I wrote this poem last year after I had tried and failed to leave him

[Alicenotichains]

“Why doesn’t she just leave?”

Catapulted up and out,
The imprint of his thumbs behind my jaw,
And the fresh sensation of his fingers crushing my skull,
Propel me higher and higher,
His pleading cries are met with stone,
Just as mine were,
I am done.

I don’t care if you love me!
My friends and family say that’s not love,
I am flying now, up and out of reach,
Faster, higher,
Accelerated by flashbacks of fear,
His red face salivating, teeth bared like an animal,
Shoved rudely into mine,
There were no boundaries,
I thought I was dead,
Begging him not to hurt me,
He has crossed the line this time.

I’m gaining momentum,
Candid and honest with everyone,
Shining light onto the dark secrets of my life.
I’m a survivor,
Soaring,
From this height I catch a glimpse of freedom stretched like a wide-open plain before me,
Choices, life, people, laughter, potential, peace,
I can see the light,
For a few days its warmth touches me.
And I reach with my whole body,
Fingers outstretched,
Ready to grasp,
Full of resolve,
Like an angel being summoned to heaven,
But I don’t quite make it.

A tiny seed of darkness, stirs within my soul,
It grows quickly,
Spilling like ink,
Blotting my view,
No longer overdosing on oxytocin,
Gravity slows my ascent,
Slower,
Slower,
Stop.
And then I start to fall,
Rapidly losing height I make a list of all the ‘not ok’ things that he has done to me,
It is long and compelling,
Perfect for a rational mind,
I try and flap wings of indignation and self-respect against the pull,
But my flailing arms are sucked downwards by pity, guilt and denial,
Spinning in withdrawal,
And the stirring of demons awoken from the past.

The pain returns,
Worse than death,
Back to black,
My destiny was not to reach the light,
I know that now,
My destiny is to fall,
It was written, a long time ago,
And so shall it be.

I feel the downward pull on my soul,
I pick up my Freedom Programme booklet.
It tells me how a nice man behaves.
He wouldn’t call me a double-headed c**t.

But I suppose I didn’t listen to him though,
I was too focussed on other things…
And I think that this time he has realised that I will leave if pushed,
It’s shaken him up,
I think he might change.

But everyone knows…
Why was I so open???
I cringe inwardly,
Hating myself a bit more,
Others will hate me too for getting them all worked up.
I am playing with people’s minds and hearts.
Spiralling downwards I start to crave,
Sweating palms,
Knotted stomach,
I have no choice,
I am powerless.

Skulking back into the shadows,
I lie to my friends and family,
By switching off the light behind my eyes,
I text him,
Once,
Twice,
I phone him and leave a message,
Suppose he is gone??
I phone his mum.
Strangled by panic.

And then he phones me,
His voice is soft and gentle like silk,
Dopamine rushes through my veins,
As if by magic, my demons slink away,
And my soul feels like it is floating in a warm bath of love,
The pain stops.

I can faintly hear the rational part of my brain,
What have I done??
I feel so ashamed,
I cry all the way home on the bus,
But I am sitting at the back so nobody notices,
I almost made it,
But I can’t see the light anymore,
And so another part of me dies.

But life isn’t black and white,
The world changes back to a tolerable shade of grey,
He has a good soul,
And in truth we understand each other because we are both pretty f****d up,
Something from childhood no doubt,
I start to really hate the people who encouraged me to leave,
How dare they tell me what to do?
What do they know about love or about me?
I have fallen now, back into his arms,
And his hands,
I am surviving- just in a different way,
I land with a thump.

(Detail removed by moderator). 

[KIP.]

“And so another part of me dies”

Every time we go back another part dies until there’s just a shell left.

Thanks for sharing. Very though provoking……

[Serenity]

Hi Alice,

You’ve effectively described the pain and addictive pull of hope when trapped in an abusive relationship. It’s your own very personal experience, and thanks for your trust and generosity in sharing this.

The lines which stood out to me were : “his voice is soft and gentle like silk, Dopamine rushes through my veins, As if by magic my demons slink away.”

