28th November 2019 at 11:20 pm #92589
So… I have just been reading some posts and I saw someone advise talking to a solicitor who knows about domestic abuse / coercive control, and it reminded me of another post I had seen where someone said that they had been poorly advised by their solicitor in this regard.
Please could someone elaborate, and explain slightly how a solicitor who is knowledgable in this area is likely to proceed?
I had a first meeting with a solicitor recently and she was entirely hooked on what I would be entitled to (I am only just starting to think about lining things up – I can’t leave yet) which in its way was helpful, because I know that I will, essentially, be ok financially, but when I asked about the abuse “thing”, what difference it makes, she simply said that if he doesn’t play ball then I can claim unreasonable behaviour. This kind of made sense. But I wonder actually if this isn’t what I should be looking for.
Can anyone out there share their solicitor experiences in order to help those of us who just aren’t sure?
Thank you so much x*x
28th November 2019 at 11:49 pm #92590IwantmebackParticipant
Hi the advice I got was that if my husband didn’t play ball we would go down the irreconcilable differences. With the coercive domestic abuser 2015 act, my husband was informed that he could face at least a 5yr jail sentence if I went down that road. Even knowing this he still continues to abuse. Irreconcilable differences don’t have to be elaborated on but can be if circumstances prevail.
I hope this helps
29th November 2019 at 12:58 am #92595PUG67Participant
Am i entitled to see anyone for free advice . I have no money at my disposal. I live in my house ive been in under the council for 32 years . In (detail removed by moderator) we bought it under right to buy. Now I am stuck her after we bought the house his behaviour became so much worse . I can’t afford the Morgage he can we are not allowed to sell for 5 years after buying under council rules. So i am trapped here for over 4 more years is there anything I could do .
29th November 2019 at 1:58 am #92598IwantmebackParticipant
Hi and welcome. Welcome to the forum. it’s such a hard thing to do. Contact your local WA, they usually have a local lawyer who comes to their offices and will give the first appointment free. Try and not worry about the situation you are in, there is always a way out of anything.
29th November 2019 at 7:51 am #92607
Hey Lottie. You don’t need to wait for a divorce if You can prove unreasonable behaviour and it only takes one incident. That’s what I’d be doing. If youre happy with the financial advice given then your solicitor should start by making him a financial offer of a split of assets. A solicitor with experience will know he will lie delay and distract so won’t waste time and money writing back and forward with letters that are ‘without prejudice’ which means they cannot be used in court should it get to that stage. What’s the point in wasting thousands on back and forth with someone who will use this system to abuse you. I’m not giving you legal advice, just sharing my experience. Talk it over with your solicitor x
29th November 2019 at 8:58 am #92610
Thank you so much, that’s sound advice and I’m much clearer now. I just didn’t want to be talking to the wrong person. X
29th November 2019 at 9:31 am #92611
I found out the hard way. Had to sack my first solicitor. Don’t be afraid of them. Ask questions and keep asking till their answer makes sense. Don’t accept ‘it’s just the way it’s done’. Maybe in ordinary cases but they must know dealing with an abuser is completely different. Put time limits on any communication with him. Like ‘your have two weeks to reply’. Again another lesson I learned. When she says ‘if he doesn’t play ball’. She should know already he is t going to play ball. She needs to go in with a zero tolerance approach while noting his obstructive behaviour as if he drags it to court she can ask the judge to get him to pay some of your legal fees. She might want to even state this in her first letter. By nature, it’s going to take longer than you would like. That doesn’t mean he can drag his heels or use the process to intimidate or abuse you further. Get all your ducks in a row. Collect all the financial information you need because you can bet he won’t hand it over or like mine will empty bank accounts x things could have gone so differently for me had I had the chance to get prepared before I told him I wanted out. As soon as he senses it’s on the horizon things will drastically change.
1st December 2019 at 10:01 pm #92777snowbuntingParticipant
Hello, I am going through divorce currently and as I understand there are 5 reasons for divorce all based on irreconcilable differences causing irretrievable breakdown of marriage. Adultery, Unreasonable behaviour, 2 years separation, 5 years separation and desertion. Mine is his unreasonable behaviour, I understand the courts generally do not judge the contents of the unreasonable behaviour they just have to be satisfied that there is irretrievable breakdown.
If you are choosing unreasonable behaviour there must be 3 or 4 incidents within the last 6 months. And whilst you are cohabiting.
The financial settlement – the courts now encourage a financial mediator and expect an attempt at this – the first appointments are individual and subsequent are joint. The individual will be your MAIM appointment. Necessary to go for form A if joint financial mediation does not work. Courts do this to reduce costs of solicitors – its supposed to be cheaper to agree face to face with a mediator present.
It is possible to ask for separate mediators in domestic abuse cases if you can prove this – police, doctors ect. There is information about this on the gov.uk website under divorce.
However, in practise – every one has their hands out in times of misery – and from experience mediators are also a business, so just do as much research as you can and take your time. This is your life and your schedule.
As the domestic abuse bill has been delayed the courts there is no specific domestic abuse offence – (and is there one when it is passed?) cohersive control is very hard to prove and although a criminal offence is separate to your divorce and possibly may not affect any financial settlement you would receive.
Your solicitor will charge by the 6 minutes and bills soon rack up. Its a really difficult time trying to both understand your rights and keep costs down. But the Gov.uk site is a good place to start researching.
Keep strong. x
2nd December 2019 at 7:28 am #92784
The divorce laws are different in different countries. I’m not in England if that’s where you are but abusers are all the same no matter where x
2nd December 2019 at 8:17 am #92785maddogParticipant
I was advised to do meditation at the beginning. From the off, my ex was lying so that didn’t work. Abusers love the family court and can cause all sorts of trouble. When I told my ex I wanted a divorce he flew into a rage and decided he had to be in control. Solicitors are usually very dry and the law isn’t the same as emotional support.
Rights of Women has a fantastic website and it is worth trying to get through to their phone line.
11th December 2019 at 8:13 am #93307
I’m not in England either. It’s interesting how different the laws are…
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