Im actually worried about me?

[Tamra]

I now feel like I wasnt abused and the whole thing is fake.

I miss him so much and cry most of the time. this mornings dreams were awful – thinking of the plans we had and now he will do them with her. I feel totally discarded and have forgotten the control I lived under.

When I hear about the stuff some of the things you ladies are going though since you have left I feel jealous – how warped is that?

I forget most of last year when we still lived together that was when he played up the most but now I look at is as he cared – how warped is that?

Now Ive going which as I say all the time is only a few months Ive had nothing and I feel like im breaking, like I want him to come round and rescue me from this awful pain. I loved him so much and I feel like I gave him away like I didnt care – I know in my gut I couldnt have him and yet again another woman. He punished me big style this time for going to uni and supporting my son – how mad is that?

I dont want to blame and keep blaming I need to heal some how and dont know how to do that bit – I feel that will be the only way I will let go. Im not even sure If I have accepted what he did was wrong yet either, please please any help will be gratefully received. Im also thinking this might be PSTD but I dont want to go to the GP either. Im a believer in trying to get though these emotions so I can truly heal and not relive it later on but thats me and not for everyone.

Sorry to start the new in a negative mood but no one gets it in the outside world

xx

[White Rose]

Hi Tamra
What you’re feeling seems to be a common things lots of us post similar thoughts and probably more feel exactly like you. It’s ok to feel sad and it’s ok to feel confused.
You sat you’re not sure you’ve accepted what he did was wrong but you know it was. What’s hard to accept is that he had the audacity to do it to you. Maybe we all feel that abuse doesn’t happen to people like us it’s like cancer and accidents – happens to others. It takes time to accept it and I’m not sure I’m there yet either.
Don’t be hard on yourself.
When I doubt my self I get out my old phone and listen to the recording I made of him screaming abuse at me. I read his texts and emails and the list I made as evidence of events and I remember how I used to feel scared and on eggshells the whole time. Then I realise I’m better and safer away from him.
I think we all have a bit of PTSD who wouldn’t! it’s traumatic!
Don’t be afraid to ask for extra help from your GP. I hated asking for help from anyone initially and I regret it now as it made me worse.
Hang on in there. You’re doing great. You’re stronger than you think. x*x

[Tamra]

Hi White Rose,

Thank you for your reply. I cant seem to shift the feeling of missing him. I sometimes think he wasn’t all bad. He did kinda love me in his own way and may be it was me that messed it up, after all I did let him go and didnt fight for him anymore. He emotionally and mentally abused me but getting that into my head right now just isnt working as my emotions are over riding the longing of wanting him. Your right I think I dont want to accept that this happened to me by the man I truly loved from the bottom of my heart. I didnt have long relationships before him and I had also been though a physically abusive relationship when I was very young and I can tell you now I have gone though that one again over this one. For me a broken nose, bruises, slaps etc. I feel so much easier to deal with and I escaped that one and felt I could justify leaving. My ex helped me though so many of my past traumas and find it hard to believe it was his way in as I was vulnerable, even though I worked though so much with him I now feel even more lost than I did before. I spent most of my time trying to make him happy and that was tiring but I was my life. Not sure I will ever find someone to be an equal with. We and noone ever knows what goes on behind closed doors unless we tell and I did that slowly over the many years and now everyone hates him and is glad that I have got away but now they are angry if I cry or Im sad and I have said you would all feel different if he had died, you would let me cry and grieve but as hes still alive and swanning around happy as anything they all want me to do the same and I dont feel like that.

