- This topic has 38 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 3 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
I have read here some struggling to get support, and I don’t think they are to blame, but I cant stop feeling that the reason Im not getting desperately needed support is because Im not believed or that it was my fault.
I also read that some are getting good support, whats making the difference is it those that are not believed or blamed for pushing their husbands to hate and harm them?
-
I wish I had a magic wand that would enable all of us to believed and be supported regardless of whom our abuser is – partner, sibling or parent. The issue is that these men hate themselves and need to put down others to make themselves feel better. Only this doesn’t work so they have to increase the level of abuse to make us feel worse, more distressed or upset. And of course they never believe they have any issues and so shift the responsibility for causing their problems onto someone else.
I’m sure there are several factors at play such as how experienced the therapist or social worker is and whether they themselves have experienced similar abuse and so can identify with us. Perhaps how vulnerable we come across influences how others view us? I’ve received several pieces of hate mail from an abusive parent in recent years but have yet to shed a single tear in response to the distress it causes. Externally it appears that it’s not had any effect as I’m still able to achieve things, but the cumulative effect is taking its toll on my mental health.
This forum is fantastic as there’s always support here. Thanks to you all, and welcome to the newbies who have signed up over the festive period. We are always here for you 🙂
-
I always wonder what I did to deserve the lack of support that I received. When I was in a refuge, me and the woman I was living with would sit there for hours trying to come up with reasons that we weren’t being supported. In my case, it seemed like as soon as anyone found out that I had savings and didn’t have kids, they decided that I didn’t need any support (even though I was assessed as high risk). One support worker definitely blamed me for what my Husband did, saying that I was stupid for marrying him in the first place. Another support worker asked whether he left any marks when he strangled me and when I said no, she completely dismissed it, as if if didn’t matter just because it didn’t leave a mark. The only emotional support I received was a fridge magnet with the number for the Samaritans on it, and one support worker who hugged me and told me I was too skinny and needed to eat more. The whole time that I was in the refuge I only saw a support worker twice and when I left I was referred to an IDVA, who I spoke to once in person and about 4 times over the phone, before she sent me a text saying she’d closed my case. She encouraged me to go to the police, then stopped talking to me halfway through the investigation, leaving me completely on my own. My biggest regret in all of this is that I chose that particular refuge, as it was just me and one other person living there (one night I was left there completely on my own), so we were forgotten about. I think if I’d gone to a bigger refuge then there would have been more support.
-
No I dont think so – people don’t drive others to hate, the person hateful is responsible for their own thoughts, feelings and actions.
It’s more that there is human error, no consistancy in care and help, different levels of understanding and training re what is abuse. Unless the professional in front of you has been trained and has a working knowledge (comes into contact with victims of abuse most working days) or has experienced abuse themselves – it’s complex and most people just dont get it, get the effects or what it does to a person, get how someone can abuse another.
Alot of people ‘falsely assume’ it is a ‘dispute’, that we are equally responsible for the success or faliure of a relationship, only it isnt when there is abuse, it is his behaviour that causes the relationship to eventually end / fail.
It takes a while to find the right people to help and support and everyone needs a team of support, the GP, police, solictor, friends, therapit, WA support worker, other agency workers etc.
Another part of the problem is that public services are under funded in healthcare, the police and so on, experience is no longer valued, staff are young and cheaper and they learn not to question superiority – just get on and do the job they are instructed to do – this leads to errors, people slipping through the net, people not responded to correctly, incidents not written up correctly, people left unsupported, people in need. The nations workforce has been dumbed down over the last decade, there’s no room for dealing with special cases, only those that fit the criteria, there’s no room for hunches or going the extra mile for someone. A lack of funding also means a lack of quality training. Public services training has been stripped down to the bare minimum to meet the requirements only. Its rae today to find profs with experience – which is evry much needed when supporting victims of abuse. This also means that the charities are bursting and over capacity too – as they are picking up more work.
Sadly, it’s the way of the world, if you have money you can get the best care hey. Means the rest of us have to just keep knocking doors until we find the people we need x
-
I agree, but would like to point out that having money doesn’t necessarily lead to the best care. I had to pay nearly £1000 to stay in a refuge and was constantly made to feel like I didn’t deserve to be there because people thought that I could have rented a flat and moved there instead (I couldn’t as my Husband tracked my every movement, it would have been impossible to rent a flat without him noticing, so Women’s Aid persuaded me to go to a refuge). I feel like I’ve received less support than I needed because I’m not eligible for benefits. A lot of professionals seem to think that money solves everything, but what I really needed (and still do) is support x
-
-
What a reality check!
