I went back.

[TrappedButterfly]

I’m so stupid, what will it take for me to realise. I feel like I’ve wasted peoples time asking for advice and not taking note 😞

I had been strong for so long but his nice side won me over and part of me was like yes, let’s try and make this work for our little one. Maybe I am part of the problem.

Being back in the marital home has now brought it all back. He is definitely sensing that I am now struggling to love him.

What makes it so much harder is that he keeps asking me for sex and I just can’t. It’s already turned into a little argument because I snapped at him. I had already said no a number of times and it got to me. He went on to say that I am always so snappy and that I am the one that causes him to snap back and rage.

I can’t do this. I know I’ve made a huge mistake. He will never change. I will always be living with fear if I stay.

I feel so stuck. I now have the agonising dilemma of thinking how do I end this?

The last time I found strength to leave after hearing my little one cry her eyes out when he crossed the line. This time I can see the love she has for him, which breaks my heart. She’s still too young to understand what’s going on.

[Hereforhelp]

Trappedbutterfly, hey lovely you are not stupid. It takes, on average, 7 times to leave an abusive partner and that’s because it is so hard to leave them.

You haven’t done anything wrong, you know he is abusive and he will continue to be. He has already started by pestering you for sex. You absolutely haven’t wasted anyone’s time on this forum as non of us judge (it took me 3 times to leave mine, a close family friend supported me the 1st time mine left and when I had him back I lost her and it was an awful feeling of betrayal, she believed what my husband showed her (what a great guy he is and how I am mentally ill as i am on antidepressants)

Do you have a DA advisor, a GP or any support in place? Have you done the Freedom Programme? Could you contact Womans Aid?

My children are young teens. Both my children have developed mental health problems due to the DA, yes they love their dad but they live with conflicting emotions of I love dad to I hate dad as he did XYZ. What I am trying to say is, your child has already witnessed something (when you say he crossed the line) and will be picking up emotions. My ex doesn’t talk to me whatsoever (i have to remain greyrock as he still gets in my head if i see him and i am terrified of being drawn back in as i am not strong enough yet), he will contact our children (our youngest is the one he focuses on as our youngest is very needy of his dad and has a long term health condition).

Keep posting trappedbutterfly, the support is here and without judgement ❤ I want to give you a big hug as I can hear how upset you are, please do not give yourself a hard time, it can take lots of attempts to leave

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you so much Hereforhelp. This is what I am scared of, people finding out I’m back and doing the same. I’ve already had someone accuse me of playing the victim. “It can’t be that bad if I’m back”

I contacted someone from the local DA support group when I started to wobble when I was out. She said she had put my name down for the freedom programme but I never heard back. Now I am in a different area so maybe I need to phone again. My GP is also aware of the situation but they are yet to know that I am back.

It must be so heartbreaking seeing how your children have been affected by his behaviour. I really need to find that strength to realise again that my little one is better off out of this environment. In the meantime I will lean here for support. I will be able to leave again, I have to. I’ve done it a number of times now and even if it’s hard to see, I am slowly getting a little stronger each time I do. I just didn’t expect it to happen this time.

Thank you so much once again. You have reassured me so much ❤️ xx

[Hazlenut]

Hey Trappedbutterfly, Hereforhelp is right. You are not stupid. I left three times and tried to leave many more times over a number of years and each time I got drawn back in with his words.
Think of the momentum starting to build again, as it will, and you will be free exactly when the time is right. In the meantime, write things down. Keep.a log of facts. I wish I had.
Keep going x

[TrappedButterfly]

Thanks Hazelnut. You are so right. And thanks for reminding me to do this. I didn’t do this for a while and convinced myself that things were all good or I was to blame. When we were apart he was like “why don’t you ring me rather than text. Texts can be misinterpreted”. But when we did speak via phone that’s when he would try and convince me that I said something that I didn’t. I did learn a lot being apart. I’m stronger this time even if I don’t feel it right now. I just need to find the right time and hopefully leave for good! Xx

[Ariadne]

Hi @TrappedButterfly,

Please do not judge yourself. I often struggle with the pull, and I have felt like maybe I’m just tiring everyone around me with this dynamic, with asking advice or just sharing. In the end, that’s the process! That’s the cycle of change that someone else has posted in this forum (sorry for I don’t remember who atm).
Don’t think of going back as a regression, or like being back at square one. It’s more like a spiral, and with each time you find yourself back in that sort of situation, back in that dynamic, you are one level up. You have a lot more information now, you can recognise the good and the bad more easily, and you are growing.
We’ll be here for you!

Take care of yourself.

[TrappedButterfly]

Aww thank you so much Ariadne. The spiral analogy makes total sense. What a better way to look at it. It has given me hope and makes me feel so much better about it all. Xx

[nbumblebee]

You tried you took that courage and bravery and you tried how amazing were you sweetie amazing.
Do not judge yourself so harshly what these men do to us is incredably complex and pants and takes years and years to understand i guess.
Now you have done it once you can and i think you will try again and again and again until one day it will stick and you will leave for good. Have faith in yourself never ever stop believeing in yourself you can do it.
Rest up, find that inner strength again that self belief again and when you feel strong enough when the time ia right when all your ducks are in a row it will happen again.
Just keep believing. Stay safe sweetie xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Aww thank you so much for your comforting and encouraging words nbumblebee. It’s heartbreaking that we are all here but it’s people like you who make this whole process that little bit easier. Thank you. Xx

[gettingtired]

I couldn’t agree more with what everyone else has said above. Try to see it not as a failure, but as one step forward towards breaking the cycle for good xx

[TrappedButterfly]

Thank you gettingtired. I am so glad I posted. It’s really helped me loads. I just hope I can break this cycle sooner rather than later. Xx

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