Sorry for going on
xx

[Starlight]

dear Tamra, big hug firstly. I wish i could offer you a magic cure, but there isnt one. White Rose is right, you are justified in your feelings of sadness andconfusion. These seem to be the steps of healing we are all going through. Its like grieving. I can understand how youfeel 100 %. Its like you were writing my own story. I also didn’t realise what i was putting myself through, until my Mum said to me, that i have being enduring abusive behaviour in all my intimate relationships in various form from young. Its what caring, selfless, giving people do alot of the time. They sacrifice themselves for the ones they love at their own cost! These guys are predators, just waiting for someone like you to come along, so they can infect us with their poisonous behaviour. When we eventually gather some strength to leave because we are almost broken, they swan off to go and inflict themselves on some itherpoor vunerable soul!
You are hurting, maybe angry at him and yourself ( i know i am angry at myself for being so naive and wasting so many years at everyone elses and my own expense)
The way forward for me is to do as was suggested yesterday. Find 5 positive things to focus on to achieve this year. I know that one of mine is to study a new course, it gives me something else to focus on. I also am going to do some volunteering as i think helping someone else with also give me purpose. Those are just some ideas to get you thinking. They are just my thoughts.
I also feel low and sadand hurt and a bundle of negative emotions as its only been a little while for me too, but i need positivity now. I like White Roses idea about keeping his texts or mails etc to reread to bring us back to reality when we feel like you do now and ache for him. I feel like that too, but i am rethinking whether i miss him or the idea of him. There is a person out there for you who will love you unconditionally the way you shoukd be loved and treated. Be strong in the knowledge that everyday you are one day closer to healing yourself and finding that new person. This is a new year, we have 365 opportunities presented to us, one for each day if the year. Opportunities to find our own happiness. Happiness is that which gives us pleasure and purpose. Its inside of each of us. We just have to believe in ourselves.
Thinking about you Tamra. Big hug and love xx

[Tamra]

Hi Starlight
Thank and im so glad im not alone even though that seems awful becasue why would I want anyone to share the same as me, the thing is its nice to know that you and others understand where Im coming from and others of course.
thank also for your tip on thinking of 5 positive things to do, I have already been to uni which killed us however there are other courses I want to do and even though I have an very tight throat right now though fear I actually can do what I want to do.

Thank you for the hug too it means a lot

xx

I wanted to also share what I said to Daisy on this post as I feel it is relevant to how Im feeling today,

Thank you and its fine to reply here. I have added stuff on the one I started so I wont go on again.
He did squash my emotions and didnt want to hear about how I felt unless it was about how I felt about him, of course only nice stuff though.
Yes this time of year is hard and now Im facing all the plans we made he will do with her and that hurts.
I think the saying is its take half the time of the relationship to heal so I have about a decade to heal god thats a long time hope it doesnt take that long but if it does then it does.
My future man would be a bit different to him but there are some bits I had in him that I loved. When he was nice he really was but then I think thats one of the tactics – like reliving the honeymoon period again over and over again. When I look back at all the ‘special’ days such as xmas, new year, birthdays etc. he would sabotage but blame me. I remember one of the ‘big’ birthdays I had I spent in bed and I messaged him to say that I felt down and hoped he would come over to me but NO all he said was ‘so am I’. the thing is we were both down because of him and the way he treated me, when days arent about him then he plays up. A few Christmas’s ago we had a fab time and I did all the meals etc. and also made sure I paid him alot of attention and a few days later he was in a mood and when I asked was up he said ‘you didnt pay me enough attention’ I was god-smacked and couldnt and still cant get my head around it. Its madness… The one Christmas he didnt play up was one were I went to his house on my own and my kids went to their dads so I could do this magical Christmas with him where he cooked and made a camp out in the lounge etc. sounds lovely but It was actually boring and he just wanted it to be sexual, then when his daughter arrived that was it his mood changed. I dont think he can cope with more than one person at a time as when I think about it now I always was pushed to the background which then made me withdraw and feel sad and then in turn that would rub of on him too, may god Its like going round in circles. It was like that at the beginning, he was so much more attentive and loving towards me I was his number one but that changed and I was so far down the list it was awful but he was always my number one may be till the end where I think I was slipping away.

And now hes happy showing off his new life and Im drowning in self pity.