I wish those thinking they are being supportive could read these threads and reqlly learn what women need to be safe and recover.
Due to lack of it there are times I just want to die, as its all too hard. Yes, life’s tough at times but when it get too hard people need to step up or let you die, prevent you from dying whilst denying you the support to live usefully.
My x loved himself, he was above any domestic work my money didn’t matter like his. His career mattered my money was considered spare change and not serious money.
His money was not for his children. They suffer, he feathers his own nest.
Its a sorry sad state. I wonder how they decide who to believe and who not to believe.
I am sorry there are others feeling left alone with abuse.
-
-
I don’t know how they decide who to believe either. The police seemed to believe me even though there wasn’t a lot of evidence, but they didn’t seem to believe the woman I was living with, even though she had serious injuries and a lot of other evidence. I think it just depends on which professionals are involved, some are better than others. In terms of paying for support, I’m paying for counselling but it’s not helping very much. I’m also about to start a support group which I had to pay for, but there was only one group that I could afford, the rest were over £500. My other local domestic abuse charity refused to help me whether I paid for it or not. The main thing I need is support from friends and family, but unfortunately money can’t buy that. I’ve done the Freedom programme online as they don’t offer it in my area, but I didn’t find it very helpful to be honest, although the follow on programme was really helpful, I think it’s called the Freedom Forever programme. I think I would have found it helpful if I was able to go to an actual group instead of doing it online, but my nearest one was over an hour away. I hope you’re able to get some support soon and things start to get better xx
-
-
Its so good talking to you, although sad to hear you didnt ans haven’t got support either.
My gp has been fighting to get proper support in place. Im fed up with trying to get help from domestic abuse services. I dont know how they decide who they believe or support but if others are anything like me they do a lot of harm to any they dont believe or support.
Its sad you talked both talked about why you stop getting support.
If it’s happened for both of you and me and it didn’t take long to find at least three of us and others that ive heard say it, I wonder why these abuse service workers are doing these jobs when they abandon women this way.
Do you think they don’t believe tou, or that you somehow asked for it, like the woman suffering violence yet ignored not having marks.
Its so bad.
Whatever all the money is being spent on its not working as just as many women are still being killed or suffering, and their children.
I hope my gp can come up with something soon.
-
I don’t really know whether it was that they didn’t believe me or that I asked for it. I felt like they believed me but as the support worker had been through domestic abuse herself and the woman I was living with had experienced much more serious abuse than I had, I felt that maybe they felt that my situation wasn’t as bad as theirs. I think the fact that I don’t have kids and I’m not on benefits reduced the amount of support I got as well. I stopped asking for help months ago (apart from the support group that I’ll be going to) as it got to the point where I would lay in bed crying for days every time I spoke to anyone from any support service. I still panic whenever I get a call from a private number. Ironically, when I was in the refuge the couple next door were in an abusive relationship, we even had to call the police one night. During the day I could avoid listening to it by going out but at night I would lie there nearly every night absolutely terrified, listening to him scream at his partner, saying all the same things that my Husband used to say to me. I’m shaking now just thinking about it. We mentioned it to the support worker so many times but they weren’t bothered at all. I feel bad posting about the lack of support because I don’t want to discourage other people from leaving (although I haven’t had much support, I’m still much better off than I was before I left), but at the same time I often feel like I must have done something wrong to be treated that way, so it helps hearing that I’m not the only one. Hopefully your GP can sort out some support for you, you deserve to be supported xx
-
I can really relate to your experiences. My DA worker joked that her and her colleague didn’t think I’d be back to the support group…..if it was so obvious that I was withdrawn and uncomfortable why on earth didn’t she phone me to make sure I was ok…..and I wasn’t ok, I was falling apart. It was 2 strangers and a out of hours mental health person that gave me enough faith to continue living.
There is nowhere near enough funding for these services and the people that do these jobs must feel it’s never ending. Perhaps they’ve become desensitised to it all.
I’ll echo the sentiment about this forum…..thank goodness for you ladies.
Xx-
I had a similar experience, a support worker told her colleague (behind my back) that talking to me was like trying to get blood out of a stone. She didn’t think that maybe it takes a long time for me to trust people enough to talk to them and I’d only met her once. Sorry ssid, I feel like I’m taking over your post now, it’s just that the lack of support has been nearly as difficult to process as the abuse and I rarely hear of anyone else experiencing the same thing so it makes me feel a bit less alone xx
-
-
You are adding so much to this thread.
