Tagged: Getting better
22nd May 2016 at 2:35 pm #17756
I honestly feel that the last few years of my life have been a huge mistake & i made a very poor choice with who I got involved with. I have had nothing but sadness, tears,depression, mind games for much of the last (removed by moderator) years, I do wish I had never met him. I am on holiday right now & have such awful sadness that we have split, I was all alone and close to tears just now. I have been reading the Power Of Now which is really great. It suggests considering if you are defensive about anything at the moment, i came & looked up the word defensive, it included protecting yourself as a former of being defensite. I realised that I blocked his relative who I got on ok with. I did this to preserve my mental wellbeing, I told her clearly what was going on for me & why I had done it & i was in no way spiteful or dismissive. Her relative (my ex)caused me such damage i could see no other way. After reading what The Power of Now recommended I have tried to unblock her,so that I am not longer defensive. I think that she has done something to her email account to prevent me from mailing her. This is a b**w to me. I have had nothing but grief from him, now it appears his family as well. She seemed to be OK with me a few weeks ago. Why can’t people just be normal & not play mind games? Or maybe I am being unreasonable expecting her to be available when I am ready. I have also unblocked my ex & his relative from texting me, purely as a way of addressing my defensiveness, I have no urgency to contact him as my life with him was (removed by moderator) 😩
22nd May 2016 at 2:56 pm #17760MillionpiecesParticipant
Since I am in NC I try not to contact them, yet I did text one of his family that I am going to court, she didn’t replay what so ever. And at first it was sad, feeling that they don’t understand my situation but then I move on. They don’t want to get involved so it’s their right, and to get my life back is my right.
I am sad, miserable and still missing him but I can’t stop it so I accept it. I accept that I do live him and still love him in some way until whenever I fee that way my power only not to try again bcoz I know how much I tried and there’s no point to get back with him. Since I’m in NC I comes to sense that be with him it’s just cause me so much pain and the fact that I become the person I don’t like I know that I have to put stop to it. At this time it’s work but I don’t know what happen tomorrow, next day, next week or even next year, what really matter is this time, my present.
I just want to give my self chance to find my self again and to look my future man with no expectations. But if I get back to him I don’t have that chance, I will be back where I belong which I don’t like, so let’s the future brings what’s there for me. Even I do realise my future might not be like fairytale but at least will be different story.
22nd May 2016 at 3:04 pm #17762
Thanks MP.I feel that I made a mistake getting together with him at all as from the beginning it has mainly been negative & upsetting for me,even now I feel miserable & he is the cause. Good luck at court. X☺
22nd May 2016 at 3:14 pm #17765MillionpiecesParticipant
I feel so angry to my self if I think back those years I spent with him, I feel so sick realise I let that happen far so long. I wasted my life,my passion for nothing all gone to the drain, it’s so upsetting.
22nd May 2016 at 3:41 pm #17770
I have read The Power of Now.
I think that with people who are not too dangerous, there is no need to block. It is possible to be assertive and keep boundaries
Thing about stealthy and underhand abusers is, they might get to you in ways without you realising before it’s too late.
They can also use relatives and friends as messengers, or manipulate them to do their bidding it glean information about you.
With covert abusers, I think enforced NC is a must.
I think we can wish people well whilst moving on from them, like his relative. I liked my ex’s mum- but I doubt I will ever see her again. I also liked his sister and her husband.
I think we can ‘release’ people from our lives without needing to have closure with all of them.
23rd May 2016 at 12:21 am #17810
Thank you for your comments, I am reasonably sure that me unblocking them has been done to release some anger i am holding rather than because I want to get back together. I am saying to myself “you do not have such power or importance to me & i can go about my life whatever you do”. If it comes to a time where I am sat looking at my phone or email inbox in sadness & desperation then I can always reblock them.
23rd May 2016 at 12:56 am #17816SaharaDParticipant
I agree with Serenity. The Power of Now deals with average situations and people.
Not abusive people and situations.
I mean would you unblock a psychopath. Why would you give them any access or any way to your person.
You have every right to be defensive and angry.
Don’t try to run before you can crawl.
Do not try to negate your emotions. It will only cause more problems later.
I suggest reading self help book specifically to do with domestic abuse.
23rd May 2016 at 6:32 am #17817
Sahara, thank you so much for your comments, I had not considered that the book only referred to general situations etc. I will see how I feel in the next month or so, I have not unblocked him from mailing me so he can’t do that,it is only my mobile that I have unblocked. I honestly don’t feel any urge to make any contact so I believe I am safe & even if I did hear from him or anybody that he knows, I know that I would not want to resume things. If I start feeling edgy,uncomfortable, craving or deep sadness I will just ditch my mobile & get a brand new no. I have held off all contact now for almost 3 months without much difficultly. I no longer have his phone no.either.
