I’m beginning to think that I am the problem and it’s me that’s the abuser

[Strawberrydrops]

Hi All

I’m sorry for the long ramble, if you get to the end, I really appreciate you sticking with it.

Things are fine and he’s all lovely but then he changes and I’ve done the wrong thing, said the wrong thing or just didn’t feel like doing what we planned and I’m back to walking on eggshells until he tells me what it is that I’ve done. It feels like he completely rips me apart when he’s telling me what I do, constantly questioning me, picking apart everything I say. If I don’t want to do something we’ve planned like watch a film because I’m too tired or it’s late at night and I have work, or if I fall asleep, he starts telling me I’ve hurt him, he was looking forward to it, demands to know when I’m going to put right what I’ve done.

I’m at a point now where I’ve done something wrong every few weeks , when it happens and he goes off at me telling me how I’ve made him feel I just completely just shut down and can’t deal with it because if I say something he doesn’t like or agree with, or I say the wrong thing, then I’m torn apart and because it’s been happening for so long, I just shut down to protect myself.

If I tell him I’m feeling overwhelmed with everything he is saying or if I ask him to let me sleep (because alot of the time it starts when I’m going to sleep) it makes it worse because he stands there berating me, then goes downstairs and starts sending me so many messages, if I don’t reply he comes back upstairs or he’ll come back upstairs tell me he’s calmed down and asks me to watch a film even though I’ve said I’m tired, if I don’t do that then it starts all over again.

He says that I punish him when I shut down and I do it to hurt him, he says I make him feel beneath me – I honestly don’t believe I do, I always put him above myself and if I ever made anyone feel like that I’d be so upset because I’d never want anyone to feel like that. He tells me it’s my fault it goes on for days because I never just listen. I know if I shut down it’ll make it worse but I mentally can’t take anymore stress and I just have to remove myself from the situation because it’s so hard just having someone tear you apart when you don’t deserve it.

I’m beginning to think that it is all my fault and that I’m being abusive 😞

[Lisa]

Hi Strawberrydrops,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing what you’re going through. It isn’t your fault and you’re not being abusive. There’s a pattern of him finding things to berate and belittle you. It’s a choice that he’s making about how he treats you, to give himself power and control. I hope that sharing support here with other women who understand is helpful for you.

If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.

If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.

Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It’s so good that you’ve joined the forum. Some of the things you said made me feel physically ill as they took me back. My husband did the same kind of things and it brought up such a reaction in me, I think I’d forgotten or blocked some of it out. Yes, it’s a ‘clever’ way to abuse someone isn’t it, just continually attack them about their faults and how they’re not caring enough or attentive enough or anything else enough. How everything you do or say is wrong. It makes it look as if you’re the abuser, or at least a somehow ‘lacking’ human being who just doesn’t understand how to have a relationship ( This is how I ended up feeling) and who continually messes it up and needs him to tell you how to behave in a proper and normal way. It’s so relentless. That’s what kills you, it never ever ever stops.

[Author]

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