I went back like an idiot now I’m even more broken than before. Need support x

[xxx22]

Hey, Hope everybody has been okay. I haven’t been on here for a few weeks as I was finding things really over whelming to deal with plus I found out than the counselling was going to be a 14 week wait and I just shut off for a while.

I was in such a better headspace. Some of you spoke to me after I had left and he was trying to send gifts to my house and letters, making fake accounts on instagram just to speak to me.. and for a while I was feeling better. I felt like my anti depressants had finally started working and I was in a better place mentally.

Then (detail removed by Moderator) happened… this may be a very long message I write so I apologise. But he turned up at my house with such an amazing gift that he remembered I always wanted. Plus he bought a present for my friends baby as hes due to be born soon and my finances have been so low since being made redundant so he said he got it for me to give. I wasn’t even angry that he turned up, my housemate said how sweet it was and it didn’t seem like before.

I know I shouldn’t have let him in but he kept saying he had been working on things for the last couple of months and he didn’t want me to spend (detail removed by Moderator) alone because we was meant to be together. So stupidly I said he could come in and he spend the day round, we watched things and he bought me a (detail removed by Moderator) too that was delivered to me in (detail removed by Moderator) that he got me a couple days before too. It’s like he just wanted to look after me for the day and be there. He even seemed so happy to be around me. Even small things like we went to the shop and I was cold as we was walking, he was on the phone and he put my hood up and zipped up my coat for me saying how cold I look – I can’t explain it without sounding like a baby, but he was so attentive and I remember he was always like that before.

We had sex that night and it was amazing, felt like love again and I didn’t even want him to leave but I also didn’t want him to stay round so he left. We carried on talking and I said it doesn’t mean we are together, I want to see how he acts for a longer period of time. He agreed and then he came back round on (detail removed by Moderator). I was a bit iffy because of lockdown but as he lives alone and hadn’t been working I said okay.

He brought dinner round and cooked it for us, everything was so nice again. We was laughing and everything felt so comfortable. Until I needed to use his phone for something as mine wasn’t working…

And of course, I couldn’t resist looking again. It is crazy how my whole relationship with my ex I never once even considered looking down his phone as that’s not something I would ever do. But with him, my gut just told me again. So of course I looked and looked a bit further until I saw a chat with somebody else…

and guess what… you were all right.

He had been talking to somebody else the whole time he had been begging and chasing me back for the last couple of months. She is working (detail removed by Moderator) at the moment and he talks to her everyday, even facetimes – just like we did when he was working away when we first started talking. She sent him naked videos of herself (couldn’t bare to open them (detail removed by Moderator)). He even messaged her on (detail removed by Moderator) after we had sex and he left saying “(detail removed by Moderator)”. I couldn’t believe it but then I could at the same time. He was saying the things he used to say to me about how he has never been like this with somebody before and how he has never spoken to somebody for months that he hasnt met – so that made me think it was happening whilst I was still with him. He also told her he cheated on both of his exs which includes me so now I am wondering if he cheated on me too?

I was so upset. I kicked him out. He wouldn’t leave for a while, started the panicking and crying. Said that we wasn’t together and he was just flirting even though he told me he hadn’t been speaking to anyone and was begging me back everyday lol. He ended up leaving and I blocked him again.

Since then he has emailed me because for some reason even though it’s blocked, it still comes through. He totally flipped it all and blamed me in the initial email – in complete denial and took no accountability that he did anything wrong. He said they were just friends since he saw me again and he had not been flirting.. the only reason he lied to her about where he was on (detail removed by Moderator) is because she didn’t need to know.

Anyway, after a few days I replied with what I had to say trying to be strong and made it clear if he harrasses me or comes to my house or makes any fake accounts etc then I will be reporting him to the police. He said okay and he isn’t going to try to win me back this time as he has accepted me aren’t together… that even made me feel upset even though I don’t want to be with him. What the hell is wrong with me?

But since then I had an email from him around (detail removed by Moderator) in the morning one day and he told me about a family member that made him touch them when he was little – he went into detail about the whole story and said he had never told anybody before and maybe thats why he is the way he is and gets angry as its built up anger. It’s crazy that I think he could even be lying about that but if he isn’t then I have no idea why he would tell me that?

Anyway I am so sorry this is so long but this evening, I have just felt broken. Not only do I feel like a total idiot.. I am annoyed at myself for giving in those few days and I am more annoyed that I even still miss him after everything. He played such a good game if thats what it was.. he honestly would seem like, act like and treat me like the best boyfriend sometimes and would say/do all the things you would want somebody to do… so I just feel like how do you ever trust somebody now after all that.. and to just go on and start doing it the same way with somebody else – it is heartbreaking. I shared things with him that was so personal and to think he didn’t even probably care because he just pretends to give a s**t so that he can get to know you so well. It feels so horrible. The counselling is a 14 week wait for the time I can do and honestly I just feel like it’s going to be so hard

I hope you guys can understand xxxx

[Eggshells]

Hi xxx22,

You are not the first woman to be drawn back in like this but hopefully it will be the last time for you. He will keep trying so you will need to be really strong now. If you need to change your email address to stop his messages then please do.