23rd May 2016 at 6:56 am #17819
I agree, Sahara. That’s what I meant to say- Echhart Tolle wasn’t describing abusive situations. He wasn’t describing the dangerous situation of being acquainted with a psychopath.
I think there are so many great books out there which can be useful in life- but which need to be used for other situations than dealing with a dangerous abuser who has deeply traumatised you to the point of trauma bonding.
HA: you say that the second you begin to react negatively, you will take action, but you may have already started to have felt traumatised and weakened by then.
I agree with Sahara that you have every right to be defensive and angry. In fact, feeling angry and defensive is an important part of the healing process.
I love it when I read ladies in this forum expressing eventual anger with their a user. It signifies them rising up from the self-blaming and victim state. As a friend said to me, “You know you’re getting better when you start to feel angry with him.”
Defensiveness? I would rephrase it and say Self-Protection. As I wrote in my redouble to Eve’s post, it is only when we realise who we are and what we need and what our rights are, and we are determined to protect those rights against others who try to ignore or manipulate those rights, and when we are prepared to defend those rights and are determined to never let anyone try to make us lose ourselves again, that we are ready for another relationship.
I say, defend your own self like a lioness defends her cubs and like we defend our own children. Defence all the way.
And No Contact ( with a clever and covert abuser who affects you so badly, or his relatives) is essential, because with them there is the drip drip of abuse Theough clever ta tics, so you do t realise until it’s too late. They gaslight you into thinking things aren’t abuse, when in fact they are. By then, they have affected you again and the poison has crept under your skin and entered your bloodstream. This is the point of No Contact. These mental and emotional abusers are dangerous. x
23rd May 2016 at 9:28 am #17827
Serenity & Sahara,thank you for your words. I am just thinking about what to write,but in the meantime please can you tell me if you feel that his silence since we split /moving on/letting go or deliberate silent treatment(abusive) are continual methods of abuse towards me or whether you feel that he has just done what normal people do when a relationship ends,sever ties & move on. It is hard for me to explain why I have to ask this question,i have had relationships before which end,there is normally some bad feeling somewhere but both parties go there separate ways, there is certainly none of this longing, thinking & sadness for months after. For some reason with him it is different, it is like he has deliberately restricted my life though I chose to end it & we see nor speak anymore.
23rd May 2016 at 1:30 pm #17838
It could be for any number of reasons, such as hurt pride, but if he is an abuser and follows the pattern, I wouldn’t put it past him trying to ‘hoover you up’ at some later date. Some take months, some even get back in touch years later, and cause chaos all over again.
You are finding it hard to reach closure because how he behaved in the relationship seemed to go against what you thought love was meant to look like when it was expressed within a relationship. It left you hurt and confused. You are searching for answers to questions which your humanness is protesting against. But the reasons are too complex, and even if you knew the ‘Why’ you couldn’t find the solution, as he holds they key to any solution.
I think it helps to learn about the tactics of abusers. It helps us to identify them, to deal with them and to realise it’s not us- that they are all the same.
But at the end of the day, once we realise who they are, we can’t do much else than to protect ourselves and heal, and that necessarily involves distancing ourselves from their toxic behaviour.
23rd May 2016 at 1:50 pm #17839
Thanks for your feedback, I really wish i never met him as for (removed by moderator) years now I, ve had amazing highs but mainly depressing lows, confusion & grief,it has been more painful than when a close family member died. I think that he was good with words,finding out my likes & dislikes & then molding himself into those so that I thought that I had met my soulmate, but in reality it was all pretence, an act he was putting on. I have thought recently that I have had some big challenges in my life each of which I have overcome, this will be one of those. Serenity what happened when your ex left? You said it was an awful act of abandonment.
23rd May 2016 at 2:33 pm #17841
Yes, he waited until I was in a very vulnerable position -naked- to walk out and callously said he just wanted to ‘reshuffle his life.’
I was blindsided. No discussion, no conversation, just ‘his orders.’ As usual, my thoughts and my voice was not important.
Then he tried to make be homeless and turn my kids against me. He wanted me to have nothing.
A bit like those psychopaths topple political regimes or crash planes or calculatedly set out to destroy something with the finest detail- so there is a massive explosion at the end, and no one had a clue.
I had forgiven him so much. I had been committed to the monster, made it my work to ‘heal him.’
A few weeks later, he was seen with a woman who appeared to be affected by drugs. Then I found he had lined up all his soldiers by siphoning money away. I found hidden bank accounts. It all made sense: I was just a plaything for that evil man.
He would t leave me alone either- constant threats to give him very thing, cruelty, harassment, etc. He even crept into the house and my bedroom ( long story ). I changed the locks. That brought fresh threats with it!
But I think he will try to destroy the next woman too. Apparently, she is already doing his errands for him, like a maidservant, whilst he sits on his laurels like he is royalty.
24th May 2016 at 1:47 am #17858
I am sorry this happened to you.x
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