference now is I knew it was all an act, I found it terrifying I was so close to someone so psychotic and I had the strength snd willpower to ignore and not reply even when I wanted to tell him exactly what he is. I knew the only way I can win with this man is to be silent and to stick to my decision to divorce him! X
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