i witnessed

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

My child recently said to me dad and child had been good together in the last couple of months, then when child gets up on Sunday dad is changed and doesn’t even respond to the nice question how are you. Grunt and ignorance meet child instead.
I had quietly been observing how that seemingly perfect dance of being mates had gone on and, as much as it was hurting me because I was totally ignored by my child, I kept telling myself to believe that it wouldn’t be long before that artificial dance would reveal the real selfish motive driving my husband to be super dad to said child while ignoring the others.
More reasons for me to hang on deeply to my inner truth that I would never ever treat my children differently from one another. More reasons to believe my husband is displaying a false identity he cannot keep up with.
It is exhausting witnessing all this, emotionally mainly. I feel powerless and often defeated but my inner voice say keep believing in yourself, the truth will shine one day and all my children will realize.
However the goalpost is moving and I am manipulated. Something important I am trying to force re divorce is made difficult by my husband who, if I understand the concept of abuse, is dominating me via power and control, all helped of course by his solicitor.
But, without disclosing what the exact concern is, I can see how pathetic all this is and how much of a bully I am fighting against. The only thing I grow through is my capacity to allow the resulting emotions caused to express themselves while I am alone again, thank goodness for my work to allow those alone moments,while my brain processes the logical thing to do, ie wait till I can move forward regardless.
Thank goodness also for my wit…I need to have some in immense measure. If I had been a weaker person I would have been devoured and destroyed decades ago. My boundaries are still there, hidden away but still there. In my alone times I process both emotions and necessity to remain calm and allow no desperation. Eventually my freedom will come.
It all sounds weird to write all this but I think most of you will understand. Power and control…abusers can’t keep up because they lie, gaslight, contradict themselves and project.

What I fear the most is the soul destroying sadness of loosing my child because my husband is no doubt trying to force him to choose his main carer…how horrendous for my child. I know I may loose my child who is torn and doesn’t know what I now know about abusers. But in the end, my friends keep telling me my children will all realize.

I am in a café writing this post, no one at home knows where I am so I am safe to explain. What I mainly want to acknowledge for myself is how hard it is to battle our feelings while staying functional, and sometimes I allow myself times out to calm down my sadness and process the horrendous manipulation my husband triggers me with.

I rely on watching YouTube videos about abuse, I can see clearly what my situation is and it helps me stay sane. So tonight in the café that’s what I did again. It all ticks the right boxes. Lack of empathy, grandiosity, covert malignant x, it’s all there…how sad but how helpful.

In good time I will be free, and I will rebuild. I am not torn.

Now I can go back home, and face the next challenge, one evening at a time. It’s hard to live a normal life when you know what you are facing. Why did I wake up so late to the reality i discovered too late…?

[Freedomfighter]

It’s never Too late while we’re still here, still fighting, still surviving. I know how hard it is to watch them manipulate your children, I have 2 both grown up now. I thought they both saw through his lies and deceit, but lately my eldest appears to be taking his side, being used as my husband as a go between. This was partly why I had a little meltdown last week. It’s horrible and heartbreaking to witness. Sending you hugs and the strength to keep going. Keep posting when you can. Best wishes

[Author]

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