Its really opening my eyes to the experiences that some get and its heartbreaking.
Noone should walk away from Services feeling this way, I have too.
You’ve been really open and honest and it really does help to hear it because although it’s horrible its happened to anyone else I dont feel so alone and its very brave for you to say your experiences,tha k you.
I’m so sorry youve had that happen.
Even now I cant say things I think I have lost touch with myself or how to trust others anymore.
-
-
SSID, it’s important you always stand in your truth – whether you are believed or not by the perosn in front of you. Its overwhelming the first time you feel heard, listened to, believed, it’s dreadful when you walk away feeling not believed, missed, misunderstood, not responded to. Regardless, you know what happened and you know it was wrong. If you are not happy with the service you have had from one person, ask to see someone else or try elsewhere; sadly it does take time to shape our support and establish what we need and from whom. I’m a few years out now and have a great support network, a team of people I can turn to, but in the very begining I felt completely alone and isolated, with no one. Thing is only you can work out what you need and when and find who that is to help x
-
-
What really gets to me is knowing that there are other women living near me that feel isolated and alone in dealing with the abuse and it’s aftermath. I’ve been out now for a while and managed to drag myself over the first few months but it would have been so much nicer to have had others to be around that got it. If I knew how to set up a support group I would.
I’m so sorry you’re both having to cope with everything by yourselves, if I could have coffee with you I would. Xx
-
I’m on my second solictor, the first was not right for me, she seemed to get high and feed off the court room drama, left me nervous, the one I have now is calm, rational, fair, personable, gets it.
Have seen around 8 therpsits and stuck with about 3. One for 18 mths – helped me no end – couldn’t have got here without him. Yes I paid for this, quality therapy is out there but harder to find if you go via the NHS or a charity – means you have to be strong enough to be able to recognise this isnt working for me – I need to see someone else; paying for therapy often leads to a better choice of quality, but you still need to navigate this, make sure it’s right for you, as there also some poor private therapists; also, what works for one person might not work for the next – a strong, therapuetic match between client and therapist is needed. Experience is often most helpful, someone who has worked with trauma and domestic abuse for several years a must. I’ve seen private, NHS and charity, all have been helpful and given a piece of the jigsaw. Thing with NHS is time limited, so will only give you a small bit of what you need.
I’ve found one helpful GP in around 11 I’ve seen. Think I struck lucky with my WA support worker from the local charity – she’s been great.
Also, other things that help is self care and joining groups like meditation and yoga, or activties – these meet your needs too. I paid for a health coach once to help me get my health back on track – felt this was money well spent.
I do have friends who get it as well though, and friends who dont get it but thats ok, I see these people for a break from it, which is equally needed, and my family’s support – took them a few years to see it as abuse, wasn’t until I finally got their support I realsied I’d been coping without it for such a long time. Does make a difference, so dont give up trying to get this support, but also learn to recognise it’s ok to stop trying and take a break from them until you do – if you feel more drained and upset than supported when seeing them.
So yes, it’s a team and it takes time to find the right people to co manage each department with you – you’ve got a lot of people to interview for each post, so work out what you need now and do one at a time, as you need it x
-
Wow Fizzy! I had never thought of it as filling posts! What a helpful way to look at it!!
And I’ve never heard of a health coach….I’m going to look into that as one of those could be money really well spent on recovering and getting better body wise as well as mentally. My health is really poor due to the stress and anxiety.
Huge hugs of thank yous! Xx
-
Impressive strength and resilience, and great advice fizzylem.
I wish all therapists and legals and medics would be stating this ethical approach for vulnerable women needing support. I mean pointing out the key things that mean it is support.
Imany women fall by the wayside and feel hopeless as a result of very poor or even absent support. I know I have because I haven’t been able to be as strong as others.
The ‘we believe you’ thing is trashed each time a vulnerable abused woman is failed by services.
I admire your strength greatly fizzylem. I wonder if it takes knowledge and self belief to get to that point which I don’t have, certainly not of the law or how lawyers should behave, or therapists for that matter.
If they all had to repeat a code of conduct clearly abuse victims might stand a better chance. I did have a very helpful therapist a while ago that did this and it really made me think about the ways in which the therapy could be helping and the ways in which it didn’t.