Sorry for the downer and I went on a bit

xx

[White Rose]

What you said about not coping with more than one person at a time rang bells with me.
Abusers need to be the centre of their universe they are selfish and can’t share. They can’t bear it if people invade their time or detract from their sense of power and control.
Keep fighting.
I’m trying to sort my 5 things to achieve this year. Number one involves a serious crime punishable by life in prison 😉 so that’s a non starter!!! There will be others that are safer and legal I just can’t get beyond number one at the moment xxxx

[Starlight]

Wow Tamra, the more i read about your situation, my eyes just get wider as I cannot believe the similarities that both of our ex’s exhibit. Its so scary!!
They do only want one person at a time and alienate all my friends, famiky and even tried putting my own kids against me to get them moved to their Dad!
I also used to be expected to have sex all the time and the sulking if I didn’t!! Oh Wow it wasnt worth not doing what he wanted.
I hung on to the first month of our relationship when he was so attentive, caring, loving and seemed like the man of my dreams! It all went down hill after that snx i hung on and on.
I did have a chuckle White Rose at the 1 item on your list…. I think we can all relate to that one 😉 I have thoughts of extreme behaviour too. I have to stop myself which isnt easy at all. I just have to suck it up and live with it i suppose, or else i am no better.
Feeling lonely today again. Everyone is busy with their own lives and i dont like burdening the very few friends i have with all my problems. A big tgank you for you all for always listening and being there for me xx

[Tamra]

Its funny White Rose As my ex actually wanted me to commit a crime but only a small one to show that I loved him – a friend of ours split from his wife and she did some awful things – burn an outer building of theirs among other things and the one my ex homed in on was she scratched a part of his car with the word h..e and he said to me why arent you doing stuff like that? Yes im angry and hurt by what he has done but Im not going to be a vandal, mind you he would have probably used it against me. He did weird stuff to me and still cant work out why, he would go though my underwear, sit in my bed when I wasnt there or in my chair in my bedroom, burst into my room and have a mood, them come in a climb in my bed with me in it and say he just wanted a hug, tell me it would be shame if we ended, then flip and tell me I was a freeloader in so many words, then suicidal threats, tell me his girlfriends pet had died and that I would understand being the person I am etc. I couldn’t work out what he wanted but he was the one that went off,

hummmmmmm number 1 is very appealing hahahahahaha

Starlight,
Its amazing how they can be similar but I guess they work the same ways, may be they go to a school to learn how not to treat people. He wasnt like this with just me (even though I got it to it full extent) he was like it with his friends but not our female ones, well not to their faces anyway may be in case they were potential victims, with his friends he would be stroppy or come home to me and say they bullied him and said things like ‘you thrown your toys out the pram’ and I would give him sympathy but i would think well you do….

I wonder if they will ever be happy, to be honest him finding happiness would be my worst nightmare right now as I will feel all I did would never have been good enough and believe me I did loads from being a lover, girlfriend, housewife, mother and step-mother, laborer, gardener, servant, sex goddess, nurse and support worker (for him) oh my god you name it I was it and nothing was good enough, he said jump and i said how high.

When I told my friend I was missing him and felt emotional she said ‘do you think you think to much’ correct me if im wrong but emotions are feelings not thoughts, its all in my gut where I feel this not in my head.

Starlight the loneliness is just horrible thats when I think its a shame we cant just pop round to see each other or go for a walk or coffee but I am very thankful we have this forum

Thank you ladies for your support today

lots of love and hugs xx

[Maggie]

Hi im new to the site, i to am finding it really difficult, the loneliness is endless, i separated from my husband (details removed by moderator) ago my relationship i believe was based on lies and manipulation, i can relate to physical and emotional abuse, name calling, mind games. Constant attention seeking isolating me from family, my children, controlling my work, my phone, what i ate, what i wore, who i spoke to, why is it i cant stop crying i miss him so much but i know he will never change it as been the worse xmas i received awful texts off him xmas eve. So upsetting x

[Tamra]

Hi Maggie,

The manipulation is awful and it becomes our normal so of course we miss it even if it sounds warped. The control is so heavy that it gets under your skin.
3 weeks is such a short time to even think you wont cry, I have been out a few months and still cry most days – you have to grieve that relationship and the emotions will be running high right now.