Their silver tongue had us believing there was some real goodness there, which could be accessed and kept if we just ‘tried that bit harder.’

x

[Alicenotichains]

Thank you ladies- I am (removed by moderator) out of the relationship and it feels a bit different this time from our last split which fried my brain.I have lots of support from police, social services, counsellor, you guys, family and friends.
Last time I went back to him I had to lie to everyone- I felt so ashamed and when I was honest with people that I had gone back some horrible things were said to me which made me feel the lowest of the low.
My DV counsellor said to me this week “I put it to you that it was not your choice to go back” and that basically he had guilted and manipulated my emotions to the point where I was no longer in control of them.
I wish I could jump into this poem and into the past and give myself a massive hug and let myself know that although I couldn’t quite make it then, that I would get stronger and have another go at breaking free.
Victim blaming is something that I have felt first hand, anyone who blames a victim has no idea about the brain washing effects of abuse and coercive control and in doing so joins forces with the abuser to belittle and attacke the victim.
This week has been ok- he has not contacted me at a all since he slammed down the phone after i stood up to him. I feel that it is over. All I need to to is not contact him, not feel bad for him, and look after myself.
My DV counsellor has given me some breathing techniques if I start to panic. She also says she feels I am dissociated as I relay details of what she describes as gut wrenching abuse, as if I were reading the news- with no emotion.
She thinks I am deeply traumatised and have numbed out somewhere along the line. I have been close to abusive people my whole life- I can see that now.
I am going to take time to heal and be kind to myself. I get occasional pangs of longing but I come on here or speak to a friend. I am sleeping much better and my chest pains and stomach pains have gone. I just need to keep going, one day at a time x*x

[Anabela]

It is so well described in this poem. I’ve been through these stages, and I got back.
‘I start to really hate the people who encouraged me to leave,
How dare they tell me what to do?
What do they know about love or about me?’

Sometimes I would blame the books I’ve read. I would think, if only I never googled emotional abuse. If only I had a different job at that time, as in that place the posters of domestic abuse and leaflets of signs were on every corner, and in the end that made me google that. If only I never bought a book ‘Why does he do that’ Then I could be blind, and believe that when he says he changed, he really changed, and I could be more optimistic. And not float in between (one foot in a relationship, one foot out). But is it a good way to be blind in a relationship?? Of course not!!! And even though I have not left again, I dont believe that he would change… I know I will leave at some point.

[Alicenotichains]

Anabela,

Sending you lots of love. I think the time has to be right to leave for you. I was abandoned my my first abusive husband for another woman and so I never got the chance to stand up for myself against him. And then I met another man who I loved very much and still do, but in the end he was also an abuser and he is the one I have finally broken free from a free several attempts.
From my own experience I couldn’t leave all in one go so I took little steps each day to build my confidence. We didn’t live together so that was easier than it is for some people. I started a job and noticed that other people were really kind and I found myself laughing and enjoying their company. I hadn’t laughed for years. They helped me without even knowing. Then I opened up to my GP- that was hard.
I have felt so bleak at times, I couldn’t look at the survivors forum when I went back because in order to survive in the relationship I needed to be in denial.
I never thought I had the strength to leave but I hoped that one day I might have a moment of strength that would give me the momentum to step away. Deep down I felt like I was going to die if I stayed with him and that feeling of fear and the fear that my kids would grow up without a mother also pushed me to make the break.
We are all here for you- one day you will do it but in the mean time just be kind to yourself and know that you are not on your own. Abusers take control of your mind and then use it against you- it is a horrible conspiracy. There is a stronger force though, it is in all of us- you will do this one day. Here is a massive virtual hug xxxXx

[Anabela]

Alicenotinchains,

Thank you.. It’s funny how similar the stories are. A big breaking point was when I started to work in my current job. I saw people laughing, and I laughed too. I was quiet at first, but then slowly I came out of my shelf. And he has been complaining, that my job is ruining our relationship and is the cause of our problems. He is right, I guess. This is the place where I saw that people can be happy. And I want to be happy too. I met some strong, happy women that I admire. I also feel, that if I stay, this relationship will kill me. Either he would do it on purpose or by accident in his crazy moods, or I would go crazy… I catch myself thinking, if something happens to me, at least my parents will get some compensation money from my employment, as i named my mum as a beneficiary. But then another thought crosses my mind: hold on. I am young, I should not be thinking about my death. We don’t live together at the moment as well. After I moved out, when tried to break up with him, even though he got another chance, I keep finding an excuses not live together. whenever I dont see him for a longer period of time, I feel I rest…. I think, I am taking small baby steps towards my freedom… I just hope I am not gonna make another jump back….

[KIP.]

Hey, why don’t you write a second part to your poem. How you refuse to give into his lies and broken promises again. How he made you feel ashamed, how it wasn’t really you who wanted to go back etc…..

[Author]

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