If only I could tell you this …

[Tuppance]

You said that it is hard for you. That you don’t understand it all (why I am ill ) – welcome to my world. You have absolutely no clue what I am going through, my thoughts and feelings. Even I cannot succinctly or adequately explain it. It’s like I am viewing my life through a different lens that takes me just one step removed.

Do you know what it’s like to fear the hatred of your own children even though you have lived your life nurturing them and protecting them the best way you could?
To blame yourself for the death of your child? – you cannot reason with this. It is maternal.
Do you know what it’s like to be sick of crying and yet it was an emotional release which I find hard to do now – there’s almost a catatonic mist that permeates me.
So now I am missing my emotions – at least they were real. Do you miss your emotions?
Do you know what it’s like to feel worthless?
Do you know how it feels to be belittled?
Have you any idea how tiring it is pretending to be happy and positive?
Do you recognise the person that stands before you in the mirror? To see yourself as a stranger who you don’t know anymore – whom you despise because of her weakness?
Do you ever think about how much you hate yourself for not speaking up, for not standing up for yourself until you literally cracked? And then hating yourself for the hurt you caused trying to stand up for yourself? And then being told that if only your partner had stood up for herself then we wouldn’t be in this mess? Like it is DOUBLY my fault. To be blamed for the effect that your partners actions have had – and little mention of the freedom of choice he had. He chose those words, those actions – they were not forced upon him.

Cause and effect. Action and reaction.

Misdirected anger, insults, abuse, control, belittling has given you an ugly quality I never would have dreamed you could have, all those years ago.

[lover of no contact]

Hi Tuppance,

It was huge emotional pain for me, my heart literally froze from the terror when I realized my abuser was doing his utmost to alienate my children from me and he was succeeding with 2 of them. Like you, my children were my life. Everything I had done was for them, I had given my all as a mother and here they were being ‘led astray’ emotionally from me, by him.

Things were very bad between my children and I but the strategy of No Contact helped me. Me away from him meant that I came back to myself. The ‘strong me’ surfaced again. The ‘bubbly, full of life me’ rose to the surface. The capable me.

With him I was as you describe so well. I felt so weak, so worthless. I was weakened by the abuse. My mind and emotions were in a mess and my life was unmanageable. I was a shell of myself. Like you I couldn’t speak up for myself when belittled, shouted at, verbally abused. I also couldn’t stand up for myself. That made me feel weak. But actually looking back it was a just my way of surviving and ‘managing the emotionally violent environment’ for my children and I. I suppose I knew how not to make a bad situation worse. Being compliant, submissive and doing as I was told were the behaviours I adopted to cope.

I remember my aunt saying to me that maybe if I had stood up for myself more he wouldn’t have treated me as bad as he did. That comment hurt me too. That’s rubbish! They are who they are. Us standing up to them would only give us an illusion that what we said and did could make a difference. It wouldn’t. In fact in some cases it could make things worse.

The only speaking up or standing up for myself that is necessary for abusers are ‘Its over (our abusive relationship) ‘you go!’ or ‘I’m going!’.

And the only standing up should have been to stand up to leave…for good.

[Tuppance]

I agree completely. I think he would be mortified if I called him an abuser – he just doesn’t get it.
I am not too up to date with your situation but did it work out with your kids in the end ? Were they ok with the separation ? X

[lover of no contact]

Yes my children are fine with me now. He still bad-mouths me to them whenever he can but he has lost the power to influence them too much the way he did before when we were in contact. Because we are separate he has lost his power over me (mainly, although he still abuses me financially) and so my children are dealing with me healing, as opposed to dealing with me being abused.

Its not perfect but the damage between the children and I is less. One of my children would be more influenced by her dad than the others and sometimes her attitude towards me is not good, she uses sarcasm and has that haughty attitude which she learnt from him. But shes not as bad as she used to be.

The main thing is to end the abusive relationship. If I hadn’t of ended the abusive relationship I would have definitely been emotionally alienated from a few of my children now. Getting out saved my relationships with them and of course saved my own mental health.

You are on the right path. Small steps every day along the path of living a life free from abuse. Leaving is a process. Small steps. Keep posting for strength.

[Healthyarchive]

I would like to tell my ex this:

Before I met him I held down a difficult job for many years, was independent, mainly happy and believed I was successful. When I got together with him my anxiety and insecurity skyrocketed and this was because of him. Now that I am without him I am happy, free and no long insecure, anxious or walking on eggs shells. Funny that isn’t it. They should take responsibility, the blame rests at their feet. Its called mind games, manipulation, gas lighting, blame etc etc.

[Author]

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