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For the first time in decades I’ve rediscovered the woman I was pre abuse. She is coming back more and more as are the memories I have of a young fun loving confident woman who had friends and laughed till the tears rolled. I wonder how many of us have buried that fun loving woman. Having fun and showing happiness was a real trigger for my ex to shut me down. Well he can’t shut me down anymore and I wish everyone on their journey to take a moment to remember the woman you once were. She’s still there. Go find her 🤗
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Oh this title made me laugh thank you!!😂
You go girl, continue having fun 👍Yes my fun side is definitely buried but just under the surface. I feel this bubbly fun side of me is dangerous because attracting men and I am unsure how to defend myself other than not showing who I am.
I guess I need to feel safe to laugh and be fun with others. A couple of days ago, two men sat down next to me in public transport and were joking with each other and I couldn’t help but giggle but unfortunately it attracted their attention which I didn’t want. They checked my fingers and didn’t see a ring and mentioned it and said to each other maybe you should ask her out, she isn’t married. Normally I am confident enough to reply with wit but instead I froze and thought how outdated this two men are to assume I would be interested just because I am single. My mind spiraled down into dark thoughts and when they got off at their stop one of them said to me I hope we didn’t offend you, we were only joking and wished me a nice day. This put me at ease and I agreed and told him we must have fun in life.
That said with my next income, I’ll buy a new ring 😉I am pleased you are allowing your fun self to resurface, enjoy it darling 💕
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It’s great to read you’re now able to access the fun you KIP, it’s been one hell of a long recovery for you and you’ve put in the hours for sure to get here, but it also really saddens me that this is after decades; I haven’t been able to access the relaxed, fun, loving life me for a decade now myself. Meeting an abuser robs so much of life, it seems to take years to get free, get life back, years after it ends and if you have children together it’s made all the more difficult to achieve.
In an ideal world there should be more protections available and help to get back on your feet. I’d like this soloman type ruling in the courts to come to an end for a start, for it to be recognised that one fully functioning mother is what the child needs first and foremost – if he can’t support the mother in a healthy way then he can’t be a good enough father to his child and the child is better off without him.
Can relate in that he used to squash this in me also, would shame or shout at me for being silly, never appreciated my light, daft side – so I stopped, then after a while I accepted we could never be goofy partners, that we had v different humour – and I noticed how I missed this part of me when with him. You kind of need another to bring it out of you hey. I can laugh at myself sometimes but it’s not like sharing a laugh with someone else is it and as yet I’m not able to be fun or even be with friends that much either.
My child brings it out in me sometimes, but it no longer comes naturally, it’s me ‘trying’ for her only, I’d love for me to be fun again for us both – it’s been too long and it will have an effect on how she remembers me in life and long after I am gone.
After we split I remember him saying to me once that we did have some laughs though didn’t we – I was quite struck by this as I can honestly say this was ‘never’ my experience, then when I thought about this I could see that this probably came from his need to want to believe he is funny and can make others laugh, we were permitted to laugh at his humour only, and I would humour him with this pleasure, which does make me chuckle now. He never knew I never found him not funny – which I guess we do to keep the peace hey, keep things calm and smooth.
I don’t think it’s him and how he shamed my silliness though, it’s because life got heavy afterwards, it’s a long, hard struggle trying to get a ‘normal’ life back that’s done it, living with the hardship and problems he created/still sometimes creates. Some of my friends would probably say she doesn’t help herself, there are people worse off in the world, choose happiness etc; and I do see the value in having a healthy, positive mindset yes, but this is on top of a normal life – when you have a safe home, health and enough money for what you need – which none of these friends who ‘choose happiness’ have a concern in the world for because they have all these things in place.
I’ve had glimmers KIP, and I’m pretty sure I’ll get there – but still to this day feel that life could sink me at any moment, can see I am vulnerble and feel this, but can also see this is just part of life; guess it’s about getting out and far enough to begin again – just takes a while for all of us to get to that place in time, need to tick the home and work box first. Just got to keep chipping away haven’t we, rest when this is needed and always give the self what it needs – work towards being able to smell the coffee once again.
Enjoy the smell of your coffee KIP, it’s been one hell of a slog to get here x
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💃 remember the days we danced to music in the kitchen. Danced like no one was watching. The days we belly laughed till we cried. Abuse strips us of the very basics. When love and laughter are taken from us it’s often replaced by depression. Depression doesn’t want us to get better. Depression is a black hole. Depression is going from one unhappy event to the next. Living in black and white.