You are on a huge learning curve right now and this has really opened your eyes to how deceitful he can be. He’s not trying to get you back because he loves you – if that was the case then he wouldn’t have moved on with another woman. He’s trying to get you back because he knows how to manipulate you to give him exactly what he wants. It’s easier to get you back than to have to court and understand how to manipulate another woman, although he has made a start with that too, just in case you don’t go back.

Please use your experience over Valentine’s Day to help ensure that you never get woed by him again. All that thought and tenderness he showed you and the whole time he had a phone full of naked videos in his pocket! It’s just a game to him – refuse to play.

[Darcy]

Hi My beautiful angel …XXX22,
Don’t be so hard on yourself, eggshells is right you are not the first woman to go back.
I went back!
The reason I went back, aside from all the usual spin they give you and the fact I was scared was because I didn’t love and respect myself to want more for myself.
Going back made me realise that I needed to start taking a good look at me, focusing on me and investing in myself.
When you truly love and respect yourself you create boundaries, the more self worth you have the stronger those boundaries are, and the less ‘bad behaviour’ from other people you accept.
I would strongly recommend being kind to yourself, being your own best friend and giving yourself some much over due self love.
Zero contact is best as any interruption when focusing on yourself can easily throw you off.
I would recommend reading or listening to You Can Heal You Life by Louise Hay
My darling please invest in yourself, the rewards will be life changing
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx

[xxx22]

Thank you both so much. It’s crazy because I knew I didn’t want to but people were making me feel like he’s tried so hard and I’m being so harsh etc. I’m not going to talk to anybody about it now because especially a couple of my friends.. one of them has been in something toxic for so long she thinks the bare minimum is so sweet and such great effort so of course she would have thought his grand gestures and efforts are amazing. I definitely won’t go back now for sure.. it’s just hard accepting he’s probably sitting there messaging and FaceTiming her every since. How can he move on that quickly after everything x

[Darcy]

XXX22 … know your worth my darling, and start to reclaim and stand in your power
Don’t engage in his or your friends circus!
While you are focusing on other people you are not focusing on yourself and it is wasting energy that could be used more positively to put yourself back together
D xx

[gettingtired]

Hey, you’re not an idiot at all.
I’ve read that it takes 7 times on average for women to leave for good. You went back because he manipulated you with all the nice things and behaviour you always wanted. So cruel.
Please use this as him showing his true colours and try to stick to no contact.
You deserve so much more x*x

[Lifeinterrupted]

Please be gentle with yourself, so many of us have made that mistake; myself included (more than once, too). It’s really hard to break a trauma bond, and this is part of their pattern of behaviour – lovebombing you, to wear you down when you are vulnerable. I am sorry you had to go through this hurt, but hopefully it will help you to break the bond. No contact is the only way to be free of him, these men do not change.

What I have to keep reminding myself is that the lovely, kind, attentive version of him isn’t real; and never was real. It’s like a mask they wear, to manipulate us into believing they are something else. It’s a very tough thing to come to terms with. Remember, he is wearing that mask for this other woman too. However nicely he is treating her now, it’s all fake and his true colours will come out sooner or later. You are not the problem, he is – and always will be. You are worth so much more xx

[Cantmakedecisons]

Please don’t be harsh on yourself.. we all understand why you went back, it’s so difficult. The only positive is now that you have said yourself your done!

Yesterday, I almost went back, he was expecting me and waiting.. but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t make myself go. I’m not sure if it was just fear stopping me, although deciding not to fills me with fear too.

I didn’t sleep because I know he would come and get me. He hasn’t as yet but the silence is almost as bad.

I know I’ve put myself in this situation but at this moment, right now that’s not helping me feel safe or comfortable with my decision. I keep thinking if I go back then maybe he will calm down, even just for a while!

I’m so glad you’ve had your moment, it’s horrible and it’s painful BUT now there’s no going back for you. Stay strong and stand proud xx

[xxx22]

Thank you all for your kind words and support. Isn’t it so crazy how we can still want to go back even after all they put us through or have made us feel.

It is horrible thinking of him now just shifting all of his attention onto this other person after all we shared and I was even living with him in recent months.

Sometimes I’ll be okay and then I just daze off thinking back to it all. I am glad I didn’t make the mistake of moving out of my place with him like he wanted to because I would’ve been stuck with him and nothing else right now.

Hugs go out to those of you who are still at this point with me and almost going back but I realised all I want is peace.. and maybe like some of you.. realising we won’t get it with them no matter what they promise – it’s just words and even though I may not understand why he is like that or does this to me.. it doesn’t change that he does.

I almost feel like it was a game to him.. before he came along I was extremely independent, secure and strong. I used to think I was great at spotting the idiots from the genuine but it’s like he played a good game and tore me down in the end.

So just like you guys have advised… now it’s really going to be back to loving myself and using this as a past experience and not continuing to keep it as my present situation.
Thank you so much x x x

[Cantmakedecisons]

Well done you! You’re doing so well, there is bound to be blips along the way but your stronger now.

It’s really hard clinging on.. but it’s so much braver to let go, be proud of yourself xx

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