If I say something what will happen

[Twisted Sister]

Hi all, I am finding it extremely difficult to avoid saying something to someone about my abuser. I am having anxiety palpitations because I’m scared what this person may do, but they are a source of help, and I can’t go into our current dire situation here, but this person could help us out of it, but I’ve said enough to get very close to actually saying it, without saying it. I don’t think I’m perhaps making much sense, but everything seems to have come to a crushing collision and I’ve no idea how to deal with it all anymore.

I shouldn’t say anything, but then what do I say to give context to our situation. OMG! I can’t take this stress.

[Darcy]

Hi beautiful Angel… Twisted Sister,
Firstly sit quietly and take a few deep breaths, and know that whenever you are feeling like this you can just go back to focusing on your breath for a few moments
You need to have a few grounding techniques in place so you are strong enough to face this
As regards to whether you tell anyone, why don’t you try telling us on the forum first as a run through if it would help
With anything in life I would always ask yourself ‘what is you intention?’
So in telling this person what is your intention? What do you want to happen and the outcome to be? What if you don’t get the exact out come, will that be OK to?
Also ask yourself, can you trust this person you are going to tell? It is a lot to put on someone else and no one person has all the answers. Also it is very difficult for people who have not experienced abuse to understand it. Will it put them in danger?
That said, and once considered, I would say do all you can to get yourself out of the awful situation you are in
Make sure you are strong and clear on what you want, otherwise you will only get sucked back … that’s what they are good at
Stay safe my darling
Sending you continued love and support
Darcy xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Darcy

thank you for your reply, no, sorry you’ve got me wrong, its probably my fault for nto speaking very clearly there, but I have been trying not to say anything. Its not my intention to tell anyone, this is just someone who can help us that is asking questions and I’ve allowed them close enough that they now feel able to ask more, and I don’t want to say, but that just looks weird that I am not answering them when they are reaching out to us. In reality, I should be thinking, if someone wants to offer help there’s got to be no strings attached, that its for free, but in relationships its all about the you share they share, you share a bit more they share a bit more in the normal run of things.

I find when I have a panic attack and it feels like I’ve been winded I don’t panic in trying ot breath,a nd instead concentrate in breathing out, which I find does help a lot. I’m sad to have had so many years of learning to manage extreme reactions, doesn’t stop them happening though.

I am not sure on the trust bit, this is the challenge, as I cannot predicthis reaction and worry that could end badly.

Generally doing very badly anyway at the moment, and many times been at the point of thinking I just can’t keep going as its too much.

[Scarecrow]

Hi Twisted Sister,

Darcy – you are so eloquent – and has given you some really good advice that i cannot expand on.

Please think about some techniques to ground you, it will help you see things in a clearer way.

And please, if you are able, post some or all of what you wanted to tell this other person, we are all here to support you and there will be no judgement at all.

Sending hugs,

S x

[Twisted Sister]

Thank you Scarecrow, I haven’t said so much so far, and now I worry if I say whats been happening they will get angry at what we’ve suffered as a result of the abuser, then want to address that with the abuser. thank you for saying that about no judgement it matters.

x

[searchingforhope]

Hi Twisted Sister

there are days that the walls just feel like they are falling in around me and I’m in a downward spiral and lose hope. But what Scarecrow and Darcy said is correct. Just breathe and try to settle yourself. It really sounds like you are in a spin. I get that. But take some time and do use hear as a sounding board, it might be a good first step.

Sending love
S x*x

[Twisted Sister]

thank you searchingforhope

Same, and yes, I can’t keep facing everything. Its too much. There is an overwhelming amount ot deal with and I can’t do it. I really can’t. This person really could pull us out of this mess, doesn’t mean they will. But some things are too much. Not everyone can manage all this. I seriously have worked so hard, have needed more help than is available and continually harrassed and intimidated (wont go into further on here). I cannot cope with it. x

[searchingforhope]

There are days that I feel like that, that I can’t take anymore and it’s all just too hard. I totally get it. I think even if you rang WA, and I know this is a difficult step in itself, but they may give you some advice and might help to speak what your thinking to someone else first. Could be like a practice run, see how you feel after that.
The first time I rang it was quite surreal, wasn’t sure what to say. But every person I spoke to was so kind and helpful and eventually recommended I contact my local service. Which has proved so helpful.
You can absolutely do this. Take it day by day, hour by hour and even minute by minute some days. But you will get there. Use the supports that are available to you in whatever form. That will well you through.