I got some comfort from look at Melanie Tonia Evans on the net she explains so much about the person being n**********c and the abuse from these people, she also talks about recovery too. I joined to received her news letter which I got one email for the first 15 days and then she also has YouTube videos, there is a bit where you can pay money but I haven’t done that bit, as there is so much free stuff I haven’t bothered as yet.

However give yourself time to grieve and have a good cry because thats ok and very normal.

xx

[Maggie]

Thank you tamra i will google and read up x

[Serenity]

What you describe you are going through, Tamra, I went through too, and it is something other ladies have also say they have gone through.

As we spend time away from them, the reality of what we went through seems so surreal. When we were in the situation, we didn’t have the energy to analyse our relationship – we were just about surviving. Once away from our abusers, we have the space to reflect- and it almost seems unimaginable that we went through what we did.

At times, the horror of it all hits us- we remember the horrific incidents, and our bodies respond with feelings of panic and trauma.

At other times, it all seems misty: we wonder whether we imagined it, whether we made it out to be worse than it was, etc.

I am sure that this yo – yo effect is an integral part of the healing process. The time apart from our abuser is the time reality hits us. We can’t take too much pain and too much reality at once, so the moments of clarity and buried memories alternate with periods of us almost minimising the experience.

I am sure this is our brain’s way of rationing the flood of reality – in small doses. Coming to terms with the reality of things is a gradual process, like the gradual peeling away of an onion, layer by layer. Our brain very much acts as a shock absorber, not allowing too much realisation to hit us all at once.

Plus, I think this is to do with is not being abusers: that is, we are morally healthy human beings, and are able to deeply question ourselves, we have a properly working conscience and are ready ( maybe too ready ) to take responsibility, unlike our abusers.

Our abusers words may also be in our subconscious: that we are at fault, that we are exaggerating the abuse, that they aren’t at fault, or should be excused.

How I got past this self-doubt was to listen to my body, which was showing symptoms of PTSD. I told myself, the body doesn’t lie. The physical trauma was caused by something deeply horrible- true abuse. That abuse may not always have been obvious ( he could operate covertly too ), and he may have dressed it up as concern, etc. and feigned that he cared. But the nature of the relationship and the tactics he used were, yes, truly and deeply abusive, leading to my PTSD. And even if I hadn’t have had PTSD, my gut would have told me the truth. x

[Tamra]

Thank you Serenity,

Sometimes I just need to find clarity about what has happened and why.

My gut has never lied to me but its only over the last few years that I have begun to listen to it and understand what I was feeling was fear I now dont have the gut feeling of fear of him but now fear of being without him and I sure thats me having fear of being alone

xx

[Maggie]

Serenity, Tamra
I have read your mail over and over, i drove back home from my daughters last night, crying all the way, feeling how you explained, questioning myself, should i have taken more blame, did the things really happen or was it my mind. But over the last couple of days i had put pen to paper and from day one i wrote down everything he had said or done to me, a really difficult thing to do, so when i got home i read it, to remind myself the loneliness is better than the fear i lived on a daily basis.
Thank you Maggie x

[Tamra]

Maggie,
Thats a great way to get clarity of what went on. I find writing things down and looking over it sinks in bit by bit.
Yes the loneliness is horrible but the fear and anxiety is far worse but this only comes when you really home in on it and feel it. At first I wanted the anxiety because it was all I knew and the way I have lived most of my life from childhood. The adjusting is hard but will be worth it in the end.

xx

[Maggie]

Yes i think its just the adjusting from us to just me and its kinda living with the unknown at the minute, but the suppirt from the site is fab x

[Tamra]

Maggie,
It scary letting go and really heartfelt but there isnt really anything else we can do apart from living in an unrealistic world for us because of course its their horrible world we are living and our wounded parts of self go along with it. Yes I agree this site is fab and the support is amazing xx

[Author]

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