I’m confused

[Secret6]

I felt sure that I’m in an abusive relationship, but people here seem in a far worse situation than me. But then I think it has been going on for so long that all my coping mechanisms just “keep the peace” and I have changed my behaviour so much that I don’t even recognise it anymore.
I am so isolated and lonely but he thinks we are happy. He says our relationship is normal but it just isn’t. I feel like maybe I have enabled it by allowing it for all these years.
I’ve posted elsewhere on here and only received kindness and supportive words so I’m sure I am right but then I have doubt.
I have days when everything is OK but then I know it’s only OK because I’m doing what he wants. It’s like I’ve totally lost myself along the way for the sake of an easy life. I’ve become such an expert at walking on eggshells because every time he is annoyed at me he says it is my fault and if I question his opinion he says I’m picking a fight with him, so I just agree to keep him happy and then if I agree too much he says I don’t have intelligent conversations with him. It’s so exhausting.

[minimeerkat]

the very worst thing you can do is compare your own situation to anyone elses
abusive relationships are individual, although many abusers do share some of the same characteristics & behaviours
some women have been on this forum doubting that they are in an abusive relationship because they havent been physically attacked, when the truth is that mental, emotional & psychological abuse can be just as damaging
you are probably right, you have lived this way for so long that it has become ‘normal’. but even if it has, the effects of being abused will then possibly come out in other ways. as many women will start suffering with mental health problems like depression & anxiety, as well as many physical symptoms due to the stress chemicals being overproduced in your body for long periods of time
you may have already read on the forum how abusive partners can actually be ‘nice’ at times, but as you have admitted it is only because you are saying or doing what they want
all you have done is try to cope with your situation as best you could. it is bound to be exhausting x

[browneyedmum]

“I have days when everything is OK but then I know it’s only OK because I’m doing what he wants.”

Mm-hm. ^^^ This so much.

I’ve not been physically abused, but I recall one time when my ex raised his hand to slap me across the face while I was breastfeeding our (detail removed by Moderator) child. That memory got seared into my mind, where he still to this day would gaslight me about that never happening.

Sometimes I wish I had been physically abused because that’s a bit easier to prove and to get protection for. Nope, I get to have to prove neglect, psychological abuse, emotional abuse, coercive control, and financial abuse.

These are each horrific to go through just on a stand alone.

And its really not like we’re wanting to keep up with the Joneses here.

We each have our own paths to navigate. It may seem like some have been through all seven hells and back, but it doesn’t remove any experience of terror and uncertainty.

[Secret6]

Yes, I relate to this. I actually hope I don’t have to “prove” it. I just want the ability to get away. That’s my goal.

[Butterfly-A]

This message spoke to me so much.

I too often feel like the situation is improving but then he will make a sly comment (‘you’re not planning to see any friends are you?’, ‘why do you always have to be so dramatic’, ‘I want to spend the time with you alone not with friends or family’

^these might sound like normal statements in a ‘normal’ situation (maybe) but its my responses that show this is abusive, I know what he wants to hear so I say it.
And once or twice maybe wanting to spend lots of time together or having alone time, normal, but resulting now in my heart racing when I tell him I plan to seee a friend and have to give as much notice as possible – that’s what’s abusive.

its so easy to compare ourselves to other people. I remember talking to my friend about it once and saying to her I wish he would just hit me. its easy then right? but I think the grass is always greener, words hurt too.
I saw a poem once that spoke about this. ill try to find it and DM it to you (hope that’s okay)

But having to act in a certain way to keep the peace and feeling like you are walking on egg shells is signs of an abusive relationship.

Sorry for long message.

But if you feel unhappy or at all unsafe, it is abuse and it doesn’t need to match other peoples stories to be this.

[browneyedmum]

“But having to act in a certain way to keep the peace and feeling like you are walking on egg shells is signs of an abusive relationship.”

^^^ This so much!

[Secret6]

I’d love you to DM me the poem if you can. Thank you.
I sometimes feel I want him to be violent because I think he might actually understand if I left, if he did that. Might be kidding myself….
I don’t have any friends left. Haven’t for a while, literally nobody. I don’t even get to go out by myself.
When we first got together I didn’t really understand why he insisted on driving me to work and picking me up, even though it was the opposite direction to his work. I was so stupid. But I get it now

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