Now I go from one happy experience to the next. The world is bright colours, the good days far outweigh the bad days. Yes I have triggers and insecurities but each day of freedom is a gift. Keep going ladies……… I was once so broken I couldn’t leave my home. It’s my life now x -
Fabulous KIP!! That really made me smile. I’m rediscovering my love of music and been dancing round the house this evening 🎧 when he was here I played music loud to drown him out and change the words of the songs to be about him and sing them very loudly whilst he was upstairs(not in a nice way – remember Spacer by Sheila B Devotion? I changed the words to “he’s a w*****nker, a woman chaser” I still sing those words to it 😂 glad to hear you’re doing well honey XX
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I love this post.
The fire I used to have is slowly coming back but the fun me I remember is not quite there yet
I used to dance like no one was watching but at the moment part of me still wants to be invisible so I don’t get screamed at. I’ll keep working on that though.
Love hearing how far you have come xx
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Periodically I pop back in here,everytime I do log on I always find your posts @kip inspiring. I’m 6 months out and yes, things are nowhere near resolved financially (that’s another topic that boils my water) but emotionally I’m slowly getting there. Your post hit true, I definitely feel he has taken something away from me but I see the old me may return one day. Onwards and upwards and thanks again @kip & ladies.
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I think it’s really important that we stop and acknowledge how far we have come on the journey, how strong we are to get this far. The positive things in our life that come from being away from abuse. We get overwhelmed by fear and negativity when dealing with the relentless delusional nonsense of an abuser, we forget we can have the upper hand if we don’t give in to their fear tactics. I once read that surviving domestic abuse makes us the strongest women on the planet. We have an inner strength we used to survive and we can use that again to defeat our abusers once we disentangle ourselves from the trauma bond and feelings that come with that. It’s a great feeling when the playing field is even x when you’re not held back by feelings of guilt, fear and obligation x
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A really positive post!
We never believed it when we first came on here that there was life after abuse, we thought that all those who had been free longer were wrong, there was no way it would get easier. But they were right!
Someone shared photos of me recently that were taken at a public event, I actually looked happy! I was laughing. My friend commented she’d thought that part of me had gone for good and was so happy that I seemed happy, I told her I don’t just seem happy, I am happy. -
Hi White Rose, you’re right. When I first came on here I felt my life was over. I couldn’t see a future. I was totally lost and nothing anyone could say would make me think differently. Then very very slowly, the brain chatter and obsessive thinking slowed down. I managed a few hours sleep, I went from having him in my head 24/7 to maybe having a couple of hours that I didnt think about him, then eventually I would go a whole day without thinking about him. That took a very long time. Then the feelings of happiness returned but also came an overwhelming fear of being happy. Because when I showed happiness, the rug was pulled from underneath me. So all those mixed up emotions had to sort themselves out. It’s been a hard slog but I have learned so much from my journey and I know I still have some way to go but there is hope, there is fun, there is purpose, there is a good life. And we dont need anyone’s approval or validation x
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That is a true beauty in what can be a bleakness. Well done, stay strong and be you – be amazing. The world is currently coming out of blackness to grey for me and I find I have strength to calmly say “no, that isn’t right” when there is a lashing out from him or others he has seemingly recruiting (his relatives) and guided teen to do the same verbally,
But I know that I have dreams and a beauty in my heart that will once again see the worlld.I wish you so well and hope that your contentment journey continues.
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This is so true. I have a fab doctor who has persuaded me to take antidepressants and my thinking is so clear now, I had not realised how much brain fog and cognitive dissonance cluttered my mind. I have started to daydream again, after years of tenterhooks and anxieties. Any laughter or humour from me was always met with a scowl, like a bucket of water. Even the children’s birthday parties and family events were ruined as if it was morally suspect to have fun. I am feeling very ashamed that I have stuck this for so long, it’s a question professional people ask me when I tell them. It’s so hard to explain the control mechanism at play. Very few really understand how coercive control works. Reading Kips entry on refinding her happiness keeps me going, as I am very anxious about the future. It’s hard to shake off so many decades of being told I could not survive without him. That’s engrained to DNA in me now.
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You know KIP it does take time to feel like this again and it’s a massive step in healing😘I am pleased for you because it’s so deserving you’ve helped a lot off people on your journey. I was celebrating haloween the other night and I found myself belly laughing in the company I was in. I was asked how do you know the person who was hosting the party and I said through women’s aid xx I feel so comfortable and my shame was just not there. I embarrassingly found my self snorting with laughter xxxx good feeling to be back I’m glad you are xxxx love diymun xxxx ♥️
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