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Hi all,
So I been reading and watching things online now for a while since realising that my relationship could be abusive. And have just started counselling sessions to help my clear my mind. The first thing the councillor said to me was; you want clarity, I am telling you right now that this is abuse. And yet I seem to have gone backwards and am in total denial, believing that its me. I see myself doing the things that he does to me, I am so angry when he tries his games that we shout and shout.
I wanted to ask your opinions on a recent situation, if you please?
I went shopping and (detail removed by moderator) (I am in my overdraft and he said he couldn’t afford to buy any food, so I did what I could). This resulted in a massive argument and he left for to work away for a while without saying a word to me.
A bit of time passed and I messaged saying how I wish we could just get on and have the happy life we both want, but I will not be made to feel bad or like I’ve done something wrong all of the time. It didn’t go down well and he continued to blame me so I left it at that. More time passed and he text me to say (detail removed by moderator), this pulled on my heartstrings and I tried to get him to talk to me about it, he kept on being abrupt with his replies or not replying which I thought was strange, then all of a sudden that conversation went back to (detail removed by moderator).
I told him about a time not so long ago where i skipped work and spent the whole night crying and having suicidal thoughts which resulted in me calling the Samaritans and WA. His response floored me… He said (detail removed by moderator)
Straight back to him and his needs and wants! (Detail removed by moderator).
Am I being heartless or does this seem like a manipulation tactic?
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Definitely abuse. Abusers are so good at making us turn things round and make them our fault, or making us believe that the things we do are as bad as the things they do. Honestly, none of us are our best selves when we are being abused. I had a much shorter temper when I was being abused. I flared up when he did horrible things to me and argued, and once even threw a cushion. He convinced me that make me as bad as he was. But he was pushing me and pushing me until I reacted. He had thrown dozens of things at me, me throwing one thing back made me an abuser too. And I cried all the time, it was a continual struggle not to self harm – and he told me this was emotional blackmail. Of course it wasn’t emotional blackmail. It was a natural response to being systematically abused by my partner. Once I was out, and had been in recovery for a while, e discovered that I am not a person who cries all the time, I am not an angry person. I am in a new relationship with someone who isn’t abusive and the way I act towards him is completely different. This isn’t because I have changed, it’s just because my partner isn’t abusive, and when I am not under the shadow of abuse I am a completely different person.
Believe your therapist. Believe us. Believe yourself. It’s abuse. You need to get out of the situation you are in at the moment, and away from the gaslighting your partner is doing to make you doubt your reality. If you haven’t spoken to women’s aid yet, I would start there, as they can help you work out a plan to move forward.
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id say hes using emotional black mail to guilt trip you for sure. the thing is with abusive men its abit like dealing with a very spoiled 5 year old grown up (emotionally) he doent have the depth of character to realise this isnt just about him and his needs. they dont understand that and unfortunately it is impossible to change these men and their behaviours – it is impossible to have a mutual respectful relationship when abuse is at play xxxx
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