Good luck with your interviews escapee😊
-
I found a Health Coach near me but alas, he didn’t get past the résumé stage 😘
Not only did he have exceedingly high salary expectations but he sounded like I would pushed to chasing him with my rolling pin, with crazy hair and an even crazier expression before I locked myself away in a dark cupboard and reassured myself that world was a much simpler place! 😂
-
Cant help but chuckle at how you’ve descibed him E; good for you for ‘interviewing’ him and deciding – nah! Next. I find that those professionals who are more on the money than the care is a very good way at sifting through the trash – it’s a red flag for me x
PS, I paid £50 for 1.5 hours but she often ran over to nearer 2 and wouldn’t hear of taking any extra – what was important to her was that I got what I needed, that she was able to impart the info; she also knew I was on a low income / benefits. I had around 5 sessions in total; but I can also access her blog and on-going support if I ever have a question. She was London based and we skyped – opens the field somewhat if you can do this – didnt like the thought of this at first, but after one I realsied it was fine x
-
If I recall, apart from WA, I think it was Victim Support who first took me seriously, I felt really understood, and that they get it, get me – made me cry. Maybe you need to experience this a few times to help you build confidence and gain clarity SSID? I know it helped me, being believed, being taken seriously.
Yes knowledge helps, thinking it was out of shear desperation though more than self belief to begin with, but yes, now, I am clear about what happened and why and why it was / is so very wrong; and the effects it has had on me, my child, my famly, friends, life. Maybe this is where you need to start SSID, more calls to WA helpline and Victim Support for now? Another good one when I feel overwhelmed and emotional is the Samaritians, such a good listening ear, gives you the space to exspress it, get it all out and they help you to work out what needs to happen next; but sometimes just expressing it all out loud is all you need that evening, so you can let it go and get some sleep! Dont know about you but all this has really messed with my sleep – so imporatnt we get a good nights sleep isnt it, or we struggle to function and I have had plenty of sleepless nights worrying and feeling anxious.
You will get there, I can hear it in your voice, you are a survivor, and at the begining, a bit further on than at the starting place though maybe as you’ve been sifting through some profs – this will be helping you to think more about what it is you need.
Sending you the story of the donkey down the well, to make you smile, I like it because it shows us where you are ‘just now’, and how to build resiliance by just keep going xx
-
-
Sorry you didn’t find a suitable one first hit, and yes, coaches expect huge amounts from what ive seen.
How can I ever found out what happened. Why I wasnt believed. I thinknita going to haunt me forever, and I think that because I cant seem to undo my thinking that they know better than me.
They screwed me over so bad instead of supporting me.
Am I even allowed to say this. I’ll probably get locked out or something for saying some do it really badly.
Maybe I deserve that.
-
-
Hi there ssid, I wanted to offer you some support this morning. I am sorry to hear about this, it is not acceptable that you think that going back to your ex-partner would be a better option. I am so sorry that you haven’t received the support you deserve from a domestic abuse service. I do hope that your GP is able to ensure you access the support you need.
You mentioned the Freedom programme in an earlier post, you can find out more here.
You could also contact Women’s Aid through the Live Chat, a support worker could offer some support.
Best wishes
Lisa
-
Donkey in the Well – author unknown
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be filled in anyway, it just wasn’t worth it, trying to save the donkey.
He asked all his neighbours to come over and help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to throw dirt down into the well. The donkey realised what was happening and cried terribly, but then, to everyone’s amazement, the sound of the cries stopped.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit the donkey, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would ‘shake it off and step on it’. As the farmer’s neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he repeated the exercise.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up and over the edge of the well – and trotted off!
________________________________________
Moral
Life is going to shovel dirt on you. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and step on it, use each of our troubles as a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells if we never give up. I think the donkey shows us what to do when we do not know; how to develop the resilience we all need for life. -
Ssid, please, please don’t give in. You have been so strong and brave. Stuff everyone else….do this for you, because you deserve so much better and you are worth so much more than being with a man who abuses you xxxx
Fizzy – that is an absolutely brilliant story – thank you for sharing it. Let’s all rock that donkey! X*x
-
I have shovelled tons of dirt, I can deal with that, and have, but it different when the dirt turns to rocks that crack your head open and cause permanent damage.
I would love to believe that I deserve better, but its been made very clear I don’t, by those apparently in the know. The experts in this. All is lost, all is pointless, as I will be hounded until the end and noone can help me.
There is insufficient help of the type I need. There’s insufficient help of the type anyone needs. Nothing seems to make a difference to the levels of abuse going on to women and children.
I do really appreciate all the supportive words though,thank you very much. I don’t believe the chat would want to help me with any questions, they need to give their time to women who are living with abusers.
Nothing samaritans can do either. They don’t understand.
