I were wondering

[betterdays]

If he’s actually got a mental illness as he’s bad tempered with nearly everyone ? His dad were exactly same character as him x

[Serenity]

Ahh, the big question- are they ill, mad or just horrible?

I don’t know exactly what your ex’s problems are, but I think in terms of my ex, there is a kind of moral sickness. A kind of madness. Mine is very malignant, and likes to destroy people.

[Confused123]

I think its beahviour learned within there childhood and family life and never corrected , this is why its so important we emphaize to our children that this behaviour is wrong and unacceptable so they dont follow the same pattern

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I wonder too Betterdays, and all I can link it to in my case is to his parents, in view of the memories I have, things that shocked me, things they said or did, or how they seemed to blame people, think of them, how they mentioned what they did with their two children, how they brought them up, what their own personalities were as my future in-laws, things I have witnessed, things that go tilt in my head because I wonder indeed if my husband’s attitude is due to all that…

It goes back a long way, and I have some…(particular proof) that show how obvious the ”early warning signs of abuse” were, there, staring me in the face, but I ignored, normalised, got used to them, and the rest is history. Mostly what hurts me is the kind of unexplained madness in the thought patterns of abusers, the craziness of it all, things that shock me and which have no rational explanations. I do wonder often if some people’s brains are ”damaged” by childhood experiences, upbringing, and are also simply not wired right. Empathy or the lack of it is something which I can’t explain, I would have to be a psychologist I suppose to find an answer. My husband has barely any. Is this what caused so many of our problems? I don’t know.

Or are abusers simply wired to be nasty for their own benefit, wired to find a victim, betray her after being nice to her to win her trust, and then bang! The abuse shows its ugly head…

At the Freedom Programme they talk about beliefs, myths, shared beliefs etc. In the meantime I keep asking my husband why he is the way he is, why he did what he did and why he said what he said. I get no answer other than he can’t be the person I want him to be. I am tempted to think that childhood and early teenage years have a lot to do with abusive behaviour, and some backgrounds will impact on someone’s personality more than others, it is just a question of ”subtle or ugly quality” in the abuse. Violence can be severe or not, regular or not, sexual abuse expresses itself again in different ways depending on both partners I think and how vulnerable someone might be. Oh well…I don’t really know the answer to it all.

All I can say is that I believe some people think in extremely shallow ways and to me it is like the animal waking up in some and not in others. Something deep, something disturbed and disturbing inhabits these people. But I also believe that sometimes the abuse becomes so unbearable that we may even resort to it ourselves. Name calling, shouting, banging things, all out of desperation.

Abuse is everywhere, in lots of homes, at work, on the streets, in politics, in war…Rare are the people who think and act by taking into account others first.

The thing that perplexes me the most is how controlled abusers can be within seconds…when the police arrive, when SS are involved, when neighbours are around…is there a Jekyll and Hyde in all of them??? How do they do that???

Sorry, hope I don’t sound too weird in my views, I am as dumbfounded as you probably…

[betterdays]

Thanks all for the feed back. My exes dad hit him over the head with a hammer when he were in his late teens he did it to calm him down. His dad were a very agressive man who swore every other words at his children and put beer first. There mother left them when they were young to be with another man. So they practically brought themselves up. They lived with no electricity for a couple of yrs my ex said to me everyone lived the same. His dad were once going to sell my ex when he were a baby to a childless couple. They all bed wet too. A very dysfunctional back ground x

[Kaza]

Whether someone has a mental illness or not it does not give them the right to abuse us. Its just an excuse like drugs, drinking etc etc

[undertherainbow]

Mentally ill people tend to be a harm to themselves, not others. Even if he got diagnosed he would still be an abuser, just one with a condition.
Have you witnessed his Dad and his behaviour or is this what your abuser told you about his upbringing? In my experience I blamed his family for being how he was, he would tell me stories of his childhood abuse.

…All of which was complete lies! xx

[betterdays]

Hi under the rainbow. Yes his dad definitely were like that u knew the family before I got with my ex as I used to friends with his sister. X

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