I’m at total braking point I don’t know what to do

[Starmoon]

I’m I can’t go on like this and I don’t know where to turn… he sees the kids every weekend but it rips me apart, it takes everything I’ve got not to completely crumble when they go. It’s only for a few hours but I’m so messed up by everything that it brakes my heart. I did so well not to contact him after he left me but this weekend I’ve crumbled and he honestly doesn’t care about me… am I just totally messed up in the head to think he should’ve cared. I can’t think what I did to deserve everything that’s happened… people tell me it’s abuse but even when it was physical I still believe I probably deserved it. I’m so selfish and jealous that he wants to see the children but he doesn’t love me… I don’t know how much more I can take… I can’t stand not being a family 😢. I don’t know who to talk to… if it’s my fault he doesn’t want me then I don’t deserve anything from anyone… I don’t know how to put these thoughts into order or how to cope with it. How do I accept I’m totally to blame for not having the family I’ve alwaus been so desperate for… I have no one to talk to about it… my mum refuses to listen and says I shouldn’t want a family with someone like him. But why shouldn’t I? I loved him. I’m not normal either way… he can’t be that bad because he wants to see the children. He changed arrangements for seeing them and I disagreed to them so he text me saying I’m stopping him seeing them to hurt him. I’m not doing it to hurt him… it’s because it brakes my heart that I’m not part of it but I know that makes me so so selfish and I must deserve this pain. I was horrible to him via text saying he didn’t deserve to be their dad and if it was up to me he’d never see them but because they love him I won’t stop the contact… but I don’t know how much more I can keep doing it. Im having it rubbed in my face every week that I’ve lost everything I ever wanted

[KIP.]

Families come in all different shapes and sizes. You have your children. Your parents. Absolutely any contact with these men is toxic and confusing. If you can understand that by continuing no contact and given time, the healing will come. It takes time. Perhaps ring the helpline for support. Start again with no contact. By contacting him you give him the power back to hurt you. Someone on here posted ‘your current situation is not your final destination’.

[Dragonfly]

Hey, this is no way your fault, you are not to blame, believe me. Your situation is obviously still very raw. I don’t really have any advice but just know we are all here for you. I do believe in minimal to no contact is the way forward. I know it’s so difficult but it does get better.

Keep posting

[Starmoon]

He’s so reasonable and able to totally switch off and separate any feeling he had for me and I know he would be able to talk amicably with me to arrange contact with the children but I’m nkt able to do that. I can’t talk to him and arrange it because it hurts so much tk not be with him… isn’t that me with the problem and not him

[Starmoon]

I had a week or so where I felt like I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel… at least feeling minimally more positive. But even before calling him I’d sudenly switched back to feeling like maybe I was too argumentative or blunt or snappy and it’s my fault he’s gone… maybe he really isn’t an abuser and I’m just impossible to be with.’ive had this internal battle for years now

[KIP.]

He can switch off his feelings because he has none. He lacks empathy. Of course you hurt. That’s the normal healthy response to the end of a relationship. We take time to grieve and heal. I forgot that my abuser also told me he had moved on and that I should move on too. I remember how very painful that felt. They even use the same hurtful terminology. Behind the words he was plotting his revenge. Don’t listen to a word they say. I don’t know why I ever was so influenced by him. I believed every lie that came out his mouth. Now I can see him for the abuser he was.

[Tiffany]

My abuser was reasonable and rational for weeks after we broke up. I had to be in contact to sort out various legal things. I felt like I was mad until he refused to sign the form which took my name off out joint account which he was still using and I wasn’t. When he lost that argument he tried to guilt trip me into giving him all my savings because I made him so sad he was giving up his job. After that it was much easier to walk away… I cut all contact about a month later when our final legal tie was broken. I think that it was only then that the full reality of the emotional and physical abuse started to hit me. I know that you can’t cut all contact because of the kids, but a lot of people do their kids contact through a trusted third party – either a relative, or a solicitor usually – so that that contact doesn’t trigger or gaslight them. If you are not doing this yet I would definitely look into it. Then you could delete his number from your phone and reduce the temptation to call it. I would also delete him from any social media accounts you might have.

Finally I would find someone to talk to. This site is great, but sometimes you need the immediacy of someone’s voice. It sounds like your mother is not that. Mine isn’t either. She doesn’t believe my ex was abusive, won’t let me say I was abused, and tells me he was troubled and that I knew all through the relationship what was going on. This is supremely unhelpful. So I talk to girlfriends, other relatives, and when they are not available, the Samaritans. Before I moved I also went to the local women’s aid drop in . If there is one near you I would highly recommend it, if not, keep ringing the helpline. I promise you didn’t deserve anything that happened to you.

[KIP.]

Hey Tiffany my ex did the same with the joint account. They are all reasonable whilst they are getting their own way! Unbelievable x

[Starmoon]

Thank you ladies… it’s totally my fault for contacting him. Im crazy for doing it… and I’m sure that’s how it looks for him too. I know I’ll never get the closure I need… he never loved me, if he did we wouldn’t be in this situation. My mum has been brilliant over in the whole but I think she’s totally sick of it… both my parents say it’s ground hog day… there isn’t a women’s aid drop in center, I wish there was. The only thing available is the freedom program (at least there is something) but I don’t feel ready for that until I’m more sure it was abuse- as the book is very black and white and when I read it a few years ago, i doubted myself more. I don’t want to go along and feel even worse than I do now. I know that probably sounds very silly. I do have friends but they don’t really understand… I have been tempted to call women’s aid help line but they aren’t really there to council us are they? I thought they were just there to let you know of what help is available- and I already know it’s the freedom program. I’m currently looking for a private counselor.. I did see one a couple of times but she focused more on my anxiety and it kinda made me feel that was to blame for the abuse… gah I sound like a total nightmare putting all these obstacles

[Lisa]

Hi Starmoon,

Please do call the 24hr National Domestic Violence Helpline when you are able to. The Helpline Workers can be a listening service as well as discuss your circumstances and signpost you to other services. If you would like to talk then the Helpline is there for you. They are available on 0808 2000 247, they are a busy service but you can request a call back via the voicemail if you are unable to get through.

Take care,

Lisa

[Author]

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