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I’ve wrote a written notice for him to leave but I don’t know wether to give it him because I’m worried about the reaction I’ve put (detail removed by Moderator) and why I’m ending relationship planning to leave it somewhere when he’s out should I do this or not?I think I’m getting to a love bombing stage but not sure as I don’t think he is like that sometimes I question my self is he a n********t or not most times I say he is but I’ve barley seen a love bomb stage when I get angry he used to turn it round and start kissing me and tell me to be quiet is this love bombing I don’t know he hardly hugs me or anything these days and I don’t think he’s that bothered about me
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I wouldn’t recommend giving him the notice or telling him anything. Are you in a position to change the locks and leave his belongings at a friend, he’s going nowhere. Kissing and hugging you when you’re trying to explain how he’s upset you is invalidating you’re feelings, ignoring them, deflecting his behaviour. Ending the relationship is the most dangerous time so you do not want to be living with him when you do it.
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Hi Mellow,
I agree with KIP you need to be very careful at this stage. You say that you’re worried about his reaction and scared of changing the locks, so I really encourage you to listen to your instinct before you act. You need a plan in place to keep you safe. Whilst I acknowledge you should not have to leave and it is more effort for you, you could consider getting yourself to a safe place, whether that is family, friends or a refuge, and then getting help to get the locks changed and consider an injunction. I know it’s a lot to consider, but you and your children’s safety is the priority. He already knows you want him to leave so he will already be trying to up the control, if you take it further he could react in a way that puts you in danger of harm.
Could you talk this through with a Women’s Aid worker via our Live Chat tomorrow? Or you replied in another post about your local service, perhaps try ringing them again to see what’s happening with your referral and explain that your situation is getting more serious?
Take a look at our Safety Planning section of the Survivors Handbook if you can, it talks through planning to leave and safety tips if you stay.
Take care,
Lisa
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Couple of aspects of your post struck out at me , your asking about the love bombing and that he hasn’t done anything in regards to this so you think his not bothered about you ? Do you want him to be bothered ? Do you want him to show this loving side to you when he is trying to win you round ? You have already told him to leave is my understanding and he is still there , reason his probably not showing this side is because he thinks you are not going to follow through with anything so he feels he doesn’t have to win you round as he never going to get to leave . I understand your reasons for not changing locks or informing police etc , but please make sure in yourself that this is what you want and follow through with it , it’s really , really hard to end these relationships we have enough of the behaviour, but we are still in love with the person the idea of this person that’s where it all gets complicated, our heads & hearts are telling us two different things . I don’t know if you’ve ended the relationship before and stayed or threatened at times and stayed cos he won you round , this is the game they play . You really gtta be strong now and determined to walk away and end it , don’t be giving him any notes or letters , it will put you in a worse position with him and in your environment, do all the necessary steps you need to do to get him out , and if it means changing locks while he is out then so be it , call the police if he gets aggressive. Plan your moves without giving him any updates .
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Hi again yea I’ve threatened many times but haven’t been strong enough to follow through but I feel like this time is different the atmosphere at home is also very different and he seemed to accept it only today he seemed to show a tiny bit of affection.but I’ve been going out doing what I want not telling him where I am for a few days or saying I’m with friends .I have been in a state of confusion because I feel like I have still been trying to please him at the same time doing chores and things but I genuinely feel like this time is different and I’m hoping his word is true that he will go by (detail removed by Moderator) .maybe I do want love bombing I do love him but I’m going with my head and not my heart by leaving because I know the relationship is wrong several hpeople have told me the relationship is wrong I’m upset but I know he dosent treat me right he has been saying things like he’s with me because he feels sorry for me and that really hurt
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Hi again yea I’ve threatened many times but haven’t been strong enough to follow through but I feel like this time is different the atmosphere at home is also very different and he seemed to accept it only today he seemed to show a tiny bit of affection.but I’ve been going out doing what I want not telling him where I am for a few days or saying I’m with friends .I have been in a state of confusion because I feel like I have still been trying to please him at the same time doing chores and things but I genuinely feel like this time is different and I’m hoping his word is true that he will go by June .maybe I do want love bombing I do love him but I’m going with my head and not my heart by leaving because I know the relationship is wrong several people have told me the relationship is wrong I’m upset but I know he dosent treat me right
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I gtta be honest Mellow he doesn’t believe you , you done what we have all done , plus your giving him time which to me is another mistake, his thinking well she can’t be that done cos I got till (detail removed by Moderator) that gives me more time to win her around , he knows exactly what your doing , his playing the game , he won’t say anything to you about where your going etc as he knows this will go against him , but his keeping it in his head , just cos he not saying anything doesn’t mean he won’t throw it at you at a later time . Your still programmed in a way to please him , wanting acceptance, love , better treatment from him , he may change for a while to suit himself, but not long only until he feels his back in control again. It’s very hard when you love someone so much and they treat you so bad , you wanna fix it , make it work , do anything to make them happy , while in the process you lose yourself as you are so wrapped up in them . My ex was my world , I just catered to his every whim , even when I tried really hard I was wrong about something, there was just no let up . In the end realised nothing going to change this is going to be my life and as much as I loved him , I couldn’t stand his behaviour towards me any longer and in a way he killed it for me , bit by bit chipped away , one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was end it for good , but as I hope as you are now think of your life , your happiness, your future, think with your head and not your heart, they don’t deserve our hearts , you deserve better and you will get it , don’t allow him to mistreat you any further. Keep reminding him it’s over and that he is going , let him know you mean it and are following through. It’s over ! Take care xx
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Remember the love bombing is fake love not the love you deserve or want , be prepared for every angle once he realises you mean it , stand your ground as much as it hurts and it will hurt you as you love him , be firm and think of your happiness, you only , not him . His not your concern or his wants , it’s about you now , be strong hun xx
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Hi,
My personal experience is that they never go no matter how hard you try to explain them how bad they treat you they just refuse and deny everything in the end.
Love bombing is activated so you can lower your defences and the cycle begins all over again. Sooner or later hurtful and disrespectful behaviour comes along and the feelings of loneliness and desperation return.
From your post I understand that you really wish things were different, that he will stick to his promise but please do not consider him reliable, they lie all the time and have a hidden agenda to impose their control on us at any cost.
Please stay safe and do not reveal your plans
Take care
Xxxx
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