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I’m here again as I’ve no one I can talk too. I have friends and family but they don’t know what’s going on.
The past few weeks have been good and i thought he was changing but here I am again and he’s decided to turn aggressive. He started with the usual accusing me of cheating and going over old things. I felt so confident tonight and stuck up for myself, I didn’t shout or anything like that but I did tell him he was wrong. He then slapped me (detail removed by moderator) times, tried to strangle me and punched my (detail removed by moderator) as I (detail removed by moderator).
Maybe sticking up for myself was the wrong thing to do and I shouldn’t say anything.
I know now that his questioning is now going on for days, as this is what he does.
He is causing me anxiety and I can feel it affecting my body.
Why has he done this. He admitted he had anger issues and was going to get help but now I feel we’ve gone back 10 steps because I said the wrong thing. -
Hi Pineapple pie – welcome back. I’m sorry to read things have taken a turn for the worst but this is the cycle of abuse. In my experience it always gets worse and he has recognised your growing strength and escalated the abuse. This would place you at high risk. Please reach out to your friends and family and womens aid you need. Safety plan and to find a way to exit this relationship safely. I know you are torn and still love him but what he is doing to you is not love it is dangerous abuse and we don’t know what he is capable of. Please keep your phone charged and with you and call police on 999 if you need. Before I left my ex escalated to a terrifying level and I would never believe what he was capable of me and my children fled for our lives and we are rebuilding lives and safety. I felt worried by your post i ended up keeping my growing strength inside it wasn’t safe to show him that whilst services helped me plan our escape. There is a full life waiting for you take care x
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Hi Pineapplepie, your partner doesn’t have anger issues, he is an angry abusive man who chooses to abuse you. Does he get angry around other people and slap, punch them? I bet he doesn’t as these men tend to save their anger for us as they know what they are doing. Him admitting he has anger issues is a cop out and a lie, it means nothing other than the threat of him ‘losing control of his temper’ which is simply not true, he doesn’t lose control. Him strangling you is worrying, it really is, as mentioned above, he will sense you are seeing him for what he is and will up the abuse, it’s the most dangerous time for a woman.
Can you get any support? Any family member, GP, the National Domestic Abuse helpline? Victim support?
If you don’t feel able to reach out to anyone then maybe keep a diary/journal of each episode of abuse? I found my journal really helpful (I wrote in my phone).
Your local Womans aid can help you with a safety plan, have you contacted them before?
The few weeks which have been calm/nice for you is all part of the abuse… we wouldn’t stay with these men if they were constantly abusing us and we keep hoping that they will realise what they have been doing is wrong (not just wrong, it is illegal) and change their ways. Him saying that he was going to get help was a lie, these men future fake and tell us anything so as they can stay. The wanting him to change is part of what keeps you hanging in with him. You cannot be reasonable or rational with an abusive partner as they do know what they are doing. The cycle of abuse is worth googling, FOG (fear Obligation Guilt cycle is worth a Google).
Keep posting ❤️
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I agree with Heretohelp- is he going around hitting people in the street, shouting at them and being abusive…or is it just at you? If it’s just you then he hasn’t got anger issues (that’s his false reason to excuse the bad behaviour) and if he’s able to control not hitting strangers then he’s actively choosing to hit you.
But, ok, I know that can be a hard concept to accept so look at it another way – he’s said he’d get help for his anger…what’s he done? Words are empty promises, unless he’s booked in with a Gp or a counsellor then lovely I’m sorry but it’s just another excuse to keep you forgiving him.
Have you read about the cycle of abuse? The good times slowly descending into the early warning signs, leading to an explosion like you describe, followed by apologies/forgiveness and the good times again – it hooks us in, keeps us trapped.
You absolutely don’t deserve what you’ve experienced, he’s fully in the wrong. Please reach out to woman’s aid and stay safe x
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Thank you all for replying.
He almost falls out with everyone he meets, eventually, but no he doesn’t ever hit them. He shouts at his mum the same way he does me but would never hit her, I tried to speak with her about him but she doesn’t want to be involved.
I don’t tell anyone about this as I’m really embarrassed, a few of my friends and family know a few things but not the full extent.
A friend of mine said that she couldn’t believe a strong person like me wouldn’t put up with anything like this. How wrong is she, And my mouth wouldn’t let me tell her that she is wrong, and I am allowing this to happen and I don’t feel strong or confident after this last incident. I feel so worn out. -
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Honey you don’t deserve this , he has the issues not you , you cannot be subjected to this kind of fear it doesn’t make you weak because you want to believe someone you love you have the right to defend yourself, cannot be scared to answer back , that’s why he thinks clearly slapping you will put you in control and not defy him again. This isn’t love for you and not what you need , it will get worse , if he knows he has anger issues, why is he not seeking some therapy, your not his stress relief ! He will continue to ware you down and lose your confidence if you stay in this relationship, try to speak to someone who can help you break away from him , the national helpline for DA is open 24/7 if you have no friends who will help you . You are strong and don’t be intimidated by him , do the right thing by setting yourself free and being happy x
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Pineapplepie you’ve done “nothing” wrong. For years (decades) I didn’t stand up for myself due to aggressive child abuse and that led me to not standing up for myself in the abusive ones I ended up in. Standing up for yourself is a right you have, your standing up for yourself with him contradicts his beliefs and bullying and he feels (as every abuser does) he has a right to put you back in your place when you try to, we don’t want you injured, scared or even dead, please seek help to leave as soon as 🧡💞🧡
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