Like many say, its often only those that have been through it that get it.
-
it sounds like your self esteem is so low and your genuinely feel you dont deserve any help. abuse leaves us feeling like this – i still feel unworthy at times but it is down to conditioning. it took me along time to get past feeling like this. a good book that changed my mind was the secret. its quite a famous book and its based on all the people who have acheived what some people think is unatainable. it says that you have to beleive in what your cause is. even if you pretend to beleive at first this will come. it sounds daft but the law of attraction is very powerful. xxxx
-
He must be l***o. He gets away again and I’m slurred and taunted, mistrusted and unbelieved.
Police don’t give a d**n and have swallowed it all
They don’t have the resources anyway.You hear time and again that even when women are covered in evidence men get off. I didn’t even tell anyone, show anyone anything, understand what was happening. How could I not even understand, you see stupid, like he said
Stupid and boring and controlling b***h -
-
-
It isn’t irrelevant and you’re not irrelevant!
You know what you have been through and the woman or women that enter a relationship with your OH will go through it too. Hopefully they too will contact the police and the truth will finally come out.
I think that all the support services are overwhelmed. It’s really awful when we don’t get support when we’re crying out for it. But there are some good people out there for me I found one at the job centre, my GP and nurse practitioner, my therapist, a random support worker that had no reason to help as she was involved in something completely different to the boxes I ticked, a job coach and a poor shop assistant that happened to be too nice to me when I was on the edge! Oh and The Samaritans man and a mental health worker. They are out there, it’s just when you are shut behind closed doors and you allow yourself to think too much it all comes crashing down on you…….it does get better, slowly, but it does.
-
-
I believe you SSID; it’s so very obvious to me the way you are so down on yourself, everyone and everything, falsely believing this is my lot and I dont deserve anything else – no one gets to this point without having been abused. This is his voice not yours, maybe some parental voice as well to add to the complexity and confusion – you’ve made the mistake of listening to him and letting him in, you’ve internalised his words for so long they now feel like your own.
Your ture self, your voice tells you otherwise, tells you I want an abuse free life, I want justice, protection, support, joy and laughter, the wrongs righted, peace, happiness, to love and be loved, a better life – yes?
You need grow some self esteem again. The things you can do with no help from anyone is daily self care, it’s hard to begin with when you feel whats the point, but if you make the promise to yourself to do it anyway, after you’ve been taking care of you for a few weeks it snowballs and you start to feel the value in doing this and then start to see this is important, and you eventually think I am worth it. Put some good food in, drink more water, smoothies, get fresh air, do some exercise, have a long soak in a bubble bath, give yourself whatever it is you need.
Meditation is a good one as well – it helps us take control of our thoughts, put those thoughts out of the mind that are unhelpful, to notice your thoughts and choose which ones to keep and which ones to discard, you have thousands of thoughts a day, just thoughts arent they, nothing more nothing less, meditation helps us to not give any power to these thoughts – helped me no end; you got a buddist centre nearby? Classes may be free or at a low cost. Come on you can do this, put one step forwards, try to do 3 acts of self care a day to start x
-
Hun I think what we’re trying to say is don’t give up. The way I see it (when I felt the same and it’s s**t) if I give up then what next? I will have nothing or things could get worse for me? Am I going to let this man win? No no way xx you more than deserve a good life you really do. Keep fighting yes some off the services are short staffed and underfunded but there are other women just like us that are in these jobs and help us with real passion. I hit loads off doors shutting on me too – eventually someone will listen but only if you keep going. We really have no choice but too. You will be listened to persistence pays off. Ye I felt a pain in the arse at the time but it was worth it to get justice. Once you get Justice you’ll get your peace off mind back. Do this at your own pace and as fizzy says self love 💕❤️🤗
-
Im sorry you had doors slammed to diymum.its such hard work to just keep going isn’t it.
I need people to keep telling me what im doing wrong and then maybe I might get some things right.
Perhaps like escapee says, its because I dont go out enough, or that I’m just over thinking it. Like if id just listened to him, things wouldn’t have gone so bad. Which is ok but then I can’t get my head around what the children did wrong othwr than being children to deserve his ravings, yellings and shakings. Even just the way he would hold a wrist so tight it hurt them. Why hold a child by a wrist? Its all about restraining isnt it?
So were the children just really bad children?
The police have completely destroyed my faith in them, and the court that followed hurt me so badly I was terrorised by him through it.
Noone gets any consequences for any of that.
Or have I just got it all b****y wrong!
-
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