Sending you much strength and love xx

[Twisted Sister]

Thank you searchingforhope, for your very kind and strong words. Sorry you have days feeling this way too and I’m glad you found your call supportive. I didn’t think it was possible to ring WA? I thought it was only via a webchat, which I can’t do.

The trouble is finding support is nigh on impossible. Everyone is busy signposting to everyone else and that buck seems to not stop at anyone!

Everyone woman experiencing this horrific life of abuse and post-abuse recovery needs a lot of support, its the main thread running through all these posts, yet its such a challenging climate to access support at this time. A bit better now that covid restrictions mean there can be more face to face support, but still that is hard to find. I hope you have sufficient support and you can climb back up on your feet again. Women empowered, have so very much to offer the world and their close communities that the reward for investment in them is immeasurable, they litterally hold the threads of it together.

TS

[Pinkvelvet]

Stay strong Twisted Sister, you’ve given such great advice on other peoples posts. You’ve totally got this. It’s scary as hell going through this but you can do it!

If this person can potentially help you out of this situation, in totally black and white terms, that’s got to be worth considering right? In terms of repercussions… can you explain how delicately this needs to be handled, and also, that they absolutely cannot challenge the abuser or it could put you in harms way? You might be surprised how well people on the outside cope with the information. I’ve shared it with people and they’ve kept absolute integrity the whole time. People who know us both, in a professional setting (we met that way).

Praying you’re able to navigate this minefield and get the break you deserve x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Pinkvelvet

yes, you’re spot on there, its needs framing properly, so they know that any lifelines given can only be accepted if done a certain way. I say this often enough myself,

HELP IS ONLY HELP IF IT HELPS!!! (and help is different for each individual).

All too often help is offered in a way that doesn’t help, or causes further harm, and they don’t see this sadly we do, and have to live under it.

thank you

ts

[nbumblebee]

Hey, it took months of someone asking me what was wrong before i broke and spoke out. Do you know what happened? Nothing. I talked he listened then he directed me to a counsellor who i see.
It felt so good to talk to open up bit by bit and i still havent emptied it all out yet and its been (detail removed by moderator) these things take time. It so frightening to open up and asmit what you are going through most days you dont believe it yourself you dont want too I know I dont.
Deep down you know whats happening to you isnt right as you wouldnt be here It takes such courage to talk to someone open up but you need to sweetie you cant carry whatever is going on in your life on your own anymore, if someone is offering you help reach out and grab it.xx

[Twisted Sister]

oh thats so kind thank you. I know that he can be supportive, but I also know there’s a weird edge to him that I’m not sure I should trust, because he’s been a bit weird sexually, and also I’ve seen how enraged males can get and won’t listen to reason, or be stopped in their pursuit of revenge.

I am super grateful of all the replies I’ve had here and am thinking it through. Certainly a lot slower since the original panic, but today doesn’t look any brighter for it. I shall have to act in the next few days one way or another.

thanks again lovely x

[Hazlenut]

When we’re desperate and in our darkest times we may cling to light at the end of the tunnel that may not deliver what we need. The best help I received & still have, is police support. I would engage with professionals who are trained, rather than someone who may lead to more conflict

[Twisted Sister]

its good to hear your good experiences. We all have different experiences though sadly, and so this is why women desperately try to make what choices are left to them, or none!

You are very lucky, and thank you for your reply

ts

[Scarecrow]

HI Twisted Sister,

Would you be able to get away for long enough to meet someone – from a local domestic abuse service or would that be too difficult?

Just trying to think of a way that you can access support without having to rely on someone who could stand to make things harder for you,

S x

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Scarecrow

thanks for your thoughts. Its a bit different to that as I can get out, but no there is no DA service here for me. There was when I was in a different area, briefly. There just isn’t enough support, but I am not alone in that when I read many of the posts on here, but yes desperate times do drive women to desperate measures. I never thought to have found myself considering some of the things I’ve considered.

thanks for caring

ts

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