Idolization &amp (detail removed by moderator)

[fizzylem]

Processing trauma
(detail removed by moderator)

I remember being somewhat aware this man idolised me in that first year. He left me feeling wanted and desired – who doesn’t want some of that? He couldn’t keep his hands off me. I felt amazing. On reflection I can now see that he agreed with everything I said more or less, can see now he wasn’t interested in lively, interesting discussions, or getting to know me more, it was all about the sex for him. If he was agreeable, there was no conflict and I felt we’re very similar in our beliefs and values, I thought we had a connection. I was wrong, it was all just a means to end for him – for sex. It also meant he didn’t have to think and grow as a person – things I want, he certainly did not want to waste his time with that.

I was uncomfortable with this sometimes, and started to question it in my mind, why does he always agree with me? Or apologise straight away if I pull him up? But these thoughts were fleeting and I was so wrapped up in feeling wanted and enjoying the sex I didn’t give it much thought – this was the first red flag really and I ignored it.

I spoke to his ex once and she said after the birth of their son she felt that her and her son were completely invisible for a while and so she ended it. Wish I had done this, instead I spent years trying to challenge him, say we need to spend more time together – connect – feel a togetherness. We started to fall out. He said I was no fun, too deep, causing grief, creating problems that are not there. I don’t know if he was volatile with his ex or if she got out before? The mistake I made when listening to her was that ‘I believed I was special’, it didn’t work for them because they were not right for one another, it’s different for me, for us, I am the one. What a fool I was hey, I was not special at all – I was just the next.

He sponged off the both of us; never wanted to bring in extra money to spend on the family – if he did have a bit extra now and then he would spend it on himself – life was a game of survival – this was no fun and no matter how much we talked about making things different – he agreed – and then did nothing.

He’s now met someone else, and I can see exactly the same pattern occurring, he has learnt nothing from our relationship at all. It is a strange thing to experience your own history in the present – he is idolizing her now, I can hear it in the things he has said; he’s gone for someone similar to me, a decent, working professional, someone with good moral values – someone he aspires to be like – at the moment. The problem is, underneath, he has no moral values and cares only about himself and his needs, just enough money, a roof over his head, being fed and sex. Caring, giving women enhance his life hey, make it nice and a hell of a lot easier. The rescuers will to try to fix him, help and do things for him as I did. She is currently his saviour, removing him from the realities and responsibilities he does not want in life. What he hides is that he’s not interested in you or sharing, he has nothing to give, he doesn’t want to make your life easier; he can not love – he only exploits and then attacks when you question him. As harsh s it sounds, he is only a parasite.

I am sure she will be feeling amazing right now, especially after coming out of a previous break up; and I can see how she may be a source of help to me with regard to him wanting her to see him as a good father for a while, agreeable, and perfectly reasonable – until she falls from the pedal stool, as we all do and her help and influence will be gone.

(detail removed by moderator), his charisma is developed only to meet his own needs, behind it there is nothing else likeable about him. His worst fear at the moment is that she will meet me and I will talk, I am his darkest secret hey. I could tell her about the drugs and that he only has druggy friends, the abuse, the scumbag parent he has turned out to be, the financial mess, the no holidays, the no going out anywhere, the lies, deceit, false promises; the trauma, and that he should come with a government health warning, the truth.

There is so much I could reveal and he fears that. I will gladly answer any questions she wants to ask if she comes looking, but I imagine this will be a long way down the line, if ever, amidst her confusion and desperation – as he continues to demonise me, telling her I am sick, twisted, bitter, controlling and mentally ill – all his projections – how he unconsciously feels about himself, I see this now. I have been off sick from work for (detail removed by Moderator) and so what he says must be true hey – I mean who does that unless there is a major problem, ‘you’ve isolated yourself for (detail removed by Moderator) and gone mad’ – apparently – stops him from feeling responsible for the stress he has caused when not caring properly for our daughter – that has left me feeling completely terrorized. He has no idea at all how it really is for me nor does he care.

I am not interested is causing any trouble, that is simply not me, I can see she is in danger but there is nothing anyone can do. I am truly thankful he has gone now, that I have completely separated, head and soul, finally. His fears are just that his own illogical fears – there is nothing in our history whatsoever to suggest I would be interested in sabotaging his life or his relationship – he will do that without any of my help at all. What would I gain from that other than more stress, I’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.

I felt and saw myself as a self-empowered, educated woman – with my own mind – I would never be a victim; I worked(detail removed by Moderator); I wouldn’t allow myself to ever become a victim – this arrogance only blinded me further. I failed to recognise that my strength could also be a weakness in the wrong hands; my capacity for endurance, never giving up, determination in the work place did not serve me at home at all – it only prolonged the agonising, it made me stay; what can I do? How can I help us to fix this? There is always a solution right? Is it me? Is he right? Am I to blame for all this?

I see it all so more clearly now, blame, blame, blame is his game; passive aggressive or aggressive threats; vile and abusive; self-centred, egotistical; selfish, me, me, me. I am left with the devastation, the aftermath and making sense of it all. I need to see it all for what it really was, and still is. I am not to blame and I couldn’t have seen it coming.

