I wasn’t well enough to be what he wanted

[Salamander]

Hi,

I’m so heartbroken and devastated.
Myself and my 2 teenage children have been victims of a sustained campaign of psychological, physical and financial abuse since my husband arrived here in the UK.

My daughter has special needs and is vulnerable. He has repeatedly bullied, berated and shouted at her and called her abusive, profane and derogatory names. My daughter has never given him a cause to do this to her. She’s never answered back and she’s shy and timid.

He has also called my son fat and made hurtful comments about his appearance. (detail removed by moderator)

My husband has consistently weaponised my children in order to control me. He has frequent outbursts of extreme anger and rage and has been putting a lot of pressure on me to have more children with him. I had multiple pregnancy losses with him.

He blamed me for my miscarriages (detail removed by moderator)

He made a malicious call to the police and I was released with no further action. I was terrified and having panic attacks. This caused irreparable emotional damage and trauma to me and both of my children.

I now realise that I have been targeted in order to gain entry into the UK and that I am a victim of a cruel and sustained campaign of abuse.

I am so sad. I tried to reason with him to help him understand cultural differences and compromise with him. He isn’t the man I met. He made me so depressed I was suicidal at one point. I’d never want to die so I self harmed instead. I have never self harmed in my life – I’m so ashamed.

No one liked him. Everyone thought he was hostile and bad with social norms and boundaries. He was generally annoying and rambunctious with everyone and very quick tempered with me. I was always so mindful not to trigger him in front of others and tried my best to hide the abuse. I pretended everything was ok and I protected him and his reputation. I got him a good job in the UK despite not having professional qualifications – I really tried to help him.

I think maybe he did love me but regretted marrying a woman with children who then had multiple miscarriages. We didn’t try as often as we should to have babies due to me not wanting to be intimate with him. I was so upset and down. I didn’t like the way he spoke to my children. I defended them and threatened him with the law so he reduced the name calling towards my children but he was constantly abusive towards me every day.

I feel sad how he made up a story to the police and put an act on. I wasn’t anywhere near him, I didn’t hurt him. I was at home crying when he called the police.

How can he not care about what this has done to my children and me? Why doesn’t he care that I was terrified in a cell in isolation for so long? I can’t sleep or eat. I’m having nightmares – he’s not even sorry.

I’m now starting to realise what’s happened. He hated me.

He’s mental. My children are better off without him and so am I. Why do I feel such sadness and grief?

(detail removed by moderator)

I reluctantly emailed the Home Office. I reluctantly applied for a divorce online. I am devastated I’ve done this. I made a promise to marry for life. He hasn’t given me any choice.

I will never get over this. I despised him as a person. I didn’t even want to be intimate because he hurt me. But I still love him and I’m so sad.

(detail removed by moderator) I have slowly deteriorated in my ability to function and do normal everyday tasks so I’ve been neglecting myself. I have still fought to make sure my children have what they need – this takes all my energy. This used to enrage him. He said I was a bad wife and didn’t have time for him. The truth is, he turned me into a walking zombie. I was constantly scared he’d lose his temper and I began to withdraw and found it hard to do anything. I feel guilty and keep telling myself I should’ve tried harder and been more motivated to take care of him and the house. I’ve been that unwell and so extremely depressed that I found it impossible. He told me I was a liar and continued shouting and screaming at me every day and putting me and my children down.

[Allornothing]

Hi Salamander,

That sounds awful and I am sorry you are being made to feel like that. I don’t have much advice but I do hope that you are pursuing with the Home Office and applying for a divorce. I don’t know much about entering the country due to a marriage and I feel it would be wrong for me to comment as I don’t know the background, but I certainly do hope that the support your require is out there? Hopefully someone here will be able to advise better than me but I just wanted to post to say stay strong. xx

[spiritedaway]

Hi Salamander
this sounds so terrible and we’re glad you’re here to share the pain you are feeling.
I think you need to hear that this isn’t your fault and making the hard choices you have are not failing. His behaviour has meant you have had to made decisions you never expected to have to. You never chose to be treated this way so please don’t be so hard on yourself x

[Author]

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