If this overthinking because of abuse?

[Eve1]

My son is home from uni. He doesn’t stay at home he stays with his girlfriend at her parents, which is a bit sad about but I can’t make him do anything at his age really and I don’t want to guilt him into staying with us. I think he would stay if she would stay here but she apparently doesn’t want to. Anyway, when I dropped him off there after driving him home from uni, I was offered a cup of tea which I went in for. I probably shouldn’t because I still feel not quite with it from the tablets, and tired from the driving. They are friendly enough though, so it was ok. But afterwards, I just kept thinking about how the parents are and my son’s girlfriend and other children. She has said to my son that her dad has’a problem with anger’, which is a bit of a red flag. He is very jovial and a bit dominant, but the mum doesn’t seem like a doormat. They really like my son, he is generally a lovely lad. His girlfriend never seems to say anything genuinely nice to him though, lots of digs and little criticisms in the form of jokes. She’s also complained about her mum not talking carrying about her. I don’t know if this is true or just teenage complaining.I don’t know if I’m reading too much into this and seeing potential abuse where there may be none. I know it’s something I do, I think you can’t help but look for it once you’ve experienced it yourself.
Eve
x

[Eve1]

Typos, ‘talking carrying’ should be ‘ really caring’

[mixed-up mum]

Eve its natural for any mam to be protective about her kids, and worry about them – no matter WHAT age they are.

When your kids have grown up in a controlling environment, with a domineering father, you just don’t want them to have to go through that with their own partner – so naturally you are (and always will be) on the lookout for signs of control, or abusive behaviour.
Just like you would be if you had a new partner yourself – you would be on the lookout for the first signs…..

In any relationship there is often a more dominant person and a more submissive person – it may be very subtle – but that often is the way. You will have one person who says what the want to do and and the other will just go along with it, eg your son’s partner wants to live with HER parents and not with you – he chose (for whatever reason – who knows) to let her have her way…..and do what she wants.

BUT in ANY relationship its not healthy if it’s the one person getting everything their own way ALL the time – in a good equally balanced relationship there has to be give and take.

For example at Christmas time – they will want to be together – but each will also want to be with their own families too – so they will have to come to a fair compromise.

I wonder how your son feels about the digs and criticisms that she makes aimed at him (but in the form of ‘jokes’) if it is bothering him then – it may be that they are just not really that compatible – and at this age the often have very intense, but quite short relationships – she’s just possibly not ‘THE ONE’ for him – time will tell….
But I will say if they are in the early stages of their relationship they should still be all lovey-dovey and not ‘picking’ at one another.

Will he talk to you and tell you how he feels?

Just keep an eye out for tell-tale signs – it can do no harm – and you will naturally want to keep an eye on your kids and protect them – every m**s natural instinct.

x*x

[mixed-up mum]

Hiya Eve how you doing today?

x*x

[Eve1]

Hi M.U.M,

I’m tired today! But I’m sleeping better, the tiredness is from the tablets and also because I’ve been to my’job search’ session. They’re not bad there quite motivational, by but todayi feel quite despondent. And now I’m home I feel too tired to carry on with job applications. Plus my daughter just texted me. She’s had a ‘massive panic attack’ and is exhausted and wants me to come and get her. I’ve just rung school. I don’t know if they’ll let me get her or not. She’s not happy at the moment. Plus this weekend she’s eaten mostly junk food (I don’t usually let her much but it just worked out like that), and she gets hardly any exercise at the moment. I think those things make a difference. Usually I’m on top of both things but I’m not at the moment.
Thank you for your thoughts about my son. I haven’t heard from him yet this week, but he is coming round on his own one day, so I’ll have a chat with him then. I just want him to know he can talk to me about anything if he wants to.
Hope you’re doing OK.
Eve
x

[Author]

Posts