I have had to let go of many hopes and dreams, the hope it will get better, all the false beliefs I created, we love each other deeply, he is the only man for me, we will be together forever, our family will be re-united, he will come good for us in the end. He let me think we shared the same dreams – when we did not, in the end I knew tomorrow would never come, all of his promises were empty; and his volatility only grew. I now know that none of how I thought it really was – was – it was all my own invention – but the truth has set me free.

[Serenity]

Hi Fizzylem,

I could have written your post, word for word.

If only we had known about n*********s before! I was oblivious to a lot of things.

You’re right: they are nothing behind the cheesy lines, the fake charm. There’s just a vacuum there, a black hole.

Zari Ballard is an excellent writer. She has a feisty style which is very inspiring x

[fizzylem]

Thanks Serenity, it helps me to know there is someone out there who can relate a great deal – folk who understand, but it also pains me to know others have and are suffering. I have isolated myself for way too long with this – no more. It really helped me to write that post, gain a bit more clarity, and it is affirming to read your words – thank you for taking the time – it was an epic post huh!? So I totes understand if people need to ‘pass’ lol.

This time last week, I never would have imagined I would be on the women’s aid forum – I didn’t even know I needed it. I thought women’s aid is for women who have suffered violence and rape, which it is but it is also for women just like me too, it has been so very helpful to me to identify with and label it domestic abuse, I can see now that I have been in a traumatic relationship for years and have tried to deal with it alone, which has only served to keep the trauma going. I can see exactly why I have been so very ill now, become half the person I was. My memory has gone and I can’t achieve that much in a day – but I am now out, completely, mind and soul – what a huge relief, I’ve wanted this for such a long time but not known how to get there. Finally the obsessional thoughts will now end. How far out are you? Yes, there was never really anything to attach to was there, when I finally saw him bare it was like looking at a ghost, or an animal crazed with survival.

[Nova]

Fizzylem, powerful post! Like Serenity, and no doubt many many women, we are on the same page. (detail removed by moverator)That the only man I trusted..shared all my lovely (then) life, my world my home…
and gave him, my all, is a fake, a self centred cruel pathetic nobody.

Yes my hopes dreams, daily life, emotions, health, finances have all been totally shattered. I never knew even that there was such a thing as emotional & financial abuse until I came on here…and thank G I know more now than even a few months ago, I’m still very much fresh out of the relationship, there’s loads I don’t remember even though it’s happened, my brain is protecting me, I’m starting counselling, so I’m hoping it will unlock what needs to be expressed, for me to move forward & my future. After all it is a cliche but we do only have one life, and I will not allow him to drag me down any further.
Like you I gave so much and got zero in return, seriously nothing. Not one friend in common,no support, no practical help, no material gain or long term ‘connection’,obviously manipulated all that to keep me isolated and under control…they are not stupid, they know what they’re doing ..

They think steps ahead, it’s a plan of action and they are experienced, we aren’t, we have no idea what’s coming next, they do…as they orchestrate everything for their gain. Imagine what efforts they make to keep it going.. Makes me feel quite sick just thinking about it all..he was always twitched underneath, sickly and hycondriac, they pull all the tricks Ou the bag don’t they!

(detail removed by moderator)beware and be aware world

Keep posting we all support each other great ladies and words of wisdom.

Cx

[fizzylem]

Thanks everso for taking the time to respond C – was really helpful to me to read like you I was so wrapped up in his world I got lost – yes that is so very fitting for me and you made me think more about that. We’re out now and have no contact and so can heal. Going to have look at this freedom programme next…thanks again x

[KIP.]

Welcome. (detail removed by moderator) X

[Serenity]

Hi Fizzy Lem,

You’re right, you become half the person you were. In fact, I was teetering dangerously close to not being a person at all! I didn’t even feel human.

I am over a couple of years out, and it’s been a journey which has taken all my strength and courage, but I am finally beginning to feel that I am rediscovering the old me- I’ve managed to excavate her underneath all the rubble. I still have days where I feel triggered, but I am now in control of my health and I have realised that I was ruled by fear when with him. I keep telling myself now that don’t need to be fearful anymore, and that I deserve to be happy, and for the first time that latter statement is really ringing true. I now have true hope X

[Lisa]

Hi,

I just wanted to send a message to clarify that Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control.

A lot of women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c personality, borderline personality or antisocial personality).

While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse.

If the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers.

Abuse and mental illness can happen at the same time. There are people who have a mental illness and are also abusive to their partners. There are also people who have a mental illness and are healthy and supportive partners.
If your partner has a mental illness and is abusive towards you, it’s important to keep in mind that the mental illness and the abusive behaviours need to be handled separately by the abusive partner.
It is the abusive partner’s responsibility to seek out support and create their own plan for managing their mental illness and be accountable for their abusive behaviour.
If your partner is not owning up to their actions, is not admitting to how much they’re hurting you, and is not seeking out professional help then that’s a sign that your partner isn’t willing to change. If that’s the case, then the abuse in the relationship tends to continue and escalate over time.

