I wish I was strong enough

[Anonymous]

The fact I cannot leave and be on my own, the fact I feel like I need him. I am so unhappy with my life right now and don’t know what direction I am going to take. It’s hard enough to carry on being so normal as for going to work when I have all these thoughts in my mind about my relationship with him. Feeling low and helpless. I know only I can make it better I really hope one day I figure this out and look back at a better me.

[Wits End]

Anon, I too am in the same boat. I’ve been like this for years, I can’t actually summon up the courage to get my husband out of my life. I’ve asked myself so many times, why do I continually let him abuse me, why do I take all the hurt, the cruelty, the lies, deceit, the nastiness, the sometimes physical anger, and yet I know it’s because I listen to my heart and not my head. I am a true believer in self empowerment, and I am beginning to grow stronger, it takes time, but I do believe in karma. (detail removed by moderator). It has helped me to understand that in my case I’m a rescuer, but I cannot rescue myself until I come to my senses and finally acknowledge to myself that I have allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship. It is hard, but you will gradually find a way I’m sure. Have you asked your GP for counselling on the NHS? There are many good counsellors out there. There is also an organisation called Co-Dependents Anonymous, see if they have a local group near you? Look on their website. And there is the National Domestic Violence Helpline listed above, and you can contact Samaritans any time, they are there for anyone who needs help and support. I’m sure many others on here will be able to offer their support too, so don’t despair, reach out, someone will always be there to listen 🙂 WE xx

[Anabela]

I know how it feels. I was constantly feeling that I loved him too much. I needed him like a drug and despite all the horrible things he had done, I could not imagine my life without him. I used to think I was a hopeless case, that despite all the understanding I would never leave him. I tried no contact for a few days and then got back to him and it happened over and over again.
But now I talk in a past tense. I left for good.
So you will manage. A day is gonna come when you feel fed up with everything and you will say bye and never look back. It is so good that you come to this site despite needing him because it does give strength (i would not have left without this forum).
Have you told anyone about the abuse apart this forum? Because talking about it, was the breaking point for me. (it still took quite a long time after the first time I shared about my life with a person from the outside).
If you haven’t read it yet, I so highly recommend a book why does he do that. Because reading that book brings you to reality that he is not going to change.
It is hard to leave a relationship. But it’s worth it. And you will manage too 🙂
x*x

[Wits End]

Hi Anabela, is that the book by Lundy Bancroft? I’m going to get it. Thank you for the mention xx

[Anabela]

Yes, that’s the one ☺

[Wits End]

Thanks Anabela, I’ve ordered it from ebay. I must nearly have a library of self help books! For anyone who is interested, and would prefer to borrow a book rather than buy, I came across something in another book I was reading, which referred to the books on prescription service, which I think allows your GP to prescribe for you to obtain self help books from your local library. Have a look on the internet as I think it does exist for those who might be interested.

[IrisAtwood]

Hi Anon,
I joined codependents anonymous when I left my ex as I realised that I had focused completely on rescuing him and allowed my needs to be ignored. CoDA has helped me a lot – although there are some issues I think for those who have been abused because there is a focus on taking responsibility, and this can feel like victim blaming unless you have already done some work on yourself.
You will figure things out if that is what you want to do. As for living alone, I am also afraid of that and lots of women on here are too. Many have succeeded and now enjoy living alone. I was lucky that my best friend asked me to move in when I left and we are very happy house sharing. You might find something similar. I do miss having a physically intimate and affectionate relationship though – that is hard to deal with – but is getting easier.

[Wits End]

Hi Iris, I have been thinking of going to Co-Dependents Anonymous, that’s why I mentioned it, but so far, I haven’t actually physically dragged myself to a meeting there, and may be it’s because I’m still living with the abuser. I just wonder if I would find it helpful? I did ask my GP for counselling on the NHS  (detail removed by moderator), it took months for the appointment to come through, and we all know how things continually change with these abusers over that period of time, so the yo-yo-ing was continuing, then I had my first appointment, went okay I thought, but at the second, I said I would have to terminate, as the abuser’s behaviour was worsening towards me, he sensing I was doing something, but he thought I was having an affair, and I didn’t want to tell him it was counselling, as I knew he would feel threatened if he thought I was talking about him, so safer not to mention it, but then that evening, after I had told the counsellor I couldn’t go any more, and he said I would be welcome back any time, things got nasty, and the abuser, my husband, just launched a verbal tirade upon me, and I just couldn’t take any more, so I just walked, taking very little with me. Didn’t get very far, just the local park, repeatedly ringing the national domestic helpline in the hope I could get to a refuge, but no one answered, just an answering machine repeatedly, I left messages, no one rang back. So I ended up calling the police at midnight, and to be fair, they came, but then I was treated as if I must have some form of insanity, which clearly I hadn’t, and so then they said all they could do was return me home. I asked them to try and get a refuge place for me and they said they couldn’t. They tried ringing also on my phone and got the same issue, just an answering machine. So I ended up back home again, under the roof with the abuser, asking the counsellor to take me back, and never received another appointment from him, despite his promise to provide one! What does it take to get help I keep asking myself?

[enofadov]

I wish I was strong enough too. You are not alone…..think how much strength it has taken to be in your situation for how
Long you have, how much bravery to stay and hide things for so long, to put on a grave face for the sake of others and now use this strength to now rescue yourself.
X*x

[enofadov]

*brave

[Author]

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