If it wasn’t for my kids I’d be gone!!

[Butterfly-Warrior]

I know what I have to do but why can I not just walk out.
Christmas is coming up and I would feel like a terrible mother if we had to stay in temp accommodation over the Christmas period, I normally have my tree up now and getting in the festive spirt but to cut a really long story short, we have to leave our current rented property as the landlady is selling our house.

My partner has taken it upon himself to apply for a house paid the fee and got a guarantor in place because of him my credit is awful, so now I cannot be named on the new property once again so will have no rights.
I really cannot stand being round this man and I have heard all the same lines, ‘(removed by moderator)’
This new property is quite far away from support network as my Mum and sister live close by, they have offered to take us in, but they live in a small (removed by moderator) house. I know they will be heartbroken when I tell them what he’s done.

You hear stories in the news about these people going missing but if it wasn’t for my kids, I would do the same 🙁

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Butterfly-Warrior

You have options to be with family over Christmas, and you might find its the best Christmas you ever had with your family, away from him.

This doesn’t make you a bad mother, it makes him a bad father. Its important to differentiate why you are doing this, who’s responsibie and needs to be accountable for their actions. You wouldn’t be even considering this if things weren’t so bad, because of him.

You need to do this for your children’s sake.

I have spent Christmases in a soitary bedroom, everything crammed in, and we decorated it all together, and we had our own Christmas, we also have met with family /friends, until covid hit.

There is no shame in having a different christmas to what you are used to, and I have seen the value of children being around a happy mum, and children not living under the continual threat of more violence or threats of, with constant tension.

Chirstmas isn’t about a house, four walls and a roof, its about the love of the family in it. Once you are away from him you will all be freer to express yourselves, and it sounds like you have a mother and sister who would be determined to make yours and your children’s Christmas a really special one.

I hope you will keep posting and talking through your worries and obstacles, especially if what you really want, is to leave, you can do this. Your family will embrace you and your children.

warmest wishes

ts

[Lisa]

Hi Butterfly-Warrior,

I can see Twister Sister has given some very thoughtful, helpful insight into your situation.

Understandably you are struggling to know what to do, or how best to move forward.

You can always talk over all your concerns in more detail with your local domestic abuse service , who can provide emotional support and go thorough all your options.

You mentioned you are in financial crisis because of your partner’s behaviour and have lost that autonomy. This is called financial abuse. The Financial Support Line for Victims of Domestic Abuse is a service specialising in the financial side of domestic abuse. Anyone who has experienced domestic abuse can call for one-off advice regarding debts, benefits and budgeting from the Financial Support Line, or self-refer for ongoing casework on 0808 196 8845 (Mon-Thurs 9am- 5pm).

StepChange are a debt charity, that provide free, confidential and expert debt advice and money guidance, recommend the best solution or service for your circumstances, support you while you deal with your money worries for as long as you need their help, and campaign on your behalf to reduce the risk of debt problems and the harm it causes. They are contactable on 0800 138 1111 (Mon-Fri 8am-8pm, Sat 8am-4pm) or live chat via the website.

Turn2Us help people access the money available to them – through welfare benefits, grants and other help based on your particular needs and circumstances. They operate a confidential helpline and, on their website, have an income-related benefits checker, enabling you to check that you are receiving all the welfare benefits you are entitled to. The website includes a grants search containing the details of hundreds of grant-giving charities that may be able to provide financial support, information and resources on a broad range of money matters to help you manage your finances. Contactable on 0808 802 2000 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm).

I hope this is useful to you. Do keep posting here to let us know how you are doing.

All the best,

Lisa

[Butterfly-Warrior]

Thanks both for your replies. I actually needed to hear a lot of what you said Twisted Sister. I can make Christmas special wherever we are and my kids will gain a happy mum.
It’s like he’s rushing this house through and agreed to meet the agent (removed by moderator) to exchange keys money and agreement so I will be seeing my mum this weekend and get some help as I know her and my sister will know how to go about this as I am that depressed I can’t even handle this alone.

Really appreciate the links and advice from you both.

Xx

[Twisted Sister]

May I be the first to wish you and your family a very Happy Christmas!

Be safe, and do things quietly so he won’t suspect, and you have your happy family christmas xx

warmest wishes

ts

[StrongLife]

I’m glad you got offers of a room.

I understand your feelings especially at Christmas time. Loans, financial control, not paying bills, making decisions without consulting you is controlling behaviour- decisions on houses are huge.

Can you call a help line or speak to your family?

[Author]

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