The focus has to be on abuse and an abuser not a personality type. Please remember that links to blogs are not permitted on the forum.

Thank you for your understanding in this matter.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

Welcome to the forum, yes u not alone, these men fooled a lot if us, it shocking to think there are so many of them out there

[lover of no contact]

Welcome to the Forum Fizzylem,

Please keep posting, your post and insight was amazing. All you say is true about the abusers and us. I can identify with your every word. As consolation, he is left with himself, he can never escape himself and his vileness and he has to spend the rest of his life searching out other human beings he can deceive and hurt in order to not feel weak. You on the other hand can and eventually will heal from his trauma with lots of the right support and time. You have all the qualities he lacks. You have the kindness, the generosity of spirit, the loving nature. You are smart and probably funny and beautiful. He has three true emotions (anger, fury and jealousy). He fakes all the other emotions. You on the otherhand will go on to live a life where you will feel joy, happiness and love. He cannot feel these positive emotions. When he portrays them it is part of his façade. He is empty and lacks good qualities. You are full of beautiful qualities. I know he has taken from you your joy, your trust, your confidence, your self-esteem, your self-worth, your money, your energy, your time, your reputation etc. But you know with time (and support), you will heal and regain what you have lost. He on the other hand despite appearances and his façade is really lost in the true sense of the word.

[fizzylem]

Hi LONC, thank you for your kind words. Interesting that you see it as he can not experience true emotions – I guess for me that makes sense because I imagine that if he did stop to do this he would be flooded with nothing but awful emotions – as he has never done anything for anyone unless it serves him of course and has behaved so badly with no regard for others one bit. His truth would lead him to acknowledging what a terrible person he is. I can see how he is not capable of empathy; like you say he only fakes emotions to get what he needs from you – as they are not backed up with any real understanding of what is emotional intelligence. What a meaningless, soulless life that must be, to never feel compassion hey and to be on a constant mission to take what he can from others – never to experience any real connection with the self, others and the world we share. The lies come as he has now learnt that all free meal tickets do run out, sadly, I imagine this does not mean he change, to him it only means that he will need to up his game. Thank you for telling me to keep posting; I logged in today to delete all my posts, thinking my head clearly isn’t in the space to offer the right type of support to others and that putting myself out there for my own healing process leaves me feeling too vulnerable. I’ve recognising a great deal lately that isolating myself is never going to help, only hinder. It was isolating myself for years with this – hiding the truth of it that kept it going. I have decided to stick with it and write another post now thanks to you x

[lover of no contact]

Hi fizzylem,

Yes we all need each other. Its very hard to heal on our own. keep posting and reading the posts when you need to and when you can, and you will go from strength to strength. And you sharing your thoughts and feelings helps all us ladies on here, those of us still in the abusive relationship and trying to break free and those of us who have broken free from the abuser but are trying to heal and recover from past abuse.

My default pattern is to isolate and deal with the trauma from the thoughts in my own head and from books on my own. But I find its better if I come on here and connect with others and open my mind to their thoughts, perspectives and attitudes. My thinking became very distorted after being reared by an abusive mother and then marrying an abuser so I cannot always trust my thoughts. My thoughts can be hard on me and the voice of the abusers can be still influencing my actions. Coming on here keeps my mind open to other perspectives, attitudes and ways of thinking on situations/people.

Together we can make it! There is a collective strength from all the ladies on here.

[fizzylem]

Me too; I’m starting to see that the battle I had with my mother has played a part in why I almost accepted the abuse from my partner, I have always been wrong in her eyes, everything I do, how I want to live my life, she was very controlling, as soon as I was old enough I walked away from her. I didn’t get a childhood and no support and guidance in life at all – I’ve had to find my own way. I made the mistake of always trying to defend myself with my abuser – you’re wrong I am not this person you claim me to be, coupled with fighting for my daughter’s safety. My head feels like I’ve taken an emotional and mental battering – because it has for years. It’s worn me out LONC, this week, although I need to do some painting, and start gathering evidence together for some type of order (unsure which route to go yet), I have had nothing in me, I have got my daughter up and taken her to school and then collapsed on the sofa until it is time to collect her. I accept this is how it needs to be, but I am left with a case to compile, my career gone, financial difficulties, unable to work and when will I? I’m here in my recovery bubble knowing this will take time. But I do know that I can now look after my daughter in the best way, I have been doing an okish job through the tougher times, but now I am doing well, she is very well cared for once again and I can be the parent I want to be; and I am looking after myself, going to the gym, eating better; I’m also lucky to have a great deal of supportive friends. I know it will be ok – eventually. But it just feels seems so unfair today, like he’s got away with it. I’m here stuck in the mud and he’s onto his next victim. Keep feeling tears but I have never been one for a good cry, feels like it would do me good. I cant not trust my trust radar at all now, the thought of dating fills me with horror, so I know I have a lot of work to do on myself yet hey. You are right though, it really does help being on here to help re-gain perspective. Feeling more safe and peaceful now I’ve cut contact, stillness is needed huh after so much chaos and terror. Can’t help but wonder where I would be had I not met the b today though. I’ve lost so much of myself and life.

[Author]

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