I was told today it isn't right time for me

[Woollymammal]

Hi All,

I was told today because I’ve got trauma on top of trauma I need to feel okay about the other things before it is rigjt for me to leave..Obviously that’s why I keep coming nack, not to him but to home..
Being miles away when my daughter was killed has impacted on me leaving the abusive husband.. She being a DA counsellor said when ive sorted out being away from my girls, not far away I’ll be able to put everything else in place..She said I haven’t got to that absolute I’ve had enough and I’m going right now stage and not coming back..
Have you ladies who’ve left experienced that stage to have left and not gone back?

X*x

[KIP.]

I’m not sure any time is the right time but I do know how difficult it is to make that break While you are with him and being abused, you’re not going to heal as his abuse keeps you in the fog. A compromise might be for him to move out on a temporary basis and see how you feel. I bet when he’s gone you won’t miss him at all. I think you’ve probably grieved for your relationship already. I do remember that ‘I’ve had enough stage’ though when I told him I wanted a divorce and didn’t back down like I always had before. That’s when he really lost the plot.

[Woollymammal]

Hi Kip thank you for your replying, and I think your right as I still want to go.. I think I need to plan more so I haven’t got my daughters things to take too..
Your so right about the fog as that’s how my brain feels, this morning he said ” do i live him” I always say yes, as it woukd create mayhem if I didn’t, he said I never say it too him anymore.. I said I say I love you when you say it too me..
I don’t love him at all…
I think I get overwhelmed with what I have to take with me as it makes me I’ll with my back problems..
Can’t thank you enough for all your advice..

Hugs
X*x

[Iwantmeback]

My oh asks if I still love him to which I say no I longer do, to which he will say something like I know you still love me deep down. They still try to tell you what’s real and not, even when you do leave, no contact is always best policy but sometimes it’s not possible. There is no right time to leave,only the moment when enough is enough and even then it’s still not easy. I think you’ll be able to grieve fir your daughter once you are away from the toxic behaviour too. We have to get off the merry go round, but when it’s still turning, it’s very scary.
I reached my point of no return, packed the car and left. I had no intention of seeing him again but circumstances stepped in. I’m having as little to do with him as possible until the day comes that I move away. Until then I’ll do what I have to, to keep the peace. I know deep down that I’m not going back to him, he insists that I still love him even though I must tell him 10x a week that I don’t. It’s exhausting but until my circumstances change, I’ll deal with it. I am so much stronger now emotionally, I just don’t let him get to me the same anymore. We are behind you 100% Woolly, your day will come.
IWMB 💞💞

[Woollymammal]

Hi IWMB,

Thank you for your reply, I know your right as I still feel I want to leave, it’s all about him as usual and I’m not showing enough affection to him, in fact it makes me cringe when he kisses me..
Your OH doesn’t want to admit to himself that it’s done, so he’s still trying to control even the words that you speak..
I’m so pleased you are happy in your freedom and you are gaining strength..
Thank you for your support..
Hugs
X*x

[Newbeginnings1234]

I got to that stage, but it took a long time. I first called the helpline and then told my friend what was going on a couple of months before I left (it took years for me to do that). They tried to convince me to leave but I wouldn’t as I didn’t feel ready. But eventually it just felt like I was living with a stranger, and he went away for a couple of weeks which made me realise how life could be without him (and how much I was dreading him coming back), so I made a plan to leave the next time he went away. I thought about leaving for over a year before I actually felt ready to do it, and I kept constantly changing my mind, but eventually I’d just had enough. After I left he kept trying to contact me but I never replied to any of his calls or messages, he actually pushed me further away by constantly messaging me. I think if I’d been pushed into leaving before that point then I might have gone back though x

[diymum@1]

I definitely got to a point where I just couldn’t do it anymore. I knew I couldn’t take it literally. I saved my self and I honestly felt there were no other choices left. I was desperate it was like my heels dug in and although I had faltered many times on leaving him I’d say five times I went back xx this time was different I just couldn’t XX it’s like saturation point x you’ll get there much love diymum

[Woollymammal]

Hi Newbeginnings1234 and diymum, it seems it’s different for everyone when they leave..
I couldn’t afford to stay here and also he’d know where I am so he woukdnt leave me alone, like before..
I’m going to keep and looking, and I’m speaking to a lady at WA about a refuge.. Not decided on either yet, just going to plod along and sort a few things to sort out of my angel daughter’s, so it’s not as much to take when I go..
To be quite honest if I had enough money I could just put my dogs leads on and grab the cat and walk out the door.. but I want my personal things at least..

Hugs to you all.. x*x

[fizzylem]

Yes me too, I just couldn’t take it anymore, had to throw him out, as the house belonged to my family he knew he had to go. Can’t you get him to leave W?

You need your home and security and yet also need to remove yourself from the abuse – it’s a tough place to be for sure.

Like you say, maybe you need trauma therapy to help you feel a little stronger before ending it – seems to make sense – providing you are not at risk of any violence x

[Woollymammal]

Hi Fizzylem,
I did that at my previous house, he stayed at his mom’s around the corner.. he never left me alone.. ended up moving to this house as no one believed me and couldn’t get help to pay rent as it was a 3 bed..
I can’t have my physchology therapy about ptsd with my daughter being killed until I leave abusive relationship as I can’t cry or be angry, not allowed too…
I used to stand up to him and had violence and threats and emotional.. now I’m just a yes person and emotional abuse is worse.. haven’t got the energy to be strong anymore either..

Hugs x*x

[fizzylem]

Woolly, you ever been to the police just to ask for advice? You can you know, you dont need to make a statement, only once you make a statement is it a formal complaint. Doing this will not start a runaway process. I think it might help; it did me, one police officer was a bit rubbish, but the second time I went the officer was great. Is there anyone who could go with you? I took my support worker from the local WA charity – really did help x

[Tiffany]

Just a thought, could you hire a storage space (I’ve done it before when moving house, and it wasn’t that expensive). You could gradually move your important and sentimental items into the storage space and then when you left you could retrieve them. You could tell your partner that you were doing a clear out and had put all the stuff to the charity shop.

I can totally identify with not wanting to lose all your stuff. I wasn’t dealing with nearly as much trauma as you, but walking away from your entire life is hard enough without leaving all your possessions too. I was lucky in that I persuaded my abuser that I needed to be close to work during the week, so rented myself a room where I stayed on work nights. Once I had decided that I needed to end things I gradually moved all the things I couldn’t bear to lose to my other flat whose address I had had the foresight to keep secret. So when it came to end things he still had a bunch of my possessions, but nothing that was irreplaceable. My parents actually managed to get in and get almost all of the rest of it out, because he was still trying to lovebomb me, but I knew that he might go mental and destroy everything I had left. So knowing I had all my truly precious things out made ending the relationship much easier.

There won’t ever be an ideal time to leave, but if there are any steps you can put in place to make it easier then do them, then try again.

[Woollymammal]

Hi sorry for the late response, I did log it at the police station 2 yrs ago when I found out it was Domestic abuse.. they were going to arrest him.. I had to beg them not to as I wasn’t ready for that then . I’ve had enough dealings with the police when my daughter was killed…
I did have a lot of things I had slowly bought for the flat I moved to the other week and Came bk after a couple of hours.. luckily I might be able to store that stuff in an extra room they weren’t using, so hopefully I can add to it..
Thank you all for your responses, it really helps..
Hugs x*x

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